I Blame Myself....for everything

[Liam007]

I have trouble with self acceptance. I find that I constantly blame myself for EVERY mistake that goes wrong.

Friend is upset and when I try offer support they only get worse = my fault

Friends don't want to talk to me = my fault

I try to help someone but they don't want my help or I feel they are annoyed by me= my fault

I embarrass myself when I'm talking to a new person I just met= MY FAULT

and so on....I don't feel like I have general shyness I feel like I'm coming across as an idiot whenever I stuttered or stop for a second to think about I want to say next. I feel like a weirdo. I don't know when something is actually my fault or if it was just bad luck or the situation was out of my control or if I made no mistake to begin with. I feel like I'm doing something wrong constantly. Am I worrying too much? Should I give myself more of a chance? Thanks, Liam

[white knight]

Hi LiamC

You really seem to lack self esteem. Confidence or lack of it is a common problem and many of us grow out of it as time goes on. 

One has to go through many many mistakes and learn the hard way each time before we are experienced enough to make many less mistakes.

EG.  I've identified I've lacked street wisdom. This seems odd because my work record expands form the military to prison warder to investigator etc- but little street wisdom. Very odd.

However with cognitive therapy sessions I made up some ground to an acceptable level.

So many of us dont learn what we need to learn as teens in preparation for adulthood. Almost pointless trying to find out why. Just try to acknowledge your deficiencies eg in your case it could be self esteem, and google it and if it is a major concern seek your medical professionals advice and treatment.

Take care Liam. Good to see you here often.

[BenD]

Hi Liam,

I do this ALL the time as well. I think I'm getting better at it now though, mainly because I started writing things down and then looking at the facts.

For example, embarrassing yourself when talking to someone new.

For

• (You will have to fill this in but I bet you can think of at most one thing)

Against

• The other person may have been having a bad day.
• They may have been in a rush.
• They may be shy themselves.
• They might not be as thoughtful as you are when conversing with others.
• …etc

Do you understand what I'm getting at? There are loads more reasons for it to be something on their end rather than something to do with you. And in that 1/100 time it is you then don't stress - you are human and humans are not perfect.

The facts as I see them are that : a) You offer support to your friends when they are upset, b) You display kindness by offering to help others and c) You are open to meeting new people.

What do you reckon?

Ben

[Liam007]

Ben

I do understand what you're getting at and I do appreciate it. But I'm just finding extremely hard at the moment , as whiteknight said I really do lack self esteem and self worth. I do consider the Against arguments and appreciate them and do try to look at the "humans are not perfect all the time" statement

Thanks Ben, from Liam

[BenD]

No worries Liam. I should have prefaced that comment by stating that it is not a quick fix, but it is light at the end of the tunnel. I've found keeping a journal helps a lot with tracking emotions too.

Regardless, you seem like a swell guy to me. Ask your best friends or your family and I'm sure they will say the same. It can be hard to see that yourself but sometimes you just need others to show you how. 

Here if you need me.

Ben

[Liam007]

Hi Ben, so another Issue I wanted to get off my chest just popped up.

So I got invited by a friend to hang out at his place, he said there would be alcohol drinking there. I have decided right here and now that I am not going to be a drinker (I'm only 17). I politely declined saying I don't drink. I start to feel like the reason I don't fit in or hang around people is because of that. Am I being to stubborn?

Thanks, Liam

[BenD]

Hi Liam,

I can't give you a right or wrong answer, but this could be a good opportunity to try out that pros/cons thing from above? For example:

"I am being stubborn by not drinking"

For

• My friends want me to drink and I feel I may let them down on their expectations of me if I decline.

Against

• If they were real friends then they wouldn't pressure me if I feel uncomfortable doing so.
• It should be my choice whether I want to drink or not, for my own reasons, which I don't have to necessarily share.

...

See what I mean? You could ask many people here on beyondblue and they would tell you alcoholism has been a major issue for their mental health (I'm one of them). On the other hand, some people would say that they have formed bonds that otherwise wouldn't have been made without the common practice of drinking involved (I'm also one of these people too).

It comes down to what you are comfortable with. That's all. Ignore what everyone else says, you're a smart guy, you should trust your judgement on this and go with what feels right for you.

Get back to me and let me know how you feel.

Ben

[Liam007]

Ben

I thought about what you said and here is my conclusion:

For

• My friends want me to drink and I feel I may let them down on their expectations of me if I decline.

 Against

• I'm underage, if I were to drink it would be against the law
• I'm diabetic so it's not good for my health
• I'm already upset so adding alcohol is not a good idea
• At the end of the day, it's my decision

So in conclusion, I feel comfortable with my decision not to drink because I don't feel comfortable with it for legal and health reasons. So that's one down!

Thanks from Liam

[Flex]

Everyone goes through this at some point in their lives Liam, its great that your aware of these feelings it means your certainly human.  Lots of things are out of our control just try not to take everything personally because that wont help you at all. Get use to it because its just a part of life you will over time become more skilled at handling these situations though.  There is nothing wrong with taking a breath or a few seconds to stop and think about your response/answer this actually shows that you think about what you say before you say it, which usually gives you time for a better response and demonstrates to the other person that your paying attention to him/her. You may be worrying for no reason at all and yes please give yourself more of a chance don't be to harsh on yourself your still young with lots to learn & experience. Hope this helps..

Kind regards,

Flex

[BenD]

Well done mate, that's exactly how to do it!

If you practice that enough, you'll start seeing things from a different perspective without even needing to begin writing. Of course it will take time, but you will get there.

On a side note, I think that you've made the right decision 🙂

Here if you need,

Ben