I don't know If I'm depressed

[Ineedhelp]

Since about early December 2012 I've felt quite unhappy, It led to me isolating myself and pushing my now ex-girlfriend away. She left me shortly after new years for another guy she has been talking to for awhile. But I was feeling off sorts before this even happened. I'm not sure if it's just the 'Typical Teenage Hormones' kicking me down and making me feel like this since I'm only 18 (turning 19 in march). But It feels as though my self confidence and direction in life has just been chipping away. Throughout high school I was fairly content, I wasn't bullied and had no discernible problems. But I did quite often wake up during the middle of the night having recurring dreams of suicide and I would wake up in a panic. Once I had graduated high school a fellow friend who was in one of my classes took a liking to me and we were in a relationship for a year, We hardly ever had problems and she would comfort me through my nightmares whenever I would have them. However during December I pretty much started pushing myself away from her, I felt as though there would have been some sort of stigma if I had told her or anyone for that matter, just how sad I was feeling. So it ended with me giving her the cold shoulder because I wouldn't want to burden anyone with what I was feeling. 

But it's been a few weeks since she has left me for someone else, I'll admit being dumped for the first time is a painful experience for me but I don't feel as though it's the root of why I feel so down. I just take no enjoyment from the things I loved doing when I was carefree during High School. I enjoyed playing video games with my friends and having movie nights with them, but now they are all at university and travelling abroad and I don't get to see them very often. Right now just the thought of playing video games or doing anything I enjoyed doing makes me feel as though there's no point, I may as well get back into bed and just go to sleep where I can just rest and not worry about anything. Even getting up in the morning is a constant struggle.

What I don't know is if I'm depressed or am I just shaken up by the fact someone I really loved and enjoyed spending time with has suddenly left me for someone else and that has just multiplied how I felt about myself before the relationship ended. I'm an introverted person and talking about this topic to any of my friends is impossible for me I just wouldn't know how to bring it up, and I'm just too afraid to see a counsellor at my college about it. It just seems like the 'Typical Teenager Problem' scenario that would get played down. 

[JessF]

Hi Ineedhelp, so-called 'typical teenage hormones' and 'typical teenage problems' wind you up in a world of misery if you don't ask for help. You have waited a year already. I think it's fantastic that you have recognised that you need support at this time, even if it was "just" a breakup and not with your earlier feelings of depression. You're young, there's the pressures of study, plus getting dumped hurts hurts hurts no matter what your age. The counsellors at your college are there precisely to talk to you about what's going on in your life. While you're still at the 'struggling to get out of bed' stage this is an ideal time to seek some help, before it gets worse. Let us know how you go, if you don't get a sympathetic response from the college counselling service (I'm sure you will though) then there will be other avenues to explore.

[Neil_1]

Hi Ineedhelp

Well done for coming to Beyond Blue, posting here and reaching out for support.  I see that the lovely Jess has already replied to you already and you'd really do very well to read her post carefully.  She actually responded similarly to how I was going too, but she does it also in far less words than it normally takes me.

Ineedhelp, you're at a great age ... soon to turn 19 and really at that age, things are just starting to warm up ... ahhhhh yes, I was there ... [cough] um, quite a while ago now, but I digress.  Late teens is good.  What is not so good is the pressures that you're dealing with.  What is good is that you've recognised it and even thought it through as to how to deal with it;  how to help yourself.  That's brilliant.

As Jess advised, can you please make an appointment with your college counsellor.  And hey, this thing works for me, if you feel unsure or awkward about it - type down in dot points a list of the issues that are concerning/troubling you.  It can be as long or as short as you wish - it's totally up to you (oh and totally up to you whether you do this or not as well), but I do and I find it helps.  So I then take it along with me and depending on the day, how I'm feeling at the time, etc, the way the winds blowing;  I will either talk and refer to the paper;   or read directly from it OR give it to my psych - but either way, if you build up a list then you can be sure that you can hopefully cover all (or as many bases) as you can during your appointment.

So yes, blow any thoughts of this stigma attached out of the water right now.  What's the most important thing here is YOU.  You can't battle these feelings on your own and you should be very proud of yourself for coming here in the first instance to seek support and advice.  I hope you can go to the next step and as Jess said, please let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mbuna]

Hey Ineedhelp

Neil and Jess have given you some great advice. I started getting anxiety in my teenage years. I came for a family and community where men were men. We did not have emotional problems and if we did we just toughed it out. I then joined the Army and that was another environment where you had to be tough. I had all sorts of issues and for years and i told nobody. I could function but i had periods of anxiety and sadness. It got worse as I got older. I developed this fantastic self defense mechanism. I could mask my panic attacks and let everyone know I was ok when i wasn't. Eventually I let it all get on top of me and I hit rock bottom. It was only then that I realized that i needed help. My only regret is that I did not get the help earlier.

You are young. The feelings your are having are not normal. If you cant get motivated and you feel like nothing in your life gives you pleasure then you need to get help. Don't put it off.

Regards

Mbuna

[Ineedhelp]

Hi guys, Sorry I mean't to say I've felt this way since December 2013 not 2012. I had a very good year spending time with my girlfriend during 2013. Her parent's had moved to another city about 900km away and she chose to rent and apartment and stay here in this city, mostly for me but also because all her friends were here and she wanted to study here. She definitely had it tough balancing all these things at her age so once her 6 month lease ended I told her to go live with her parent's in the other city. She seemed like she was stressed and missed them and I couldn't bare to see her like this so we decided to do LDR. It didn't make much sense to me when she left me for someone else because now she's seeing someone who lives here in this city which still makes it a LDR for her.

But more to the point I'd like to thank you guys for helping me cheer up a bit. I'll make a decision by Monday as to whether I'll book a counsellor or not. I am managing to get by being alone, I've written up a resume and I've found a job I'm going to apply for. I'm trying my absolute best to get back on my feet and just carry on but I would be lying if I said there wasn't always a voice telling me that there isn't much point in all of this. I'm aware that failing and making mistakes is a natural part of life but really I'm just always afraid of the future, and that's making living in the present awfully difficult for me. Being made worse by the fact that I just find talking to people face-to-face so frightening that I've learned to keep to myself and always handle my own problems. And that's how it's always been for me.

And it was a non-issue until all it took was for someone to re-affirm the doubts in my head telling my I wasn't of value by leaving me for another person. Being my first relationship (I never even generally thought about being in a relationship but when I found out somebody liked me I was so shell shocked that I wanted to do nothing but treat this person with all the love and care I had to offer, but eventually I just grew sad and stopped and started treating her with less and less kindness. So yeah .. I guess I feel I'm to blame for this but I know that if that person really cared for me then I wouldn't be in this situation.

[geoff]

hi Ineedhelp, being dumped, yuk, even at my young ( cross that out ) because I'm 59, probably grandfather material for you, it will always hurt, although with me it's something not unusual, but for you at almost 19 it hurts like hell.

It feels like being rejected and this is something that needs to be spoken about, because if you leave it all bottled up, then it will become worse, and by becoming worse it then leads onto many other problems, and then depression grabs you at any sign of a melt down, and this is something that you nor anyone else wants to get, unfortunately all of us on this site were victims, and whether or not we had seen it coming, it was too late.

If you feel a bit uneasy talking to a counsellor at this early stage, then please continue to talk to us, because we have no idea who you are or what you look like, but there's one thing for sure is that we all understand what you are saying. Geoff.

[Ineedhelp]

Thanks Geoff, I do want to take my time deciding whether or not to see a counsellor because it is something very much out of my comfort zone and right now I'd feel better not putting myself out there just yet. Maybe when I'm a bit more confident that I can seek help in person without worrying so much 🙂 

And whenever I come onto the site I only wish I could help everyone else on here, Before I got into a relationship I was always helping my friends and everyone else with their problems and cheering them up which cheered me up. But once I got into a relationship I was only focused on helping solve my girlfriends problem's until eventually I guess I became the problem, I've been trying to meditate every day and I've realised that even though I became the problem at least I'm able to take responsibility for it and forgive myself. I'm fully aware I stopped treating her with the respect she deserved, But I can't say I wish for things to have happened differently at this point. Because maybe if she didn't leave me I never would've taken action against my own problems and I could have ended up being worse to her which is something I would never want.

But all I want now is to just go back to how I used to be when I was standing on both my feet and happy with everything.. That's the part I find difficult. No amount of meditating, hanging out with friends, picking up hobbies or doing things I used to do that made me happy have been working. There's always that spot in my mind reserved for the voice that tells me I wont amount to anything and to just stop trying. 

Even though I take baby steps every day and tell myself that the future has endless possibilities that I don't know about there's that ball and chain around my ankle that stops me from doing anything with enthusiasm or enjoyment. Even most of my high school friends are off travelling the world and pursuing their dreams while I'm just stuck here wondering why should I try if there's nothing but disappointment for myself around the next corner.