I can't decide whether travelling is going to be good for me

[wilfredpickles]

Last year during my worst period of depression and anxiety a new acquaintance invited me to travel with him and a mutual friend, and now our departure date is weeks away. I said yes, but the thought of the trip never really excited me; I'd been to all of the destinations before. I sat through the planning stage and was always the last to contribute ideas, or pay deposits, figuring my enthusiasm would come later. But it didn't. If I'm honest, I said yes not to have something to look forward to, but something that I had to keep being alive to do; an obligation.

Later on, the mutual friend's father became sick. It looked like he might not go and I felt trapped. If i cancelled now, the acquaintance would be stuck unable to go at all (the friend has since decided to go). And so I've suffered in silence until recently, when I began to explore the option of cancelling.

If I were to cancel, I'd get about half of the money I've spent back, which is a little over a third of what the trip would cost if i were to go. The costs for the other two people wouldn't change.

My biggest problems are that if I go, I'm not sure that anyone will enjoy themselves as much given that everyone is now aware of how I feel. My friends have said that they only want me there if I want to be there. At the same time, if I cancel I'm worried about the embarrassment I'll feel when explaining to people why I cancelled (my family, for eg, stigmatise mental illness a lot).

I've always felt that I didn't want to go on this trip, and the thought of doing so has caused my mental health to take a turn for the worse again. Cancelling has become unexpectedly possible, and I'm relieved about it, but part of me is still reluctant to do so for some reason. I'm fine with the amount of money I'd lose by cancelling, but the thought of spending even more on this trip bothers me when I'm not passionate about it and I don't want to lose all of my savings.

I just feel like I'm going to face pressure either way and can't decide what to do.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wilfredpickles,

Welcome to the forums!

Gosh, this is a tough question -

It sounds like you've started to make a bit of a pro's and cons list, so let's try and look at that more:

Why to say yes -

- You wouldn't lose money as if you would by cancelling

- If you cancelled it might be embarrassing (but it might not too)

Why to say no -

- You would lose money by cancelling

- You've been to these destinations before

- Maybe people might not enjoy themselves given that they are aware of how you feel

I think it's also important to look at where in your post you said "people might not enjoy themselves given that everyone is aware of how you feel" and "your friends said that they want you to be there if you want to be there". One of the things about depression and anxiety is that it can make us think things that aren't necessarily true; we don't know that you're friends are going to have a bad time. They may still have a great time. You might have a great time.

What sort of trip is planned? Are there things that you've enjoyed in the past? Maybe there's a way where you can spend some time alone or bring something with you; if you're not scuba diving it can still be relaxing to sit on the sand and watch the beach. Or it might be nice to see the city light up at night sitting on the balcony; or watching Foxtel in the room. I know from my own experiences there are often really small things that can help make it a better trip, and often in the ways we least expect. Even in our lowest moods I still believe a change of scenery can still help a little.

One of the other things I wanted to ask was - looking back at this which would you regret more? How will this look in 3/5 years time?

So - I'm not sure if this has been helpful, but I don't want to make the decision for you. I think this one is yours to make. But hopefully being able to look at it from different perspectives might be able to sway you one way or another. I think that if I were in the same boat I'd want to make it for me - not for what other people might think/do or say.

[wilfredpickles]

Hi!

I know, it's a tricky situation, but thanks so much for taking the time to offer some help. You're right, the first thing I've sort of been trying to do is make a pros and cons list, but thanks for laying that out a bit more clearly for me.

The trip is across multiple countries over the course of a month. I thought about what you said and there are actually quite a few days without a set itinerary. I'm beginning to feel more optimistic about being able to do what I want when I'm there, maybe even just taking some time out on my own and meeting up with the others later.

I also think that my feelings made me only consider the present; one of the consequences of depression for me at least is having to take things day by day to keep from feeling overwhelmed. But as important as money is to me not feeling stressed, the truth is that I don't know if that will be relevant in a few years.

Thanks for giving me some new perspective. You helped exactly the right amount.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wilfredpickles,

Thanks for your post!

It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought, and I'm really really happy that I was able to help. I'm also glad that you're taking things day by day; I feel like this is one of those things that are so much easier said than done. It's also okay if you're not sure what would be relevant in a few years time; maybe in a sense that makes the decision a little easier (even if it's just a tiny bit).

Feel free to keep on posting or to let us know what you decide.

[geoff]

hello Wilfredpickles, this decision has to come by you, but reading your comment I don't think you would enjoy your trip, especially because you have been to all of these destinations, so there may not be any excitement going there again.
You also can't leave your depression and anxiety at home while you're away, they always come with you until you are able to control and overcome them, but now you're not at that point now.
The loss of money, well you could look at this that all the money you pay for electricity is a waste of money, figuratively speaking, or all the take away food you buy is also a waste, so compare this to the money you are going to lose.
If you pay the full price and go, which you wished you hadn't, then that's a waste isn't it, to me I wouldn't be going, you need help with your depression and anxiety before you will start to enjoy life. Geoff.