I hate my family, can't afford to leave

[Mousey22]

There is a lot in this story that I will have to omit to save time and characters.

Basically, I have never got along with my father and I feel like he has always been a thorn in my side. Whenever I wanted to do anything in my life, whether it was dating a particular person, play an instrument, be friends with someone or travel, he has always yelled at me and treated me like crap and tried to convince me that I was in the wrong and he took it as a sleight against him. My fathers idea of parenting was to buy me a gaming console and just leave me alone, he never bothered to teach me anything growing up. Every time I questioned him he always told me to ''shh'' and acted like whenever I asked him something I was bothering him. When I wanted to travel, he tried to convince me that someone would plant drugs in my bag and that the plane would crash, which I believe was to deter me from travelling because he hates flying and has never been out of the country. Also, I wanted to play music in school and his immediate response was ''you won't learn to play''. I ended up being very good at guitar, played in many music shows and met some good people through music, he always believed it was a waste of time and I was just making noise to annoy him.

As we lived out of town growing up, he would take my brother and sister in his car and when I asked to go, I remember one day that he yelled at me ''you're not coming'' and he left me home. I had to pay forty dollars (I made thirty dollars a week at KFC), to take a taxi into town and back just to see my friends to play a card game at a local game store.

Fast forward to now (I'm in my twenties), and I am an absolute loser. I was never taught the value of education and I have only worked minimum wage jobs to get by. I was saving for a house and nearly got a good deposit from my last job of two years (factory worker), but I was bullied out of my job by two managers who were good friends with a lady and her husband who work at the factory. This lady in question got me that job as a favor to my father who was friends with her and her husband. But my father had a falling out with their friend and when it was clear that he had enough of that person, the couple turned on me and so did my managers. One of the managers got me on my own one day and said to me ''if you stay here you will be the most hated person here''. She forged my signature on legal documents, tried to frame me for mistakes, and I never did a thing to her.

TBC

[LavenderTea]

Hey Mousey22,

I think HamSolo01 had made a few really good points there so I'm just going to add this...

As HamSolo01 suggested, you do seem to have a good level of insight, so I'd suggest that the best way to consider where to go with your father, is to work out whether or not you actually do want a functional relationship with him. If no, then what you've already suggested might be the best way forward. If you do want to have some sort of functional relationship with him, then I find the best way to begin that is with some open, honest communication, however this can be especially hard if the other person is less willing to listen or have a proper conversation with you.

Approaching these types of conversations can be a little bit tricky, but it's good to work out what you want to say, even writing it down might be helpful so you don't forget it. Generally approaching these situations in a non-confrontational way is better, since it means the other individual is less likely to become defensive.

Hopefully that gives you something to work on.

LT.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mousey,

Just a few thoughts concerning your relationship with your father, I can relate to that but with my Mum. My Mum has told me in the past that just because she is my mother it does not mean she has to love me or even like me.

Her comments used to hurt like crazy. Now I see some truth in them. Just because she is my mother does not mean that she will automatically love me! We don't all love everyone and the same thing happens in families.

We can expect it to be different, to think that a parent automatically loves their child, that is not always the case.

I have accepted this. I have reached out to other people who have been Mother figures to me and I have valued those relationships.

I have still respected my Mum, she is my parent, she is human, she has her own issues and ways of looking at life.

I had to consider if disliking and hating my Mum was in my best interests. Would that negativity help me in life or hinder me?

Our relationship is not as I would desire it to be, but at least we have one! I make the most out of what does exist. Maybe in time you can do the same with your father.

Cheers to you from Dools

[LostPigeon407]

My father is the exact same or so similar. He talks against going to University that you won't get a job. My mother get's upset about when she's told the truth about my father by me. He gets stroppy about dinner too and he can only make himself cereal and toast, otherwise his not gay enough to cook from his Boomer philosophy. He also was never socially encouraging, praiseful or even involved socially in anyway. Crap humour and the rest of it. He said since my early twenties that I missed the boat and will be homeless and crying after his eventually gone with.

                                                                                                                                                                                          He takes my believed misdiagnosis to a social measure of abuse to say that I'm disabled. He provokes me with hurtful remarks and than yells he will get me admitted to a mental hospital when I dish things back. He argues that you don't need a licence and driving to get a job and to meet the requirements of what employers want. He doesn't acknowledge the flexible value with it either or for general living/independence. He only acknowledges his own issues and concerns. He takes my directionless crisis to say that I don't want to work. He blackmails my government DSP as it being a allowance even if it's not money given by a immediate family. His got misogny & sexist beliefs and he virtually values my mother as a maid that talks too much. Their not compatible, His overly Australian and my Mother is mixed Chilean/German, their totally different personality, it's a drink piss relationship. He remarks to not burn the house down for cooking two minute maggie noodles on the gas stove too.