Finding my own footing is hurting my friend?

[Elking]

My friend and I have a ten year relationship that has fluctuated and grown between dating, friends, platonic life partners.
Through a lot of this I have been a very socially anxious person who has had trouble connecting with others in a meaningful way, and a lot of my other friendships were facilitated by their extroverted companionship and encouragement.

 They've dated other people in this time, which never bothered me or impacted on the strength of our friendship.
Last year, while my life was spent between online time and with this friend, I came to recognise how much I was leaning on them and how reliant I had become on them without letting anyone else in- lamenting on the other relationships they were capable of forming.
So I challenged myself to work on this. I'm honestly doing really well, I think- it's hard and scary but my world seems so much broader for these steps.

I met someone during this- a romantic partner who I came to love very quickly, in a polyamorous relationship.

But that is another adventure.
This one is about the downward spiral that my long-time friend has fallen into. They've expressed feelings of intruding no matter how much we try to include them and I focus time between just the two of us too. They also express a lot of guilt and self-loathing that derails any conversation about life from a bigger perspective.

They very much want to be a part of my life (and I in theirs), but they close off at any sign of change. They're unhappy now, unhappy about future ideas, unhappy about expressing what they want/ say they do not know what they want.
I know they spend a lot of energy and effort in tackling their negative feelings towards themself, and I bear no resentment or judgement on this process.
But it impacts all of us, all the same. I want to be supportive without pushing them, or pushing my own agenda on them.
At the same time, I can't give up my own progress to create the comfort zone we just came from.

I'm lost for ideas but I understand I can't force them into finding professional help.
Are there other ideas on what to suggest, or a new way to approach this?

I love both my romantic partner and my platonic partner so much- but it feels like anything I do that isn't avoiding change/the future/ etc is twisting my friend's arm or dragging them along.

I feel so exhausted, hurt and empty handed- would love to hear from anyone's thoughts!

[Kitty_Kat]

Hi Elking,

Wow, sounds as though you're in quite the situation! But I can relate to this so much, so hopefully my experiences can help you in some way.

So my best friend and I are inseparable and we have been for years, like you and your friend. Once I found a romantic partner it became harder to even out the field. It resulted to my friend thinking I cared about my romantic partner more than them, and they felt alone and that they had lost me. 

But, in reality you are going to feel a different love for your romantic partner than your friend, but you can still love them equally. 

In regards to your friend feeling negative about your future and struggling with change, that was exactly what my friend was like. But you know what got them through it? me! being my best friend's best friend, I had a duty. so I suggest you do the same. talk to them and say, you are my best friend and I love you, and we are going to get through this. ask them what they are struggling with, and if you don't know what to say you could always come back to beyond blue for advice! suggest for them to try out beyond blue even! there may be things they need to get off their chest about you or something that involves you they are sad about so be prepared to hear things that may make you feel bad, but the fact that they would tell you is a good sign because it means you are honest with each other and you will both find a way over it if you both truly care about your friendship.

Sorry for a bit of a rant, but I guess I really understand the situation and want to help.

Best Wishes!

Love Kitty xxx