Finding everything hard to deal with:(

[lilbuggy]

Hi, i'm new here!

I just needed to get some advice about some recent issues that have gotten worse. Ive dealt with emotional, verbal & physical abuse from my mum, which is not happening anymore and I'm safe, but over the 5 years of dealing with that (it started around about the age of 7, I'm now 12) mental health became a struggle for me, as I was dealing with depression-like symptoms, and panic attacks. When I went to a doctor to get referred to a psychologist, I found talking about my anxiety easy, but for some reason just couldn't talk about my depression. I got referred for anxiety & panic disorder, and over that 8 weeks I've talked about that, and my psychologist has also mentioned PTSD as a possible illness.

My problem here is that I'm too scared to talk about mental health to adults. For some reason I just cant seem to talk about my symptoms, including thoughts of harming myself which I have never acted upon and never will, As my dad lost his son to suicide, and I just couldn't do that to him. I'm also extremely insecure about my body and looks, and recently I had someone non directly say they didn't know anyone who weighed 50kg, as that was very fat. I'm 5'4 and weigh 55kg, from also previously being a swimmer. I kind of hit the peak of my sadness, & was so effected by this small comment and cried and cried and was shaking for about an hour. Ive been holding in those tears for about a month as my depression symptoms started to arise again, now I'm just numb and need some advice on what to do. My school offers counselling services so I was going to try and go to that maybe in a few days when I'm feeling (hopefully) a bit better. I'm just struggling to cope with all of this stuff happening in my brain, I cant take anything like medication as I'm too scared to even talk about depression, and meditation or my usual techniques aren't helping. Sometimes my head feels like it's going to explode from thinking too much, but thats more of a stress thing.

Life just isn't very easy for me right now and I just feel like the whole world is against me. I'm not going to harm myself or do anything bad- just clearing that up again. Please help me!!
- Lily ❤️

[startingnew]

hello and welcome

youve got alot going on for someone so young. i definently think speaking to your school counsellor would be a good idea. you really do need support. also have you heard of Kidshelpline? they offer weekly counselling sessions as well with the same counsellor.

maybe before you speak to the school counsellor you could write down what is bothering you and how it is affecting you including your depression.

have you got someone you trust to talk to like a teacher, family member, or someone else? the more support and understanding you have the better. please keep reaching out, your not alone. i hope your able to get into your supports soon. hugs xoxo

[Ell43]

Hey Lily,

Wow I agree with StartingNew’s comment, it does sound like you have a lot going on! I think you were really brave and also very mature to take yourself to the doctor and then see a psychologist for your anxiety and panic disorder symptoms. You have already taken some really great steps in trying to help yourself, I feel like you should be a little bit proud of yourself for being that proactive.

It also sounds like you have had some good ideas on other ways to help yourself too, like seeing the school counsellor. I also agree with StartingNew on that point as well, that does sound like a good idea. But it can be really hard to talk about the things that are the most upsetting to us and the things we are most afraid of. Maybe if you go to see the counsellor you could talk about feeling “sad” or “down” to begin with. If it is talking about depression that you find really tricky, maybe try and let yourself ease into it? Let your counsellor get to know you a little bit first in the initial session, and see if that makes you a little more inclined to open up to them?
I also like the idea of writing things down too. Maybe you would feel more comfortable writing about your depression and sending that into the counsellor before your appointment, so they know how tricky it might be for you to start opening up.

I’m sorry to hear that the meditation you usually try hasn’t been working recently. I wonder, have you tried any guided meditation? That might be a bit easier if your head is full of all other sorts of thoughts and feelings. I know the “smiling mind” app is really helpful for me. It is based around the concept of mindfulness. Maybe that might be something worth looking into?

I know it seems like a silly cliché thing to say, but try to not be too hard on yourself Lily! You are doing the best you can at the moment, and it really does sound like you have been really proactive about your mental health so far. Don’t stop!!

Ell 😃

[baet123]

Hey Lily,

Welcome to the forums and great to have you here! Feel free to post as much or as little as you like!!!

I think you are really brave for sharing your story/situation with us and I commend you. I am 25 and I remember being your age and how the world has changed since then. Being young at the present time brings a lot of challenges that I never went through and the generations before mine. I suffered from severe depression and social anxiety for years and can relate to what your going through.

It is great that you are seeing someone. I started feeling better when I began seeing health professionals and I too struggled with opening up about certain things. However, when I found a health professional (my psychiatrist) that I was extremely comfortable with and clicked with them and felt that they "actually" cared this was huge for me personally and was a crucial step for my journey of improving my mental health. Although this took quite a while to find a professional who I clicked with, this is really important and you might feel the same and it might be easier to open up to an adult professional with whom you click with 🙂

Both Startingnew and Ell above have made some good points and I won't repeat any of what they said but stay positive and for me it took time to find a health professional I was confident enough with to speak about my problems.

Try and stay as positive as possible and know that we are here to support you and listen to what you have to say. Wish you all the best and it will get better! Look forward to hearing from you again and stay strong!

Baet123

[lilbuggy]

Thank you !!

Kids helpline is something i am very aware of, but in situations where i have to actually talk to someone i just clam up and get very anxious.

Recently i've been writing something kind of like a mental health journal, just so i could fully understand what i was going on, and that definitely helped, so thank you. I saw the counsellor yesterday and she was very nice and welcoming, and really helped me come out of my shell.

I also had a talk to one of my best friends who was actually really upset and gave me a massive hug, and is checking up on me whenever she sees i'm not okay.

❤️ ❤️

[lilbuggy]

Thank you Ell!

I really appreciate you saying that i should be proud of myself for taking steps to help myself, it kind of pushed me to keep going!

I'm currently keeping a mental health journal which i showed the counsellor and the session kind of went from there- she was really supportive and actually told me to visit beyondblue, which i laughed at a little since thats the reason i went to see her in the first place!!

With the meditation, i recently started listening to podcasts that should help with anxiety & mental health, and they've been helping a little, but its music thats really worked for me recently so i'm still trying to find ways to deal. I also downloaded smiling mind and they're really great, so thank you for that suggestion:)

❤️

[Ell43]

Hey Lily,

Yay!! I am SO glad to read your reply and see that you've seen the counsellor and it went relatively well! I'm also THRILLED that you felt my comment was helpful. I truly mean it though, you should be really proud of all you are doing. You are acting in a way that is much more mature and proactive than people would expect from a 12 year old. I'm proud of you!

Fantastic that you found listening to music has been helpful. You are not alone there, I think music helps a lot of people. If you find auditory things like music and podcasts are the most helpful thing for you, then definitely run with that. Some people like traditional meditation techniques, others prefer visualisation and others like auditory. It's all about finding what works with you and doing that!! How cool that you are working out what works for you at such a young age!

Please let us know if there is anything else that you want to chat about.
Lots of people in here always willing to help xx

[startingnew]

Great to hear from you again 🙂 im glad youve got some supports now and are going a little better.

i totally get feeling anxious when talking to others, khl also has webchat so you dont have to physically talk if that works better for you

[therising]

Hi lilbuggy

Everyone here has had some great advice and guidance to give to you and I'm glad things are looking a little brighter. If only everyone in the world was this conscious and caring, hey!

I can remember when I was your age and was self-conscious about my appearance. I was on the cuddly side, as far as weight goes, whereas my sister was on the super slim side. We had a thoughtless uncle who used to refer to us as 'fatty and skinny'. Boy, how I resented that man. I now have a 13 yo son and a 16 yo daughter. Believe it or not, my son has issues in relation to him being super slim as he does cop a bit of grief at school for it. I teach my kids that what's important is not size or appearance, it's about well-being (both physical and mental).

12 is a super tough age lilbuggy. It's a time where we typically begin creating our own individual sense of identity. Finding the best guidance becomes key in such a process. For me, my depression came about due to a lack of knowledge and skill in my creation process. Now that I have left those years of depression behind me, I teach my kids as many skills as I can when it comes to being the best version of themselves (not who I or society wants them to be). Our foundations are important when it comes to building a sense of self, so it's good that you have mental health professionals now working on replacing those foundations (set by your mum and perhaps others), so you can begin building on more solid and positive foundations without a number of faults running through them. I have always said to my kids that if they felt my help was not enough in life, I would help them find the right person to talk to (like with what you've done, in speaking with a psychologist).

If there is one piece of advice I could give you on your quest to find the most authentic version of yourself it is 'Always seek to develop life skills that will serve you well. Never stop learning'. lilbuggy, you are amazing and brilliant in the way you have now set out on a path of skill development. You display a maturity beyond your years. Take pride in your actions and in who you are. Through your example, you become not only a guiding light to others but a teacher as well.

Take care of yourself as you bravely set out on your quest to find the truth, a truth that defines you as being truly beautiful