I hate my family, can't afford to leave

[Mousey22]

There is a lot in this story that I will have to omit to save time and characters.

Basically, I have never got along with my father and I feel like he has always been a thorn in my side. Whenever I wanted to do anything in my life, whether it was dating a particular person, play an instrument, be friends with someone or travel, he has always yelled at me and treated me like crap and tried to convince me that I was in the wrong and he took it as a sleight against him. My fathers idea of parenting was to buy me a gaming console and just leave me alone, he never bothered to teach me anything growing up. Every time I questioned him he always told me to ''shh'' and acted like whenever I asked him something I was bothering him. When I wanted to travel, he tried to convince me that someone would plant drugs in my bag and that the plane would crash, which I believe was to deter me from travelling because he hates flying and has never been out of the country. Also, I wanted to play music in school and his immediate response was ''you won't learn to play''. I ended up being very good at guitar, played in many music shows and met some good people through music, he always believed it was a waste of time and I was just making noise to annoy him.

As we lived out of town growing up, he would take my brother and sister in his car and when I asked to go, I remember one day that he yelled at me ''you're not coming'' and he left me home. I had to pay forty dollars (I made thirty dollars a week at KFC), to take a taxi into town and back just to see my friends to play a card game at a local game store.

Fast forward to now (I'm in my twenties), and I am an absolute loser. I was never taught the value of education and I have only worked minimum wage jobs to get by. I was saving for a house and nearly got a good deposit from my last job of two years (factory worker), but I was bullied out of my job by two managers who were good friends with a lady and her husband who work at the factory. This lady in question got me that job as a favor to my father who was friends with her and her husband. But my father had a falling out with their friend and when it was clear that he had enough of that person, the couple turned on me and so did my managers. One of the managers got me on my own one day and said to me ''if you stay here you will be the most hated person here''. She forged my signature on legal documents, tried to frame me for mistakes, and I never did a thing to her.

TBC

[Mousey22]

Apparently I have hit a word limit, can someone else reply to this thread please?

[startingnew]

hello Mousey and welcome! im sorry no one has replied yet.

I am not really sure what to say that would be helplful, but i can understand how youd be feeling. my family are rather difficult to deal with too. you have so muhc to deal with, do you have any one at all that you can talk to? other family members, friends, or professional supports. i would reccomend having a look into some supports for yourself if you havent already.

can i ask if you live with your parents? would moving out into your own house even in a different area be any help to you? kinda like starting fresh?

im sorry im not much help but hopefully others will be able to share some of their experiences too

[Mousey22]

Hi startingnew, thanks a lot for your reply. I previously had plans to move out but because I was bullied out of my full time job, I have only been able to find part time work just now and my saving progress has stalled. I can't really move out now because I wouldn't be able to sustain the rent with my in come as I currently only just clear $200 a week. I just need to vent and voice my concerns as I feel like I am going crazy at times. I don't receive any support from my family and they never support my decisions, whether it is going back to school, going on a short holiday or anything else. I was never taught the value of education and I feel ashamed for it now so I will try to make up for lost time by going back to school next year, I'm just hanging out for 2019 because I just want to start bettering myself already.

Heree is the rest of my post that I couldn't fit in above:

So I was saving a lot of money to move out by myself, but that ended when I was bullied out of my job. I have been unemployed for most of this year and recently got a part time job but I only get ten hours a week, I am lucky if I pull an extra shift and clear $300. I was never taught the value of education and I wanted to go back to TAFE three years ago and stupidly, I let my old man talk me out of it every time. He always told me ''school is a waste of money, you won't get a job'', more of the same old crap. He has never shown me any kind of support, never bothered to teach me things unless I kept asking and asking, he is basically a man child. His idea of humor is toilet humor, and I just can't really relate to him on any level. My mother supports him, because if she doesn't then he takes it as a sleight against him and comes home and starts swearing and yelling, even about the dinner she makes when he doesn't even cook for himself, he really is a pig. And also, he doesn't even know how to use a washing machine, or manage his own email. So as you can guess, I am dealing with a real smart cookie here. I'm just absolutely sick of him and his toxic attitude. He hasn't spoken to me for a fortnight now because I told him the other week I am saving up to take my girlfriend on a trip for the end of the year, and he basically just yelled at me to pay bills and crap. He said if I have money to take her on a trip then I can start paying rent, even though he takes home over a grand a week and if I can't get any extra work, I JUST clear $200.

[LavenderTea]

Hey Mousey22,

It sounds to me that you're really stuck, and that must be incredibly frustrating. I'm thinking that a lot of ths has to do with your financial situation, so here's just a bit of info on how you might be able to change that.

Depending on how old you are, you may be eligible for a Centrelink payment. If you're thinking of going back to study something, this is typically a plus, because it means you might be eligible for Youth Allowance, and typically you can also receive extra payments if you're moving out of home. There may be other circumstances (i.e. if you're from a rural area) that may allow you to claim Centrelink payments.

Some key info if you're considering study:

• Youth Allowance: 24 or younger and a student or Australian apprentice you may be eligible, if you are under 22 you are considered a dependent so you may need information about your parents' income, if you're 22 or over you're considered as independent and don't need that info.
• Austudy: at least 25 years old and studying or an Australian apprentice

These are benefits you can claim generally if you are going to beginning study or are studying/an apprentice, however there are a lot of other payments you can claim. I'd suggest going into a Centrelink building and sussing the details out with the staff so that you can get the best info, however, you can also check out their website to get some idea of where to start.

This is a link to the different payments you may be eligible for: https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink (copy and paste the link into the address bar).

[Mousey22]

Hi Lavender,

Thanks a lot for your reply. I will look into the system and see if they might be able to help me with something for the new school term next year. Maybe even moving into student accommodation could be an option just to get out of this environment.

Thanks for listening as well as it just helps to vent to someone sometimes.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mousey22,

LavenderTea has provided you with information I was going to suggest. I would also like to know if you would feel comfortable using the phone support service here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 to discuss with someone how you are feeling.

It certainly can help to write down how you are feeling or to chat to someone as well.

Do you have Uncles or male cousins you could spend time with?

Over the years I have spent time with a few older women who have been like mother figures to me. I valued their friendship.

It is possible to reach out away from immediate family members to gain the help, support and care that some parents are not able to provide.

I have also found it necessary to let go of past hurts and disappointments to enable myself to move forward.

Hope you are able to connect with someone at Centrelink who can assist you. Rent assistance may be available to you as well if you leave home.

All the best, cheers from Dools

[LavenderTea]

Hey Mousey22,

That's a great plan. There are often resident advisers at universities that might be able to give you a hand with student accommodation too if that's any help.

It definitely does help to vent, so feel free to post whenever you need to.

LT.

[Mousey22]

I have another question guys.

I feel that my father has always bullied me, as he always treated me different to my siblings and I feel that whatever I wanted to do in life, he always thought I was wrong and doing the 'wrong' thing, according to him. This includes going back to school, going overseas, dating a particular person, playing at a different footy club, whatever.

Well I'm sick of him after his last outburst a fortnight ago when he abused the daylights out of me because I said I want to take my girlfriend away, and have barely spoken to him since. I told him last night that I had some plans booked for January when he was watching TV, and he flat out said ''I don't care, do what you want''. I said ''you are going to have a very sad future if you keep that attitude'', to which he didn't even reply.

So my question is, how do you deal with a toxic father and what is the best remedy for this situation? the best way I have found is to just give up on a relationship with him, and keep the contact to a minimum until I move out and get my own place. Would anyone have some advice to share? because he has really offended me over these years. He has never shown any real support for who I am or what I want to do, and he just talks to me like a scumbag and has no sense that he is being rude nearly every time he opens his mouth, and is only nice when he wants something. How can I overcome this?

[HamSolo01]

Hey Mousey22

Two things stick out to me in what you've said. The first is your insight. You clearly know what you want to do, how you have to go about doing it and what sort of obstacles get in the way. You've got an understanding of the dynamic that exists within your house as well - that's good.

Hopefully you can navigate your way through that scenario. Think of yourself as a ship, navigating your way through icey water dodging icebergs. Navigate carefully.

How old are you? That makes a difference in this sort of thing. As we get older our parents can find it hard to tolerate us, understand us. Perhaps you show signs of maturity that were unexpected?

You have said that you don't like your father's attitude and his general approach or behaviour. I'm glad to hear this. You shouldn't have to accept that from a father.

In a somewhat similar tone, my father has displayed these sorts of characteristics of late. I'm slowly being led to believe he may be cheating on my mother and that was a shocking thing for me to tolerate but at the same time I'm learning how to cope with it. It doesn't really compare to what you've described, but I do see the point of what you are saying - you expected better from him.

It's great to hear that you are trying to move out. I love that.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that the best way you've got going forward is to limit the contact you have with him. I think this is a natural thing to do. It's going to be good for you to build up necessary barriers. 100% honesty with him is probably also going to help - just outrightly say that you detest the way he behaves and the way in which he conducts himself. You are a growing man ( i assume, I don't actually know). Either way, you are getting older and growing up so that's how it is whether he likes it or not.

You have your life and you want to take your gf on a trip? Do it. You have every right to. He wants you to pay bills? Maybe negotiate that with you, but yes 200 a week is very minimal. It's more than me haha. But that simply isn't enough to take bills into consideration.

It honestly sounds like a tough scenario. But I think you have your wits about you and know what you have to do to figure things out. Keep on keeping on. The forums are here and a number of people have suggested some government help as well.

Take care Mousey22