forever alone

sparkle11 · ‎15-09-2016

it doesn't matter what i do, how much effort i put in my appearance or go out clubbing every week. i can never seem to get any guys and i haven't even had my first boyfriend yet and I'm turning 21 next month. its very upsetting tome because it makes me feel unlovable. can anyone relate?

Zeal · ‎16-09-2016

Hi Sparkle,

Welcome to the forum!

You are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21, and that relationship lasted only about 3 months. I didn't feel comfortable and I decided that it would be best for us to be friends. We aren't actually friends now, but we still parted on good terms.

I was very shy up until about 19 or so. I never put myself out there socially, as I had low self-esteem throughout my teens. Last year, when I was 22, I joined a new group of friends. I had few friends at that time, so my best and oldest friend invited me to a friend's NYE party. The people at this party were who my best friend was spending time with, as they are her (now-ex) boyfriend's group of friends.

My friend included me in plans with this new group of people. Several months later, me and the guy who hosted the party started dating. He is now my boyfriend of almost 1.5 years. I never expected to start a relationship with someone in the group, but as I spent time with him, we realised we got along really well. I honestly never thought I'd meet a guy I feel so happy and comfortable around, but I did 🙂

Don't lose hope. You could meet someone great when you least expect it!

Best wishes,

SM

White_Rose · ‎16-09-2016

Dear Sparkle

Hello and welcome. I'm glad you found your way here. Here you can safely 'talk' to others who have similar experiences to yours.

I notice you say you go clubbing and take care over your personal appearance. It's certainly not good to look as though you have not combed your hair for a week. Do you go anywhere else for entertainment? Do you take part in sports clubs, have a passion for doing things like mountain climbing? Before you think me silly let me explain. I think just about everyone would like a life partner so you are no different in that.

Sometimes we get so anxious to go somewhere, do something, meet someone that it takes over our lives and we cannot see the wood for the trees. We can easily project that anxiety when we are talking with people and it is often off-putting. However, when we are involved and absorbed in doing something we really enjoy we give off different messages.

One of these messages is "I am worthwhile talking to because I am an interesting person". Or "I Can stand on my own two feet and do not rely on others to make my life good". These qualities are attractive to other people. So instead of looking for someone to make you happy, try making yourself happy. The suggestions above are to get you thinking in a different way about how you spend your time when you are not working.

My suggestion is that you fill your life doing those things that you enjoy which may include clubbing but also other options. Think about yourself and your lifestyle. When you are happy with yourself you will find other people are attracted to you. What do your friends do, apart from clubbing? Have you ever thought of trying an activity but been a bit nervous about it? Have a go. Write in again.

Mary

Doolhof · ‎16-09-2016

Hi Sparkle,

Welcome to the community here.

Your post has me thinking, it would be curious to know where people have met their partners. I met my first husband while I was working in a shop.

I met my now husband through friends.

As Mary has mentioned, there are plenty of places where you can meet people besides while clubbing.

One girlfriend met her now fiancé at a restaurant when they happened to bang chairs together accidently. He was sitting at a table behind her.

Also as Mary mentioned, people look for different things in a person. If you go clubbing to meet people, what kind of a person do you hope to end up with? With all that music, gyrating on the dance floor, alcohol influences, maybe lust, feelings of needing to be with someone, I wonder whom you might meet.

Maybe I am just too old and have the wrong attitude. Clubbing might be a great place to meet someone. Just don't be in a hurry to hook up with a guy who wants everything on the first night.

Cheers to you from an old fashioned Mrs. Dools

sparkle11 · ‎16-09-2016

hi white rose

i do have other hobbies but i feel like since so may people go clubbing its hard to meet boys unless you go to pubs or clubs.

Doolhof · ‎20-09-2016

Hi Sparkle,

How was your weekend? Did you go out clubbing? When you go out, do you go by yourself or with friends?

Can you think of other places where you might be able to meet up with guys?

It has been so long since I have had that dilemma. I wouldn't know where to start if I was out looking for someone else!