I am my own worst critic

[lucasworm]

Hi I'm Lucas 

I'm 16, and new to Beyond Blue, so its nice to be here. I've been suffering from anxiety for around 4 years and for the last over six months I've been depressed, and I hate it, because no matter how happy I feel, there is always this voice in my head, telling me I'm "not good enough" that "I'm fake" that "I'm stupid and a failure". I am my own worst critic, so when I get criticized by others it hits twice as hard. But I like to be a positive person when I can be, I'm in high school (obviously) and I push my self, I have received straight As for both school semesters, I received numerous leadership awards, academic awards and captaincy's, in just one year, and now I'm about to start another year, but this time I'm starting it while I feel, sad all the time, so I'm worried I wont live up to the expectations I place on myself, I'm a perfectionist, but one with no motivation, I hate going out, I hate seeing friends but I hate to be alone, and I put on this mask of happiness for my family and friends, I feel so alone. 

 All my friendships are complex, I have so many friends that I feel alone in a sea of people that don't really know me, I feel like there is no one to turn to, hence why I am here, I'm scared that I will feel like this forever, unmotivated, unhappy, depressed, anxious, lonely and a failure. It feels like nothing I do is right, at work, at school or at home. I hate being judged, which is what started my whole anxiety thing, the fear of people talking about me negatively making me feel shit about myself and the fear of not living up to my expectations, my depression came straight after I got my first straight A's, I just felt nothing. Its not the sadness that hurts me its the feeling of nothing. 

So I suppose I'm here to see what you think, If theirs anyone that understands?

sorry for my rant,
-Lucas 

[Paul]

Hey Lucas,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

I completely understand. It's that pressure you put on yourself and you kick your own bum until you get the results, then when they come in you don't feel the pride and sense of achievement that follows.

I've found I want to be social, but I just don't feel like it, but I feel lonely at the same time.

I can be surrounded by people and feel lonely because I have no connection to anyone.

I sometimes feel numb because of too much emotional input, my brain shuts up shop and the numbness tries to protect me. It does the opposite because it's such an odd feeling.

The biggest one of all. I'm stupid and a failure. I can relate to this as well. For me it's relationships, they seem to make my fear of failure and my self talk really negative.

Are you able to talk to your school counsellor?

How about your parents?

Feeling like this is nothing to be ashamed of and I think you'll find lots of people here feel the same way, so you're definitely not alone in feeling like this.

If you are not comfortable talking to your school's counsellor or your parents, how about your Dr?

I think it's pretty important, now that you've taken to first step to understand how you feel by visiting us here to also get some help from a professional. With the year about to start, the last thing you want to be doing is kicking your own bum all the way to December.

Depression is a weird beast. Sometimes it takes multiple different methods to get it under control.

What are your thoughts on having a chat to someone else Lucas?

Take good care, we're always here and there's the Beyond Blue hotline in an emergency if you need to talk to someone.

Paul