I don't know if I have depression

[dreh]

Hi there, 

I came on here for some guidance, as I don't know if I have depression or not. I took the checklist on this website and it told me I do, but I'm not sure if I do or just was making more exaggerated answer so it would tell me I do and I would know what it going on. I'm in year 12 at the moment, and the last term I have just been really down and out and not motivated to do anything, but I didn't think of depression at first as I thought maybe it was just because I knew I was so close to finishing that I was turning my attentions to other things and it was harder to focus on my school work. 

I first noticed something was up last holidays, when I just began getting upset for no reason. Nearly every night for the past term I have gotten upset to the point of tears, and it has worsened the past few weeks that I want to cut just to release some of the pain. I used to play music in order to distract myself from this but lately I don't even feel like practicing any more. My boyfriend is the only thing or person that is making me happy at the moment, and I am a Christian but I am even struggling to talk to God, because my thoughts and my actions have become so unChristianlike I feel guilty in talking to him. 

I have always been a good student at school, but lately I have been getting so distracted, and unable to focus on anything that I have found myself pulling all nighters just to complete an assignment, and I wake up on a weekend knowing that there are things I should be doing, but just rolling over and going back to sleep, even if I am awake and don't feel like sleeping anymore. I have been getting into lots of arguments with my mum over this, which hurts because we have always had a really close relationship, and whenever she asks I just tell her that I am okay and I am just stressed. But it's gotten to the point where I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore, and lately I have also started pushing my boyfriend away. 

My thoughts generally consist of me never being good enough, that everything I do is wrong. Because I am year 12 they have also consisted of it not being worth going to uni, because everyone else is brighter and smarter than I am, and since it's a competitive world I just shouldn't bother. Even as I am writing this I don't know why I am because there are other people who need taking care of who actually have depression. But I'll keep it here because that seems like a depressing thought to me. 

Please help, I'm really lost.

[Sea-n-sky]

Hi dreh,

Thanks for posting in this forum.

The caption you use, "I don't know if I have depression",  I think is just brilliant.

It tells me you are very much a realist. A sensible person for sure. More importantly perhaps, it clearly indicates that you do not jump to conclusions, but first you question, and then you research. You do that for good reason, a reason you yourself have clearly identified. There are things you feel are not quite right at the moment, and the action you have already taken is obviously with a clear intent to rectify that situation.

That's perfect.

Wow, what a desireable attribute you have. That is what it is, so at least please recognise it as such,  and reward yourself with some high scoring points, for that is what you rightly deserve.

As for the university thing, I rather feel that perhaps you don't need to go there.

Indeed you have in some ways "graduated" already, but if you would like to go there for a good valid reason, then in time, I am sure that you will. I would suggest you do not go there just because every one else does, or it just seems to be the right thing to do.

A GAP YEAR might be a good thing for you at this time. A year of reward for completing high school. You probably deserve it after all. Ease that stress just a bit.

Like yourself, I do not know if you have depression or not. What is very clear is that you are experiencing some depressive type symptoms, and that you have recognised them. Nothing can be more important than that.

What is clear to me, is that as a year twelve student you are probably highly stressed, because, as you say yourself, the years of high school are nearly over. Those years are so much a part of your life, and have been for several years, that the recognition they are coming to an end must be stressful to you, and I expect, are the cause of considerable anxiety. Not surprisingly either. 

Schooldays are over - Oh my God - What now ?  Is that the real situation ?

I hope so, because if so, it's pretty normal, I would think, and stressful, but I am sure things will work out fine. However, you have to be kind to yourself first - that is of paramount importance.

I'll stop there for now, in the hope that you will consider my remarks.

AND - don't push that boyfriend too far away, if he really is important to you.

Hope to hear from you again  soon.

Cheers,

Sea-n-sky.

[Klancy]

Sea-n-sky

That was one of the most well written responses I've come across for a long time.  I really hope it helps you dreh.

I remember Grade 12 back in 1987 and it was stressful then!  I have two girls and the eldest in Grade 7 is worried about her marks terribly already - and that's with limited pressure at home.  She seems to put it on herself / or maybe the school does. It is a competitive environment and a tricky one to navigate for them.

Thank you for your great post.

Klancy

[Klancy]

Hi Dreh

Grade 12 is heavy and a big deal to most these days.  However, you can't see in to the future and Sea-n-sky is so so right.  Take a GAP year.  I left grade 12 (which was stressful even back in 1987!) and worked and saved.  Then, I travelled to London and saw many many parts of Europe whilst working in the UK.  It was the best thing I ever did.  To this day - I still have memories almost every day.  

I did my first university degree at 26 years old in psychology and then topped it up with some Post-grad in education and became a teacher at 36 yrs old!  I am now 44 and I do relief teaching which is the most perfect job in the world with kids.

When I graduated in Year 12 I was offered a place at uni to do physiotherapy.  I'm so glad my life didn't go down that track.  I have a friend who is a physio and after a while she says it can get quite repetitive and boring.

Take it easy on yourself.

Anyway, Dreh - I'm trying to communicate to you that leaving school is an ending - but it's also a whole new beginning.  Take some time to just do some of your most favourite things.  Get yourself a great little job at a Juice Bar (usually funky people to work with), save up and see some of this beautiful world.

Stay in touch

Klancy

[Sea-n-sky]

Hey Klancy,

That's great advice you've just given.

Your story is fabulous as well.

You seem both happy and content, - which is great.

Clearly you have been a success.

Cheers.

[geoff]

dear Dreh, well there have been a couple of excellent replies back to you.

Year 12 is a nightmare, as a lot of us have been through, and I certainly wouldn't want to go through it again, but it's a path that all of us have to complete, so the question is whether stress and pressure is the same as depression, well in an existing situation it is, so there's no difference where you are sitting than it is to someone who lives in 10 years after year 12, because in a working job basically it's the same.

The pressure that you are under to score well so that you can then go to uni and then to keep studying until you obtain a degree has been forced onto us by this ongoing system, this maybe so, but it doesn't mean that you have to do it straight away, or actually do it.

I absolutely agree with Sea-n-sky and Klancy finish this year as best as you can and then take a year or so off, picking up part time work in what ever suits you, there is no pecking order here, so if your 'friends' want to go to uni they can, let them do what they want and if by any chance they chastise you, ignore them.

My concern here is that you are pushing your boyfriend away, and is this because of your school work or is he putting pressure onto you.

Your almost across the line it's hard we know but it will be over and down with very soon. Geoff.

[dreh]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to get back to you all, but some things were happening and I even forgot for a bit that I had posted on here until about a week ago when things started getting bad again.So I thought I would come back and give you all an update, because I had a really bad day yesterday, and I just felt really lost and alone.

I really do want to go to uni, at least now I do, I found a course that I think would be really cool and it fits the things I'm interested in perfectly so hopefully I will get accepted and enjoy it. It's a dual degree of exercise science and psychological science, and I'm really interested in music therapy in particular which I can learn about through this course. 

After my last post, I had an exam a couple of days later for math c. I didn't end up sitting the exam on the day, because the day before I had self harmed and was an absolute wreck and just inconsolable because I had never actually gone through with it before. But I told my boyfriend and he was really upset and angry with me and I couldn't focus on studying no matter how hard I tried. I ended up with two hours sleep and went to school to sit the exam but I found my math teacher and told him about everything that was going on. He told me not to sit the exam and I had to go and talk to the dean of students at the school and the reverend and everything, and then they had to call my mum so now she knows everything that had been going on.

Things didn't get better after that though. I had a particularly bad incident with my boyfriend and I thought we would break up - either he would break up with me because he couldn't deal any more or I would break up with him because I couldn't keep hurting him. But the day after this I went out with one my closest friends and he was talking to me about his girlfriend who had gone through a similar thing to me when they were at school (they are both second year uni) and then things got better. They were better for 3 weeks until last week.

I don't know what happened but everything was just rotten and I got upset over the littlest things again. I find it really hard to connect with my boyfriend because I knew he wasn't a Christian, but I read something saying that Christian people can't go out with nonchristians and I get why it would be hard in the future but I didn't know there was a thing saying that you can't.

I'm just really lost and alone again and I thought it had gone away. 


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