Having a hard time accepting myself

[Liam007]

I have doubts, I made another post on this board elsewhere but I have so much more I want to say.

As I mentioned in the other post, it's in the school section. I find myself not really fitting in with my school because I am pretty much a goody two shoes, I don't like taking risks and I refuse to drink alcohol.

But here I just wanted to discuss a few things that happen because of or outside of school.

I basically feel worthless, I don't feel as if I have done anything to help anyone else, have nothing to be really proud of or feel like I contribute anything to the world. I feel as if my existence is pointless

There are some nights I can't sleep so find myself taking self-esteem tests online and trying to listen to the saddest music to make myself cry.

I find myself apologizing all the time for the littlest mistakes, repeatedly.

 Any advice to lighten up on myself? Am I thinking about too much at my age? (17) Should I wait a little longer till all those things come into play?

Thanks, Liam

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work online (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 224 636.

[Liam007]

 Hello Mrs.Dools

Nothing really interesting at school at the moment I'm afraid. I'm having kinda a rough week. You see I'm an art student and next term there is an exhibition which our works will be put into. I don't want to and I've received such a backlash from the teachers. It's really stressful, they keeping asking why and saying "it will be great" but I've made up my mind and said no.

 I'm trying to sort that out at the moment

 Liam

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

Time is flying past so quickly these days I do not know where it is going. I can't believe it is going to be June soon. I am still feeling like it should only be March.

These last few days I have been a bit preoccupied by a lack of communication in a certain situation which had me missing a very important meeting.

Thankfully I have been able to discuss this issue with people involved and the situation has defused and is all good again. In some ways relationships and friendships have grown stronger thanks to good communication and open dialogue about what went wrong.

Misunderstandings can be so destructive if not handled in a constructive manner.

Are you really sure you don't want to enter any of your art work. Your teachers may be a little annoyed as they can see it as a great opportunity for you and others to show what they are capable of.

It is rarely too  late to change your mind about a decision.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools 

[Liam007]

Hey Mrs.Dools, I'm pretty sure about the art show. I'm feeling really bad about the idea and my psychologist suggested I do not participate if it is going to fuel my anxiety and depression.

I have a bit going on at the moment so I'll post back later

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

Sounds like you are in a rough spot right now!

I hope you have something to look forward to over the weekend.

Our Church is having a fun raiser so I will help with that for a while. I have quite a laugh with some of the people at Church so enjoy my time there.

I hope to do some baking as well as we have friends coming over on Sunday.

Saturday night we are going bowling with friends who have two young children so I am really looking forward to being with them.

If the sun is shining, I will let the chooks out into the garden as well. The darn things like to hide under the bushes when it is time to go back into their yard! Ha. Ha.

One of the chooks and I were doing a merry little dance around the apple tree the other day and then she went to hide in  a huge daisy bush!

My actions would have looked hilarious if someone was watching us!

All the best to you Liam, from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

Just dropping by to say "hello" and hoping you are doing okay.

Thinking of you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Liam007]

Hey Mrs.Dools, not to good at the moment.

 I got my ATAR guesstimate.....its not great....but it's not terrible either. I'm an incredibly average student

 There were jokes about a petition to try and pressure me to go formal and graduation assembly. It wasn't funny at all

I'm just kinda miserable...I do so much wrong and dislike myself 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

It seems to me that is someone has even joked about making up a petition about trying to get you to the formal, then people must be thinking about you and caring about you!

So you still have half a year of schooling for this year?

Do you want to stay as an average student or try to make the most of this opportunity you have and increase your score?

The end of the year isn't here yet, you still have months to go before the formal. Do you want to allow that event to capture every possible happy thought you might have between now and then or do you think you might be able to put your energy into something else?

You will have holidays again soon, end of June or when ever.

Can you make plans to do something excellent in the holidays and look forward to that?

The whole world is out there Liam. Try and grab a bit of it for yourself.

From Mrs. Dools

[TrueBlueMan]

G'day mate!

I feel for you. I had the same feeling of worthlessness when I was in year 9/10 top of my classes in maths and physics.

I had a rough time at home (with my dad getting ill and the pressure it put on our family), which affected my confidence at school, and more so my attentiveness.

I went from the top of my classes, weeks (literally) ahead to near on failing. I was bullied and made to feel out of the norm because I was far smarter than my classmates.

This lasted till I (just) finished year 12. I went for aptitude testing for the military and they put me in the top 2% of the country (amongst the engineers and chemists), but my scores did not reflect from high school.

They saw promise in me, for who I really was. Unfortunately I didn't follow through, not for lack of willingness and confidence, but because my old man was on his death bed by this stage.

My point being is that don't worry about what people think of you. What do they really care in the long run? It's not their life... They're just trying to justify their poor work and make themselves bigger and better than think they are.

Liam, you are young, and have much to live for. If this course is bumming you out (for now), ditch it! You can come back to it later, once you have refocused. It's not the be all, end all! If you don't think it's worth the pain, you're not a lesser man for exercising your right to leave.

Lionel 30 Adelaide

[Doolhof]

Hi Lionel,

Thanks for adding to this thread. I'm a little curious to find out where your life has lead you?

I'm sorry to read about your Dad. That must have been a tough experience for the whole family to go through.

I like your point about not worrying about what people think of you. It is an important truth to carry through life.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

[heyyouthere]

Hey Liam,

From past experience I could relate to pretty much everything you had mentioned. I'm a female in my 20's. In highschool I was always the quiet girl that sat towards the end of the classroom, had minimal friends and felt extremely insecure of my appearance and how i was perceived by others. Unfortunately due to other factors i was unable to finish my schooling.

Pretty much i had to come to the realization that things aren't going to change over night. I have always been extremely critical of myself intellectually, appearance wise and in social situations. Because i had such high expectations of myself, I was always left extremely frustrated, disappointed and unhappy with myself. I also came to the realization that the high expectations I placed upon myself were most likely due to my obsession with society's expectations and standards. I just wanted to be and look like everyone else!!

Liam, you deciding not to follow the crowd (drinking alcohol etcetera) doesn't define you and doesn't make you any less of a person!! If anything it makes you a stronger person!!

Don't be ashamed to be yourself and pretending to be someone you're not!