Feeling lonely

[Ava1]

Hi. I just joined so don't really know how this works...

But I joined this because I need to tell someone about how I feel and thought this could be a good way.. Ok here we go:

I moved to Australia about one year ago with my cousin and my friend( Jenny) to study.

During this year I noticed there is alot of things I don't like about Jenny. Her personality changed when I lived with here. She is very negative and acting really spoiled. Therfore I avoid hanging out with here as much as I can.

1 month ago my cousin moved back home since she was done with her studies. Now I live with my boyfriend (who I met when I moved here) and Jenny. I love my boyfriend and love spending time with him, but most of my day I spend at uni with Jenny and it takes alot of energy from me.

I also have trouble getting new friends which is a big problem for me. After my cousin (and best friend) moved back home I've been feeling very lonely. Most of my dayes I spend in my own little bubble of thoughts. Lately I've been building up some anger during the day for no reason at all and I take it out on my boyfriend when I get home. Nothing bad but I'm just being in a really bad mood and don't want to talk to him. And he don't know why I'm so angry and I can't explain why I am because I don't know. Then I feel really guilty and sad and end up silently crying myself to sleep. I know I should get out there and make an effort to find new people to become friends with but I just don't feel like going out trying. I just want to stay at home and watch TV shows and spend time with my boyfriend.

So basically I'm feeling very sad and lonely at the moment and get angry for no reason at all. I felt the same thing back in 2012 and I don't want to fall back to where I was then...

Sorry for this long post.. I just needed to get it out somewhere and I'm not quit ready to talk about this to anyone I know.

Ava

[james1]

Hi Ava,

First of all welcome to these forums (and to Australia!!) and thank you for having the courage to post here. It can be really difficult for us to talk about things which are so close to our heart, so you've done really well to make this first post. We are very friendly here and we are all supportive of each other.

It sounds like you're really struggling to find your feet in a new country. I have a friend who also struggled for more than a year when she came over, so I understand how difficult this can be especially if you have very few friends here.

Have you been able to talk to your boyfriend about your worries about being lonely? I know it can be difficult sometimes to show something we feel guilty about, but I am sure he would want to know how you are feeling and will support you. It is very difficult to face these things alone and I really encourage you to be open and honest with your boyfriend. Put it this way: if he was really sad and lonely, you would want to help him too. And he feels the same for you.

Is there any way you can talk to Jenny about how you feel when you're around her? It can be very difficult talking to our friends like that, but sometimes if their behaviour hurts us, we need to let them know. It is better to risk losing a bad friendship than suffer in silence. You can even talk to your boyfriend and see if he can talk you through these worries.

From what you've said, it sounds like this isn't the first time. Can I ask how you got out of this position last time? I've been through depression a few times and, even though each time is just as bad as before, I can at least hold onto the thought that "I've been here before, and I got out of this hole last time."

I hope you feel comfortable replying here again. It'd be wonderful to hear from you.

James

[Ava1]

Hi James,

Thank you for your warm welcome and for answering my post. Really appreciate that!

I haven't talked to my boyfriend about how I feel. Some days I wake up and I feel really stupid for even being sad the night before because I don't feel there is a reason for it, and I'm afraid he will think I'm only seeking attention. The worst part is that I'm pretty sure he wouldn't think that, but I just have this fear of losing him. Right now he is all I got and that is very scary.

I am also to scared to talk to Jenny about how she makes me feel because even though it is stressful being around here she is the only friend I have in this country at the moment. I agree with you that it's probably better to lose a bad friendship than suffer in silence, but right now I don't think I can afford losing anyone.

Last time I had this feeling of loneliness I got out of it because a lot of changes happened in my life. I moved to Australia to take one semester abroad and it was like being on a holiday for 6 months! I really loved it and met alot of new nice people. So I find it very hard being back here and not being able to enjoy it like last time. A lot of the people I met last time were international students so they are no longer here.

I know I would feel less lonely if I could find just one friend I could talk to and hang out with, but that's easier said than done!

Ava

[james1]

Hey Ava,

That sounds really tough, like you're a bit trapped in your situation.

Let me tell you a quick story about my friend who, I hope, won't mind me sharing the story to help you.

My friend came here to study and had extended family here. But she really struggled because she felt homesick, couldn't make friends, and the only friend she made became a fairly difficult romantic partner. She wanted to get out of that relationship, but couldn't because she was afraid of losing her only friend. This lasted just under two years. Eventually, she knew she couldn't keep doing that and started to join groups at university just to meet people, even though going outside was the last thing she wanted to do. And it worked - she met friends, found the confidence to leave her toxic relationship/friendship, and 4 years on, she is one of the most interesting and happy people I know.

I know you said that you don't want to try making friends, but I really encourage you to give it a go. It won't be easy and you won't click with everyone, but it's better than falling back to where you were in 2012. Like you said, a lot of changes happened last time, and that got you out. Listening to your story, I'm confident that you can make those changes yourself this time, and try to meet new people.

How does starting small sound? You don't need to be going and joining big groups and meeting heaps of people. Sometimes, I like having a chat to the people who serve me when I buy my groceries and trying to make their shift go just a little bit faster. Small things like that can give us a little boost of energy.

James

[Ava1]

Thanks for sharing that story James! It is nice to hear about someone who has been in a similar situation and got out of it.

I've joined a sports group 5 months ago with my cousin. There is alot of nice people there but everyone already have group of friends there and I end up standing just a little bit behind everyone else because I don't want to intrude. I didn't think about this when my cousin was here because then I had someone next to me but now it all feels very different. It feels harder to be alone when im in a room with a lot of people than when im just by my self. In a group I can actually see that I'm a bit on the outside if you understand what I mean..

Last week a bunch of them were going out to dinner and everyone was welcome so I thought I should go. My boyfriend drove me to the restaurant but when we got there I couldn't get out of the car. This really irritates me. I don't like being coward.

I really like your idea of staring small and talking to people in the shops. Maybe if I improve my small talk then I'll find it easier to talk to new people I meet at uni and at practice.

Ava

[james1]

Hi Ava,

Can you maybe go with your boyfriend and let him know that you're struggling a bit, and ask him to try and help you get into conversations with people? I used to do that with my ex who also wasn't very good at certain social situations.

I'm glad you liked the idea. I think it really helps just to build our confidence little by little. And don't forget that not every person will want to talk, but that's their problem and not yours!

Let us know how you go. Do you have uni today? How many days do you go?

James

[Ava1]

Hi James!

Today my boyfriend and I went the a shopping center because he needed something there. When he got what he came there for he said we had to go back home because he had some other stuff he has to do at home. I got a upset and feeling down when we came home without really understanding why. Then suddenly I realised that I got sad because that trip was the highlight of my day, and as soon it was over I had nothing else to look forward to that day. That was a scary realisation.

Therfore I decided to make a list of things I want to do but are a little to scared to do. Then I will do my very best to do at least one of this things over the weekend. Whish me luck!

yes I have uni everyday except Thursdays!

Ava

[Ava1]

Hi James

Yesterday I went to a shopping centre with my boyfriend because he needed something there. When he got what he came for, he said we had to go back home because he had some stuff he needed to do at home. I got a bit upset about this but I couldn't quite understand why.

When we got home I suddenly realised why I got sad. Going to the shopping centre with him was the highlight of my day and now that we had done that I had nothing else to look forward to. I guess I had hoped we could stay there for a bit longer, maybe have somethingto eat or something.

(I often get very disappointed when plans changes or things don't go the way I expected)

Yesterday after the trip I decided to go out jogging, I haven't done that since my cousin left. It felt really good, but it also made me miss her alot. (we used to go jogging together)

I will ask my boyfriend if he will come with me jogging next time so I have some company.

We also had some coffee this morning but I couldn't come up with anything to say to the coffee peopel. My boyfriend is really good at small talk so I'm trying to liste to what kind of stuff he says, but usually he says really funny and unexpected things! Haha I guess I just have to find my own things to say.

Yes I have uni every day except Thursdays!

Ava

[Ava1]

Sorry, didn't realise my first post got through!

[james1]

Hey ava

I'm glad you've tried to keep yourself busy. Here's a pat on the back for giving running a go and going to the shopping centre. It's the small things that matter!

I think it could be helpful to talk to your boyfriend about how you were sad about leaving. It sounds like he's very supportive which is great.

In terms of small talk, don't be afraid to just ask how people are going, when they're finishing and what their plans are afterwards. There's no harm in having a simple conversation, and sometimes short one.