Hate myself

[Rubzey]

Not really sure where to start... I suffer from anxiety and tomorrow is the first day back at uni. Part of me is excited but the anxiety side knows tomorrow when I get up there's going to be aong list of battles to fight before I even get to class. I hate my body. Deciding what to wear has already got me panicked. having to walk by myself to the bus and then face all the people looking at me on my way to uni means by the time I get to uni a good half hour is going to be spent calming myself down in the toilets. I'll go into class sweaty palmed but no one will know I'm a nervous wreck. No one will know the up hill battle I've dragged myself through just to get to class. I cover my anxiety well and I won't let it stop me because I fear falling apart. But I wish I could get up and not have a thousand worries. If only each day was as simple as getting up and going.. Feeling like I need a hand to hold.

[geoff]

dear Rubzey, hello and nice for you to join the forum.

So you're back to uni, so that's a big decision, to finally achieve what you really hope for, so I wonder if this is your last year and just curious to know what you are studying for.

The clothes you have to choice from, well just wear what you feel comfortable in, there are no medals as to what anyone wears, and does anyone really care, maybe the the top end of the pecking order may, but then what are they wearing themselves.

Can you put an iphone on with ear plugs and listen to the music you love, and let the music take control, because people are always inquisitive, however I do understand and accept that you do have anxiety, so you have two challenges, uni and anxiety with the latter being the biggest hill to overcome, and your not alone with this, because even the greatest stage performers, or singers still have a fear of something going wrong, so they're nervous as well.

Take your mind away by music on the bus and just wear the clothes you feel comfortable in. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Rubzey

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

Congratulations to you for being able to attend Uni. I didn't get that far with my education!

I'm sorry to read about your anxiety! Have you been to talk to your Dr about it and how you can be helped? There is a lot of information here on this site which may help you also.

I like Geoff's suggestion of listening to music for distraction, or you could read a book on the bus.

Maybe you could get your clothes out the night before and then you will have one less thing to think about in the morning.

There must be something that you like about your body, so concentrate on that bit and maybe think about how you can enhance the bits you don't like. I hope you will find a way to appreciate just who you are.

Is there a counsellor you could chat to at Uni?

Have you ever tried affirmations? I tell myself that I am a worthwhile person, and I can work on making my day the best it can be.

Would it help if you wrote our worries down on paper the night before, then screw the paper up and throw it away. That might help to clear your mind a little.

I hope some of this helps a little . Anxiety and depression can be debilitating, but there are ways we can make our days more bearable.

I hope you get back to us and let us know how you get on. By the way, what are you studying if you don't mind me asking?

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Dear_Alex]

Dear Rubzey,

I feel like I could have written this post myself a few years ago, so I have some idea of how you are feeling. I would make sure I got to class late enough so I wouldn't have to wait for the doors to open but early enough that I would get the exact same seat every time (usually up the back). I would drive myself to uni and sit in the car for a while psyching myself up to go inside. As for the clothing, I thankfully only had to go in two days a week, so I wore the same pair of jeans and had two tops that I would wear with them and that is the only outfit I would wear. And all of this is before I was diagnosed with Anxiety.

I can't offer you any advice that hasn't already been offered or I'm sure you have heard before, but know that you are not the first to feel this way and you are not alone. I hope this helps you.

Holding your hand in spirit,
Dear Alex

[Narniakid]

Hey Rubzey, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Firstly, well done on going to uni! Some of us don't make it that far, including me, so be proud of yourself for that achievement in itself!

I agree with everyone's suggestions, and I also think you should inquire about counselling services within your university campus. I know in public high schools there is lots of support available, including special provisions and the option of being seated separately in exams to reduce anxiety, however as I've never attended university, I'm not sure what is available. I definitely would have a look into it.

Distract yourself when you're travelling to and from uni with a book or music or a magazine. Down-time is a must, particularly in schooling, so take advantage of being able to zone out and relax on the train or bus.

Remember the hotline is always willing to listen, and there are plenty of great resources here on the website if you want to know more.

Crystal

[SeanM92]

Hey there Rubzey,
Sorry to hear about your predicament.

I too do alot of study (doing a bachelor at the moment) and face the exact same problem from low self esteem of body image to fear of falling apart, except my anxiety gets to the point where it cant be hidden. Also the public transport fears are some of the worst, confined spaces, full of strangers, doesnt get more fear inducing then that.

Something that i find helps me a Incredible amount is simply just putting in some headphones as i leave the front door and i don't take them off until im about to go into class. I have music playing or listening to a stand up comedy show just loud enough that it helps block out some of the outside world noise because it helps keep you calm, if your enjoying yourself with what your hearing there is less things to draw you back into the feelings of anxiety. 

Its actually this method that i used to break my agoraphobia a few years back.

And with the clothes, aslong as your feeling comfortable then thats what matters isnt it, better then being someone who is wearing 4 tonnes of make up and the tightest little outfit to try and impress people like some of the ( what i refer to as) "cool kids" out there.

Well, Take care and i hope i helped 🙂
ps: keep in mind that your not going to be the only person that feels that way aswell, Almost everyone would, its just alot of people are good at hiding it just like you are.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rubzey,

Thanks for reaching out to BB and I'm sorry that you are struggling with anxiety so much at the moment.  Like the others, I think that you should be really proud of yourself for going to uni.  Dealing with anxiety can be so difficult sometimes but I can see that you are pushing through it day by day by going to uni even if that means you have to spend time taking a breather in the toilets.

One of the things that I would love to add is trying to learn some new techniques for dealing with your anxiety. I can see that some of the others have already suggested things like music, affirmations, looking into your uni support team - have you tried any of these?  Here are some relaxation techniques from the BeyondBlue website that might be worth looking at; https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/senseability/relaxation-techniques.pdf?sfvrsn=2

One thing that really helps me is counselling and challenging negative thoughts; I know that it's easy to think that people are looking at you but that's not always the case.  One thing that I like is mindfulness - so I work on my breathing even before I even get out of the house - breathe in for 3 and out for 3.  Hopefully by starting to get into the habit of being aware of your breathing you can realise that you can do this.

It might also help to try and plan out your days; so when you know that you have to go to uni, get some outfits ready that you feel good in.  That way you can spend less time thinking about outfits because you already know what you feel good in.

Good luck and I hope you feel comfortable talking to someone soon. 🙂

[Lori]

Hi Rubzey,

Well done for reaching out and an even bigger WELL DONE for going back to Uni, how exciting. I myself know and understand how daunting it is going to Uni and especially having to face it all on your own. But you definitely should not hate yourself over it. 

Be comfortable in the skin your in, try not to worry or stress about others opinions whether its about the clothes your in or any other reasons. Dress in what ever you want as long as you feel comfortable and are happy, don't be ashamed of anything be yourself. 

when you wake up in the morning try not to think about everything your going to do, just go along with everything as the day goes on. I would suggest that you focus on your breathing when you wake up take 10 (or more) deep breaths, to help you relax, maybe look at some relaxation skills you could do to calm yourself down when your anxiety is playing up and maybe you could practice them when your on public transport or walking to class.

Your doing so well and it's going to get easier if you keep challenging your anxiety,  you will get there! Stay strong and all the best with Uni 🙂

-Lori  

[Rubzey]

Wow! Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and support! I was recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder and my doctor has put me on medication and I have had two sessions with the councilor at uni and I'm working on getting the courage up to get an equity plan in place. I survived the first day back! Some of you asked what I'm studying, I'm doing a double major in Indigenous studies and theatre and drama then my masters in secondary teaching. I'm only first year so a long way to go but I love it and will take on board all your wonderful advice and keep working at my battle. Yes, I agree music is a very powerful thing! Without it I don't think I would be able to leave the house.. Thanks again for all the support it has made me realize some people do care and are fighting similar battles. X

[geoff]

dear Rubzey, and please we want to keep on eye on you. Geoff.