I can't make friends, what's wrong with me?

Sunny9804 · ‎08-05-2017

I don't really know what to do anymore.

i used to have a lot of friends in highschool, a massive group of girl and guy friends, it was great, I was out every weekend and always doing stuff. Then one day it just changed, I started to get picked on, laughed at and left out.

Fast forward 3 years and I don't have any friends. I've tried so hard but people just don't like me or don't include me. I've tried traveling on my own, joining sport teams, joined uni clubs and groups and gone on camps. I meet a lot of people, but no that wants to stick around. People don't like me.

My parents have always brushed it off as a 'phase' or 'jealousy' but Im so tired of crying, and feeling alone and always wondering what's wrong with me. Why can't i make friends? I'm nice, I've always gone out of my way for people. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to feel so alone anymore, I hate it.

Loco23 · ‎09-05-2017

Hi Sunny,

i know what you're going through. I'm experiencing the same thing right now. And lol yeh for some reason my parents haven't been much help either, they've been quite oblivious to the implications..

However, that's not to say it won't change... You had plenty of friends before which means you are capable of getting to that point again.

i think it's normal to have long term friends and lose them and then acquire new ones. But it's not easy I know.

Zeal · ‎09-05-2017

Hey Sunny,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have close friends at this stage in your life. I can relate to this. It's great that you make an effort to socialise, and the fact that you used to have a steady group of friends shows that you are socially able. Thoughts such as "what's wrong with me?" and "why can't I make friends?" must be eating away at your self-worth and confidence levels.

Maintaining friendships in high school is made easier by the fact that you can see friends each week day. With differing uni schedules and different types of commitments, it can be more challenging to regularly catch up with people, and sometimes even to find common ground. I only have one close friend I met through uni. There is a group of friends outside of uni that I spend time with, but I'm only close to a few people in this group. My boyfriend is in this social group, so I am clearly very close to him! 😛 My two closest friends moved interstate early last year, which has been hard, but I do see them when they come back to visit several times a year.
I can relate to feeling lonely, even when I know there are supportive people around me.

I'd like to direct you to previous threads about friendships that may be useful to look through:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/trouble-making-friends-at-university#qiz7xHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/no-real-friends-#qlnJP3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/how-do-you-make-friends-#qlqofHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I hope this forum is a supportive place for you to come to 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

geoff · ‎09-05-2017

hello Sunny, it's lonely when this happens, but for some reason someone says something to a friend and so the rumour begins and gets well out of control from what the original comment was, but why does any rumour begin, probably just one person in the group who may not like you for some particular reason which maybe unfounded.
As we go through life some good as well as bad things happen, we make friends but then move away so they disappear, but other r/ships begin, it's not that people don't necessarily don't want to be friends, but their life, hobbies and what they want to do over the week end also changes, simply because their interests develop which you may not be intereted in.
You could have forgotten that this could also be happening with them but not aware of. Geoff.

Mia130 · ‎27-07-2019

Yeah I feel the same. All my friends I've had never stuck around. They would always leave for someone better. I just can't deal with it anymore at first I blamed them but now I blame myself because I just feel there is something wrong with me. Maybe i can't socialise but I don't know what im doing wrong and I just want someone to talk to about my thoughts.

Retrowave · ‎28-07-2019

Just remember school can be an awful experience, highs and lows. Hang in there, things get much better when you leave and go to university and you meet people with similiar interests.

anotherteen · ‎08-08-2019

Hi. im in high school right now, and its so hard. i used to be in a big group of guys and girls, and then i was bullied out of it in my first year. the next year was hard, watching them have fun without me. in my third year, i was close to them again, but not all. im too afraid to join again, but ocasionally i hang out with them. however, i dont feel like i fit in, and that i never will. to make matters worse,im not on good terms with my current close friends. i feel more alone than ever honestly. i understand what its like to put in a lot of effort in a friendship, but feel undervalued in return. i dont understand the part of what i did wrong either. im not sure if it gets better. i hope it does, for me and you.

therising · ‎08-08-2019

Hi Sunny

Hmm...relationships (of any kind). Complicated business occasionally!

I find that my relationships with folk are pretty much based on how I relate to them and how they relate to me at any given time. If things in our lives have changed here and there over time, I find that we all begin to relate somewhat differently for different reasons.

I believe that when it comes to assessing our self as 'friendship material' in any relationship, we're best assessing how we relate to others. If we don't relate much to those who drink heavily and party a lot, then the relationship will reflect this. If we can't relate to being the 'joke' at the centre of a circle then we can understandably feel like the odd one out among an insensitive bunch. If we're not super chatty and everyone else around us is, friendships can feel awkward to some degree. But are these the kinds of friendships we're truly happy being within? It can feel a little like 'settling' at times.

When we really click with a person or a group, it's typically because we can relate to them and they can relate to us in a number of ways. Such people know how to be their most authentic positive self. Their expectations are fair and realistic. They promote our evolution just as we promote or encourage theirs. And you know what, at the end of the day, these qualities we seek in a friend are the same qualities we often long to find within our self (being positively and authentically us, having fair and realistic expectations of our self and promoting and encouraging evolution or love within our self).

My mantra: Seek not people but qualities within people. When we are drawn to the greatest of qualities we will discover the greatest of friendships with others and our self.

Take care and never stop seeking even if seeking takes you a little outside the square 🙂

Blue_Coral · ‎04-09-2019

Hi. I feel the same. Nearly every time I make a friend they just use me for my other friends and pretty much takes them away from me. Plus a bunch of friends who can’t be bothered to listen to what I say it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall that surrounds me.

Loco23 · ‎13-10-2019

Hi Sunny, I've been going through a very similar thing in the last 2 years. I used to have a lot of friends, all in different social groups. I've lost a lot of them now and I'm down to maybe about 2 or 3 and I probably only see them once every 2-3 weeks sometimes. It was a rough realisation for me... But a lot of them would do what you said about poking fun. Some friends I deliberately pushed myself away from because I was being 'friends' with them out of routine. I have to admit, it is a lot harder making GOOD friends when you're an adult.