I Feel So Trapped

[beautyisneverperfect]

Hi everyone. I'm new so I'm not quite sure how this all works, but please bear with me.

I have really bad social anxiety. My mind is in 100% overdrive 100% of the time, and it's gotten to the point where I put a 'I couldn't care less' mask on in front of everybody, because it's better to be distant than to be judged for who I truly am. Everyone at school (I'm almost 16) thinks I have no sense of humour, and I'm possibly the most boring person ever, because I never laugh and I never joke. But they don't realise that it's not because I'm no fun, it's because I'm not letting myself relax and have fun around them.

It's so tiring, but lately I feel as if it's getting better. I only became anxious after some verbal bullying I went through a few years ago, but he ended up getting expelled for drug use.

So as I've said, I was getting better, and writing was always my outlet. When I became sad or overwhelmed, I'd sit at my laptop and write. Poetry, short stories, anything - and nobody knew, nobody was allowed to read them, but that was never the point - they were there for my eyes only, and they felt personal. But one day I made the mistake of telling my parents I write - and they mean well, they really do, but they don't understand mental health. My mum thinks it's just an excuse for lazy people. So they never knew I had issues, and I never felt the need to tell them - I had others I could go to. And one day I let it slip that I write for fun. They were so excited for me, and demanded me show them, and didn't let up, so I did. I showed them a piece.

And they said it was good. Brilliant. Demanded I handed it up in a writing competition. So I did. And I won. So they were proud, right? Excited. They pestered me to write more, every holidays, and to show them and hand it into competitions. When I said I didn't want to, they got mad. "Why not? You're talented! Don't be lazy." When I tell them it's because it's something I do for myself, they can't grasp that concept. So they nag, and they set writing deadlines, as if it's an assignment they've handed me. As if they can do that. I went along with it a few times, but it felt like I was giving away a part of me.

So I started saying no, but they continue nagging no matter what I tell them about needing this for myself, that they're not allowed to read more, that it makes me happy. And it's driving me crazy, because it feels like I'm losing the one real thing that was mine.

What should I do?

[Quiettall]

Hello

As an older person who has had children, I am not a perfect parent, but from what you have explained, I suspect your parents really do care bout you, and want to show pride in you and encourage you by showing interest in your writings. I know it sounds like they are being intrusive.

Maybe you could set aside a file on your computer with a small selection of your writings that you can show them but keep everything else private and personal. I have done this for many many years and it keeps me safe but also lets others in when needed without completely "blowing my cover".

All the best and feel free to post anytime as there are others apart from myself that would love to continue to support and encourage you. Social anxiety at any age is bad news, but at your age it is hard to deal with along with everything else you need to cope with.

Take care and believe in yourself...you are wonderful

[pipsy]

Hi beautyisneverperfect. You sound so isolated with just poetry as an outlet. Your parents lack of understanding mental health/depression is because you are speaking a language that is foreign to them. Depression is extremely hard to understand because we're all different. Some people who have depression seem to 'disappear' inside themselves, others become aggressive to cover how they really feel. You do seem to have found a niche with your writing, for your own enjoyment, I would suggest you don't stop writing, only share when you feel you can. Do you have a school counsellor you could approach to discuss your anxieties about your life. It is hard to relax and be yourself when you're not really sure exactly who you are and where you fit in. Do you have any plans for when you leave school? From my calculations you have another year of school then you leave or whatever you intend doing. Perhaps now would be a good time to start making some definite plans for your future, if you can talk to a counsellor, discuss your plans with her/him. Headspace is another thought for some guidance. BB's helpline is also available for guidance and support.

Lynda