Hello BB :)

[Adric]

Hello, I'm so happy I found this place. I've been lurking here these days and finally decided I will get the help I need and fix myself.

I'd like to share my story with you all and seek your advice.

Almost a year ago, I left my Diploma studies in a country to Australia to start a new life with a girl I was dating long-distance. We met before the long distance started (She had to leave for Aus first). Ever since I got here, I have always felt the need to be with her. And I would do anything for her like anything. I would miss classes just to take care of her. I understand that was stupid. But I just couldn't help but please her. Well after 1 year and 6 months she left me. It was more like giving up. We have had problems but there was this time when she slept with someone I know. And yet I still accepted her after a break which was like 2 days. I just thought no matter what I"ll be fine if she loves me. It's been 2 months after the breakup. I'm disgusted of myself. I want to go see her and talk to her. I literally begged her to be with me as well. She said no. Normally it would be easy to just move on right? But this girl. She keeps saying she loves and takes care of me. I mean why can't she just let me go? She's also flirting with a new guy..... She only comes when I'm away. And this time I don't think she'll ever come back again if I'm away.

Sorry for the wall of text my question is

How do I face these facts? I know she doesn't want me. But why am i going after again and again? Its like banging my head again and again and not knowing if it hurts.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to be depend on her. I don't need her. I know it but why am I so weak.

[Zeal]

Hi Adric,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear about your difficult break-up. It sounds as though you devoted so much of your time to this girl, that your interests and studies were neglected. You loved and cared for her so much, and was so giving. In a relationship, both people need to be equally giving. Coming to Australia before completing your studies must have been difficult. If you don't mind me asking, did you skip classes to care for her because she needed someone to care for her at that time? Or do you feel that there was a personal need for you to be with her?
Love is amazing, but can be all-consuming if it is allowed to dominate every aspect of a person's life. It was hurtful for this girl to sleep with someone you knew. While the ability to forgive is admirable, it's important that you don't neglect your own emotional wellbeing. It's okay to need more time to forgive someone for hurtful actions. ​

For your sake, it's important that you take time for yourself to heal from this hurtful breakup. It's unfair of this girl to keep in contact to say she loves you, after she broke up with you. This is making it very hard for you to move on from her. Next time she messages you in this way, tell her you would appreciate some emotional space. You are right in saying that you don't need her - and you aren't weak. Talking to a counsellor could be helpful.​

It sounds as though you were afraid of not being able to ensure this girl's constant safety and happiness, which must have been exhausting. She may have felt overwhelmed by your attentions and intensity. Many people need personal time for their own activities, even while in a relationship. This is normal and healthy.
For instance, my boyfriend and I spend plenty of time together, but we allow time for our own activities too. We organise to spend time together when we are both able to. I have uni and volunteering, as well as family commitments (which he sometimes attends). He has sport trainings/games, family commitments (which I sometimes attend), uni studies and sport coaching. We talk on facebook chat every day though, which is especially helpful on the days we are too busy to see each other in-person.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Adric]

Thanks for the welcome and reading my story.

I skipped classes because sometimes I felt the need please her, like if she's hungry I would be a delivery boy for her. Little things like that, I don't mind. I actually enjoy doing em. Today I went to see her, I had my closure.

Also I have never talked to a counselor before, I'd like to try.

I know all I need to do is get rid of hoping. I still hope she would show up somehow.

[Zeal]

Hi again Adric,

This need to please caused life disruption, as you neglected your own goals in order to be always available. Talking to a counsellor is a great idea. You can go to your doctor (GP) for a referral to one. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor soon.

Best wishes,

SM

[Adric]

Sorry if this sounds weird but I don't have a GP and I don't really know how to get one.

[Adric]

Thank you so much, SM.

Right now all I need is someone to tell me I'm on a right track for once.

[Zeal]

Hi Adric,

That's not weird 🙂 You could try searching on the Internet for a local doctor's clinic/practice in your area. Just type in the name of your city or region (and maybe the postcode or suburb). An example is: Brisbane Gordon Park doctors. The phone numbers and contact info for doctor clinics and specific doctors (GP's) are often online. You can call a doctor's clinic, and say you are a new patient and would like to make an appointment.

I hope this helps 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Adric]

I just found out my uni offers individual counselling. I'll try them first.

Again, thank you SM. I'll get better and help others like me.

[Narniakid]

Hey there Adric, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear about what's happened with you and your girlfriend. There's no denying relationships are difficult, especially when you seem to be putting in all the effort. By the sounds of it, it was a little one-sided. I agree with where SM is coming from - while it's important to be there for your partner, personal time is needed too.

I think SM has offered some excellent advice and there's not much more I can add. It is fantastic that you've decided to see the counsellor at your uni - let us know how that goes! 🙂

Best wishes,

Crystal