I feel like i have disappointed my family

[Big_J]

I come here to express my hurting, it all started when my family moved at the start of 2018, up north to the country in Western Australia and i stayed in perth to stay with my grandparents and have better working opportunities. that was tough for myself and i miss them alot but my parents started to make me feel terrible by saying to go work up in the mines cause they reckon when i was working part time at a fast food outlet i would ask them for money and complain about not having money when that was never the case. They also thought my girlfriend of 3 years was holding me back when that wasnt the case.. i told them many times its my decision not theres and i was also in university studying teaching but stopped due to not coping well. So it come towards the end of the year i got a full time job working in an office earning good money, both my parents laughed at me and said good luck with that job would like to see you survive in a job like that. (I work with the Australian government). After that was said i spoke my mind over text and told them how they always treat me and my second brother who has autism differently my younger siblings and i basically stuck up for myself. They think just cause my sister is suffering from issues that she is the only one who suffers but i was suffering too on how they mistreated me and made me feel like a disappointment.. they didnt like how i said the stuff of over text and started saying i am the problem and disappointed the family and that made me have bad thoughts and kept lashing out at my girlfriend and close family. The point is i just want them to treat me like an adult not a child as i am 22 years old... i just wanted to write this cause theres not many close family members i can trust without my parents finding out. Please help me guys on what to do, i am suffering bad mentally and my relationship with my parents is thin ice but what i said to them was all factual information they just didnt like it. I just need someone to talk too 😞

[Staytrue2U]

Hey Big J

I too Over the last year have thought the same but then I realised it wasn’t me at all.

Even went to a professional to get confirmation that what I was feeling was alright.

I cut ties with my family, well the ones who were toxic throughout my life, and well I haven’t felt so good, it’s been a light year not having to worry about wht they think, what they need me to do for them, they went out and said whatever about me, nothing good, but no one listened.

See I just went on and made my life better and I have been happy, and guess what, they now hear how good I’m going and how happy i am, they want back into my life, was very very easy to say no.

Now these were very close family members, mum/siblings/mums family, but I realised they should be the ones feeling guilty because I defiantly wasn’t feeling guilty, I have never been happier, so if I’m guilty of anything it’s beinf this happy and having less stress.

I don’t need them to be happy, they were the cause of my unhappiness, it just took a simple stand for myself and made the decision yep I’m going to be me and if they don’t like it cause it doesn’t suits them then too bad, haven’t looked back since.

They are the losers at the end of the day, treating anyone in that manner is not acceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated, especially when your doing so well.

Be proud of yourself and keep going, don’t feelmguilry for doing well, be proud of what you have done all by yourself, you don’t need approval from anyone else, do what makes you happy.

Good luck, your new year resolution should be, do what makes me happy and successful and never feel guilty about it.

All the best Big J

[white knight]

Hi , welcome

It is unfortunate your parents are using criticism to cause you guilt. The only way to counter their claims is to stay in your job, save money and become successful.

However, the even better attitude would be to accept that you are indeed an adult and you can make choices for yourself like remaining in Perth and getting a well paid job.

It is a pity they are not praising you for this. It might be good just to limit contact with them for a while and be fistracted by hobbies and friends.

TonyWK

[towalkon]

Hello Big J

Firstly, congratulations on being successful at getting a Government job and contributing. Well done to you. It is not as easy as it used to be and it reflects well on you and your ability and character. It is understandable that you would feel discouraged and hurt by your current situation with your parents. Try and focus on how well you have done to date and how responsible you have been in your application to work. It is not easy at your age when you are trying to find your place in the world and to be your own person but you seem to be doing just that. Credit to you. Keep going forward with whatever you decide. It seems to me that at your age what you decide to do with your life is up to you and it is not unusual to not be sure about what you want to do or where you are going. I have had four teenage children and each of them has not followed a straight path after leaving school but they have all managed to maintain some sort of employment while working themselves out and I am very proud of that. One of my sons has just left a Government job where he was not entirely happy to work in a gym and in the fitness industry while he considers where he wants to go next with his life. It might involve study for him as well. I hope over time you are able to find peace in your relationship with your parents. Their involvement is probably coming from a place of love and concern for you and maybe they don't know how to convey that to you in a loving way. Remember, give yourself credit for how well you have done.

[therising]

Hi Big J

As a mum to 2 teenagers, I'm gradually learning to take a step back on occasion so I can allow my kids to become their most authentic self. At the end of the day, I believe the role of parent to be 'guide and supporter'. This is a role best played out through suggestion not criticism.

As far as self-esteem goes, one of my favourite books is 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. The 6 pillars: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully and the practice of personal integrity. By the sound of it, you're ticking all the boxes. Self-acceptance is perhaps the hardest of all to practice. I believe in order for us to fully accept our self we need to face occasional disappointment and this does not have to be a bad thing.

If disappointment is achieved consciously, it can be a positive experience. If we see dis-appointment as 'no longer accepting an appointment or an appointed role in life', we need to be conscious of how we're going to dis-appoint our self from that particular role. If you think of all the roles your parents have given you to play, which ones do you wish to consciously dis-appoint your self from? Eg: 'I play the role of the child who seeks approval from my parents' can change to 'I play the role of adult no longer reliant on my parents approval (as I choose my own identity)' This becomes your new self-appointed role. They will feel this dis-appointment from the role they've given you and they will express the disappointment in a number of ways but this is ultimately a process they need to adjust to. You may need to find ways to keep emphasising the new roles you've chosen until they've adjusted. As I say, choose the roles you wish to change in life. If you look at it another way - you're now largely writing the script that is your life and you are the producer and the director.

We're always going to receive either applause or heckling from 'the audience' in our life. How we deal with either response relates to our self-esteem. By the way, if you're happy with the leading lady in your production/life, don't let anyone dictate your relationship with her.

Take care Big J, I applaud you

[Big_J]

Thank you white knight it just feels sometimes i get mistreated by them and want them to proud of me. They do say they are proud but have a funny was of showing it towards me compared to my othrr siblings

[white knight]

Hi big j

You have some great replies here.

I think at your age if you cave into the pressure now then they will assume you always will.

Ultimately its for you to decide contact level but do what you have to do to preserve your mental health, for that state isnt being respected atm.

"You are not solely in this world to live up to others expectations"

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TonyWK