I feel like the way I live my life brings me down yet no matter how much I try it only gets worse

[JamesC19]

Hi,

My name is James. I am 22 and for 7 years now I have struggled with addiction. My addiction stems from Alcohol use and is the only thing that have made me feel remotely happy. I've been in debt of more than 20K since I was 19. Each day I wake up and I'm flooded by emails and calls from debt collectors and the likes who hold no patience to the situation, I feel like I'm slowly slipping each day. I've been diagnosed with Pyrrole disorder which cancels any B and zinc vitamins in my system which ultimately makes me feel more depressed and I've been told it's why I feel the need to drink so much (currently in excess of 10 standards a day). I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I have alright days where I try to pick myself up again, in the morning I feel content that I can fix all my problems myself, but by midday I'm back to what I've been doing the past 7 years. It feels like unless I have those things I can't live or be who I want to be and really I'm sick of living like this. I keep telling myself it's going to get better but really it just feels like I'm lying to myself, it feels like this might be who I really am now, like I need the drink to be me. I just don't know what to do or who to even see as treatment options cost money which a the moment I can't afford. I know I need help but I feel like I have to do it myself that's my anxiety, I feel like whenever I talk to someone and I mean not even about my situation that they are judging me for who I am. It's gotten to the point where it feels like I want to yell, shout or cry but I just can't because I feel like its going to make me seem weak. I was always an outgoing kid, I played sports, got good grades but I dont know where that part of myself has gone and all I want to do is be that person again, but it feels like the more I try the more I keep slipping into these habits and honestly I don't know how much more of it I can take.

[baet123]

Hi James,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your situation with us. Sorry to here that you are having a rough time at present and have endured a lot over the past decade. Addiction is so hard to control and accompanied with your pyrrole disorder, you have had a rough time. I can tell your extremely strong, brave and resilient and these are amazing qualities to have and the fact that you are opening up and sharing your emotions is a great thing and a great step! Know that these forums are a loving, safe and caring place and you are taken seriously and everyone is here to help each other and improve their well-being.

I have a few points that you may want to think about:

1) Have you ever been to AA sessions? I observe AA sessions regularly with my work and they are great. The old members swear by it and I think group therapy would be so beneficial for you. Many of the members without AA wouldn't be able to maintain their sobriety.

2) Have you consulted your GP or a specialist or any other health professional and possibly look into whether there are any underlying issues behind your drinking/depression?

3) You may want to consider seeing your GP and consulting him about dealing with medication to assist you with your depression which I can have positive effects on your drinking?

You deserve to be happy and have the right to be happy and content with your life. If you feel like depression/addiction is negatively impacting your overall quality of life and emotional well-being then medication and a mental health care plan from your GP which would provide you with 10 free psychologist sessions would be a good path to consider especially given your current financial situation.

Depending on where you live, there are so many neighbourhood centres/welfare agencies that can assist you through EAPA Electricity and Gas assistance. Welfare agencies including Wesley, Exodus, Mission Australia, St Vincent's and Anglicare (just to name a few) can assist you with your bills which would relieve you of some of your financial stress and burden. Please also contact your local council or Anglicare for financial counselling. Financial counselling would be great for you and it is a free service.

Hope this helped. Stay strong.

Look forward to hearing from you again shortly.

All the best James,

Nick.

[therising]

Hi JamesC19

Sounds like you do so desperately want to change and I truly hear your frustration. By the way, screaming, yelling and crying doesn't make you weak at all, it's just like letting off steam, out of a pressure cooker.

Wondering whether you're receiving any effective treatment for the Pyrrole disorder. First time I've heard of it, which has led me to get a little online education. Wow, the side-effects are pretty life-changing to say the least leading me to wonder whether addressing the disorder effectively would impact the depression and alcohol addiction. During my 15 years in depression, I was a relatively heavy drinker but once I came out of my depression, with my chemistry changing, the alcohol dependency changed dramatically (only drink a few times a year now).

Have you done much research on Pyrrole disorder? Even though aspects of the methylation cycle can be pretty complicated to get one's head around (a little complicated for me anyhow), understanding the impact of Pyrrole on the body's chemistry cycles could be empowering. Pyrrole and methylation could make for an interesting read. If you're into the research side of things, epigenetics is also a seriously empowering topic: If you key in 'Dr Joe Dispenza on Impact Theory - YouTube' it's a truly enlightening 1/2 hour or so. He's amazing when it comes to simplifying everything.

Personally, I truly loved the 'highs' of alcohol back in the day but, of course, the lows were almost intolerable (especially given that alcohol is a depressant). Being a mum to 2 teenagers, I now educate myself and my kids as much as possible when it comes to how we tick. I want my kids to know that they should not define themselves based solely on how their brain and body are behaving or misbehaving. There's so much more to us than this. How we identify with things does impact our sense of identity.

When it comes to the money side of things, my nephew went through a similar thing at around 22. He managed to speak to someone from a bank who showed him how to condense all the loans (and there were a lot) into one, with a basic repayment plan. Took a bit of the psychological stress off.

Anyhow James, whether support comes from outside sources (be it a GP and/or a therapist) or whether the support manifests through the power of self-education, continue to seek as much support as you can on your path of reformation. It can certainly be a tough path but it can also be one of great reward. Take care of yourself.