I feel like I've tried it all.

[sadgirl57]

So I posted a new thread the other day but I didn't really sum up well enough what was in my head so prepare yourself for a lot of rambling. 

Basically, I'm drained all the time. Nearly every aspect of my life is suffering - relationships, work, my health. I eat well, I hang out with people, I try motivate myself with things I like and... nothing. I try to have a good perspective, and I do a lot of the time. I'm grateful, I do everything right - I look my fears in the face and fight them but still nothing. I've done the counselling, I've been to the doctor, I've done the diet, I've done everything. I can't remember a time in my life, even as a child, when I wasn't tired. I have a handful of different vitamins everyday and while they've helped and just still this blob that can't cope with life. I have this boyfriend that I'm literally draining the life out of because all he does is try to make me happy and he can't. I try to make myself happy and I can't. I want to improve myself by studying but I literally cannot, I've gotten help and I retain no information and just can't process anything. I rest and take time out. I've tried meditation. Am I just not meant to be happy? 

[Doolhof]

Hi Sad Girl 57.

You certainly have tried a few different things. Have you been to more than one Dr? Have you had blood tests done to see if there could be something else wrong with you other than just feeling tired?

Has the Dr told you that he/she thinks you have depression? Have you tried any medications for this if so?

It does sound like you try very hard to make things better for yourself and your boyfriend.

Would it help at all to make a list of fun things you would like to do and then to tick them off once they have been achieved?

I don't think it is possible for a person to be deliriously happy all of the time! That would be great if it was the case though right! Maybe not, then you might be a different kind of exhausted!

Maybe just try to accept how you are feeling and make the most of what you do have right now. If you are tired, then have a rest and tell yourself that you will do something later on when you are feeling better.

I sometimes have days where I am so tired I go to bed straight after work for a snooze. Later on I am able to cope better and manage to do a few things in the evening.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Narniakid]

Hi sadgirl57, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear you aren't feeling well, despite all the effort you've put into almost every aspect of your life. Are you doing this for yourself or for someone else? Quite often, particularly in areas of study and schooling, you can forget that what your parents or loved ones want for you isn't necessarily what you want, and that's perfectly okay. 

Perhaps you are going through an identity crisis? I encourage you to sit down and make a collage or a mood board of pictures of things you'd like to do, what you'd like to achieve, and WHY you're putting in all this effort in the first place - is the career you're studying towards what you want to do? What are your goals and values and dreams? Consider these things when thinking about your happiness, because you have the power to change all of them.

I suggest you practice the idea of mindfulness i.e. the idea of living in the moment. I am currently reading a book about mindfulness in an attempt to stop stressing about the future and focus on the present and the people and things around me. I also suggest taking a look at your environment, both physically and mentally. I've recently spent a lot of my spare time cleaning out my bedroom and my old cupboards, as I have lived in the same house for all of my life, and things have really built up over the years. It is amazing how refreshing it feels to get rid of old possessions and materials that you don't need - not only do you have more space in the house physically, it's almost like a spring clean for your mental state.

Crystal

[morgs29]

Hi there,

Thanks so much for reaching out to us. It sounds like you are in a really frustrating space. I'm hearing that you've tried so many things, but still not feeling as if you are happy. What has the doctor said to you? Is there something that once worked that you stopped?

It's really great that you keep doing and trying new things to see what works for you. It may be that you just haven't found that formula that works for you just yet. I would encourage you to go back to your GP and let them know about these feelings and take it from there.

In the meantime, do things that help chill you out - even if they don't make you happy yet. 

Take care,

Morgan

[sadgirl57]

Hi Mrs Dools. 

Yes, yes, yes and yes. I do things I 'like' all the time and there's no good feelings that happen. I feel like I spend so much time and energy on you know trying to 'be happy' and still be cautious with my depression like resting etc. It's not that I want to be happy all the time but more than 10 minutes would be really nice, if I even get that on certain days you know? I don't want my life to be having to always consider my depression as another person living in me. 

Hi Crystal, (Narnia fan, nice)

I'm so mindful, I practice gratitude everyday, look at the positives - I just don't get that good feeling from it. I would say that I am but I've dealt with it a bit - I think it could be a very big issue though, I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and I don't have that much in common with my friends and it just makes me insecure and like I can't be myself around them. I have my best friend tattooed on my finger but I feel like I can be myself around her and that we have nothing in common. It's not that there is anything wrong with her and that she isn't amazing it's.. I don't know? I kind of feel like I'm trying to fit into normal society when I just don't at all but I don't know how to find where I fit or who I am. I try little things and go to events and stuff to find myself but like... nothing? I talk to people and push myself out of my comfort zone and it's like why do I feel like such a black sheep? I've also recently cleaned/thrown out a lot of my stuff. Like logically it was good but I didn't feel freed or anything by it. 

Hi Morgs,

Yeah, I don't know. I was going to personal training sessions because I couldn't get the motivation to exercise so I basically had to pay someone to make me haha. I got amazing results and I knew they were good and like I would feel better for like a little while and then I'd feel exhausted again. I had to stop like a month ago because too expense but I found a new cheaper/closer place. I'm hoping it takes me back to normalish. I can't seem to find a balance. Oh I have been, all but forcing myself through it, waiting for it to feel good.

  Thanks for the advice guys, you've been a great help xo

[Doolhof]

Hi Sad Girl,

Thanks for getting back to us. I do understand how you are feeling, I can so relate to everything you have written!

I am certainly no medical expert in any field, so this is only a suggestion, I am wondering if you have ever heard of "Borderline Personality Disorder".

What you are explaining sounds just like I feel, like everything is such an effort, like I am playing a part in a movie and not really attached to real life, like nothing is real, it is hard to feel anything. When I mentioned these issues and others to the psychiatrist he stated this is what I suffer from.

I have read up about Borderline Personality Disorder on the computer and borrowed books from the library. I realise now that is just how my brain functions and I can accept it or fight it. There are many times each day that I wish I felt like I was actually participating in the events around me in a more enthusiastic and more intimate way, but it doesn't work that way.

So I try to accept it, make the most of what I do feel and acknowledge other people are able to be more in contact with their feelings and emotions and that is okay.

I hope this makes sense to you. Maybe you could look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if any of this fits. I am not saying for a moment that is the case, but you may find some advice in your research which may help you to feel more connected tot he world around you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[sadgirl57]

Hi Mrs Dools,

 Call me Cassie, I'm reading through an article now about it, it seems pretty relevant. Like super relevant, I'm just reading it and I'm thinking of all the things I do everyday, the things I think about and my behaviour, the way I treat people and the way I do things and how little I'm about to function and my chopping and changing of everything. How do you really accept it and live like that? I don't think I could do it. 

thanks.

[sadgirl57]

*sorry, I'm just going to go on a rant here to get my feels out*

I'm in such a hurry all the time but I'm standing still and doing nothing. I'm so overwhelmed with things I have to do that I'm not present at all in my daily life and it's draining all my energy so not only am I worry about my health, financial trouble, work, social life, future, creating good experiences and everything else I'm constantly fighting exhaustion so I can barely participate in life. I'm so scared of everything: being alone, not being a good enough person, my looks and how I feel inside, dying of a disease, not fitting in with anyone, not finding a balance, not getting better. My life is literally a state of constantly being over-whelmed. I've tried yoga and it's so freaking hard because focus it like.. it's like focus isn't in my vocabulary, I freak out from having to sit still and do nothing that might actually help me.

I've been pretty reckless lately, abusing certain not legal things (not proud of it), not putting effort into my relationships or work. I just want to go to a retreat or something to fix myself. Take proper time out from everything to properly heal without the stresses of everyday life. I'm not listening to my heart and now I feel I can't even be honest with myself. I'm so torn between like these different versions of myself and the one that's on top right now is like the me that is just scared to embrace any of the other versions e.g successful, true to myself, confident in who I am etc. I feel like I'm totally unaligned with what I want but I've buried my truths so deep I don't know how to get them to the surface. I feel so confused about everyday decision I make and there's such a high fight or flight response to everything. Every little thing. I crave a feeling of peace and certainty and energy. I really need some energy. I've more or less been tired for every single day of my life since I was a child and got tired of complaining to my Mum about it and figured I was destined to be feel like this forever. I had one good day this week at least. I try to cling to it and use mindfulness and make my surroundings as pleasant as possible but it's out of my control sometimes, I'm sure you know the feeling. I need to find myself. I just don't know how to. 

Sorry again, I felt like this was the appropriate place for this kind of stuff. 

[sadgirl57]

I've been reading a lot of helpful articles lately. I've read such similar ones before but these writers in particular, their words just got to me more and I'm going basically shorten the articles and make posters out of them and put them up. I have some writing in my room up on the walls on things I'll do to help myself and I'm really embarrassed to have my friends in my room now because I don't want them to see. I had a girl I hadn't met before in my room and she read some of it and I felt so weird having like self help things on my walls. Does anyone else feel like this? I know I shouldn't be ashamed but... I am. 

I feel so muddled like I don't even know the difference between a real negative thought or a harmless one, what I think I want or what I actually want. I feel like I don't know myself. 

So I don't speak to my Dad and things are weird. He's trying to not really patch things up but he's talking to me like we're okay or something and it really annoys me. He doesn't even realise the damage he's done and he just sends me this letter and I just hate how oblivious he is. I didn't even give him my address, he gave it to my Mum first to post. He might die soon and I have the hardest decision to make - to either pretend that we're okay so he can somewhat be happy when he goes or tell him the truth and the possibility that he dies with all this regret and terrible, ugh. I didn't leave home till I was 17 but I don't feel like I know him at all. All I think of in relation to his is angry and a scared little me, tiptoeing - waiting for the bomb to go off and cope more verbal abuse about how I didn't do something right. He has a dog too and he can't look after it so I'm having her and he's giving me money for a bond so I can afford a big enough house but I'm like what I haven't spoken to you in a year and a half. I haven't even met this dog but I want her, I need her. I need an animal. I haven't had one for years and it's so hard to cope with life without one. I'm trying to get myself a little better so when I get her I'll be fit enough to take her for runs and save up a few grand for an emergency fund for her so if she gets sick I can look after her and for general vet bills and what not. I can't wait to meet her, Lucy, a rottweiler. 

 I'm in such a state right now. I've never felt so alone despite opening up to people and talking about stuff. What's left after that?

[sadgirl57]

So the world threw me this intense obstacle today. For a while I've been feeling like my time at this job was coming to an end because I can never last usually more than 6 months in a job. My record is 8. It just gets too much and I just break down and never show up again. I thought today was going to be that day but it went a lot differently then it usually does.
I was supposed to have the day off and then my boss rang me, asking me to come in and even though I really needed the day off I can never say no and so I said yes, immediately broke into tears and cried for 40 minutes in the shower and then got out of the shower and cried and cried some more all the while my poor boyfriend is trying to tell me to just call him and tell him I couldn't come in but that really didn't feel like an option because I had already agreed and felt I had left it too late. I was so scared to tell him I felt too down to come in. The time that I was supposed to be arriving at work came around and finally I got the courage to allow my boyfriend to text him to let him know and it was fine. I'm still so embarrassed though. I can understand that life is hard and there's things we have to do to get where we want to go but what I'm doing doesn't feel like what I'm doing is teaching me valuable things and allowing me to go where I want to go. I feel like I'm just going through this unnecessary turmoil. I just want to be able to say 'yeah I went through this to get here' but where am I going? Nowhere.