Grief about getting older... is this normal??

[zoltron]

Hi, I'm Zoe and I'm relatively new to these forums, I've never even posted my own thread! I just had a question about this kind of sadness or grief that I've been feeling for a while. I'll be turning 18 this coming July (I'm in year 12) and I just feel so sick and anxious about the transition from adolescence to almost adulthood. My main feelings are around being an adult and having to do all of the adult things and having more responsibilities. Next year I could be going to uni/tafe, I've already got a job at an art store (it's so amazing, I love it and everyone is so lovely!!). I just get so overwhelmed and anxious thinking about all of the responsibilities and expectations around becoming an adult. I feel like after school there is still so much expectation for further education and deciding on your career pretty quickly. I also feel like there is so much expectation for people to get married, settle down and have kids pretty quick too. I don't know if anyone else has feelings like this, it's probably really silly. Every year before and during my birthday I know I should be excited, but I feel really sad and wish I could just skip it. I feel physically sick trying to write this and express how I feel about it. I don't want to get older!! Argh! I hope this makes sense, thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to read this and reply, I really appreciate it xx

[Sonno]

Hi Zoe. I'm 69 and have lived a pretty full life. I've chased my dreams, some fulfilled, some dashed to pieces. The thing is, life keeps going on and keeps CHANGING, whatever our age. It's human nature to be a bit scared of the future unknowns but we all have to take up the challenges as they arise. Best not to concern ourselves with other people's expectations of us - marriage, settling down, kids, career etc. We deal with this stuff as life unfolds and evolves. Just be true to yourself and how you REALLY FEEL about things. We must plan for the future and hope things go our way but to paraphrase John Lennon - Life just happens though we may have made other plans. No point worrying about getting older because there's nothing you can do about that. Be GRATEFUL for the thing you do have in your life. We all take so much for granted and only realize it when we lose something. Try to get the best out of EACH day, not fear the future or dwell on the past. As they say, " Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery ". Zoe, you are young and have a lot of living to do. Make the most of it and may lots of GOOD LUCK come your way.

[Croix]

Dear Zoltron~

You have scored some pretty excellent advice here and as Quirky says I think you are already starting to be a leader. Following your aptitudes and interests in your choice of job - and the fact it's working out - is an example. A lot of the time it is not so much taking charge of life as dealing sensibly with the things life offers us (both good and bad).

If your parents had a messy divorce it is not really surprising you wonder and worry about getting married. It shows you very clearly how things can go wrong. My parents made all sorts of mistakes (including divorce) and while it made me question their ability to see beyond themselves I learned a lot from it and have tried to not make those same mistakes myself.

It has actually been helpful in a back-to-front sort of way. I've ended up with a pretty clear guide as what NOT to do. For instance I really try not to say anything that is too harsh or cannot be taken back to the people I love even if I get very cross.

You are right that TAFE or Uni is a big thing. Going straight from school suits many as they are in the 'study' mode and can switch over, plus many have parents to support them. For others they need to see other things first, then some may come back and study more. I think your idea of following your interests in art is wise. There is an awful lot of sitting and listening or reading, and if you are not interested in the subjects for their own sake it can become a very long grind.

I hope you do get the chance to talk to your dad.

Croix

[zoltron]

Hi Quirky! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words! I'm still really struggling, but everyone's support has been great. Hopefully I can spend more time on the forums, I've got lots of questions and things I'd like to write/ask about.

Zoltron x

[zoltron]

Hello Sonno, thank you so much for all those lovely, encouraging words! Thanks also for your unique perspective, I've never really thought about it that way!

Zoltron x

[zoltron]

Hi Croix! I'm so sorry I haven't been on the forums for a while, school and life has been so hectic lately!

Thanks for your perspective on turning experiences into lessons. Throughout the past few years I've been doing that quite a bit. When I found out about the terms and stuff around my parents divorce I felt really angry and upset that something like that would happen (sorry this is so vague, I don't feel comfortable sharing the details of this on the forums yet!) and it taught me to never allow myself treated in that way etc. I was quite angry for a few months (this all happened in January) and it kind of died down a bit, I came to a point of peace and acceptance I think. I did have a chat with my dad and it was a complete fail! He spent the entire time being angry at him for not telling him about what was up for so long (I hadn't really spoken to him since January), denial of the whole thing and putting the blame on other people. I've returned to feeling really angry and upset with him. He has already asked me when I'll be ready to chat to him again and spend time with him as if everything is ok?! ARGH!! Sorry to vent on such a diverted topic, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this or anything else I'm going through at the moment.

So thank you Coix, you've been so kind and supportive! zoltron x

[Croix]

Dear Zoe/Zoltron (not sure which you prefer, sing out)~

Your dad sounds a right pain ATM, and that trick of blaming others is common, as is ignoring the problem and wanting to talk again about other things. I guess by now you realize some people still have growing up to do at any age.

I think if it was me - and not too painful or made you too angry, I'd try to keep a bridge open with your father. The conversations may not be always satisfactory, but as the more mature sounding one I think you can probably deal with that. You both have futures and people do change and grow.

One of the other things is that you can look at your parents divorce and maybe wonder why it had to happen. You may well be able to see the mistakes they made that led to it and wonder why on earth they did not avoid those things and try harder. Anger at all this mess is a pretty reasonable feeling.

Sadly everyone makes their own mistakes, even if it realy affects others. Perhaps when you have a serious relationship their problems may become a chart to steer by as I have had. One thing I do is have an agreement with my partner never to say anything too hurtful, or that can't be taken back - no matter what the circumstances.

I hope the art store and all is going well

Nice to hear from you

Croix