Feeling like im a background character.

[liltimmytim]

Hi, I'm new to this so I don't really know what to say but ill give it a go. I'm not young but younger than many people here (I'm in high school) so I feel like this isn't really valid or anything because some people can't even get up in the morning and I'm just complaining. Recently I was admitted to the hospital for self-harm and suicidal ideation, it was probably the worst experience I've ever had as it was forced by my school and 'friends'. Although the initial experience was horrible my abusive family became more aware and my parents really tried to stop and change. I also had an 'I don't care' attitude about everything afterward and it made me do some stupid things like give myself a stick and poke tattoo, but it also made me feel like I could keep living and do anything without the constant fear of ruining everything I've tried to achieve. With all that said, in the past couple days I've been feeling down and I've had a lot of time to think about everything and I've noticed that my friends say they're there for me always but they're really not; they only respond to me when they are bored and it's obvious they are tired of dealing with me. And I'm not going to act on this or anything so don't worry about it but I know for certain they would not care if I left and I feel like a burden to them. I've realized that I should find a new group of friends as this happens really often but I'm sick of having to switch friend groups because they don't care about me. They will get upset about something and I will comfort them like I would like to be treated but they don't open up to me; I'm pretty sure the reason for them being ignorant is the lack of a firm connection but I can't force them to open up nevertheless a friendship cannot progress if its all one way. I can't get any of my school work and my once 'close' aspirations and dreams feel so far away now. I've thought of most of the possible solutions so I've come here for help. Sorry if it's long, thank you for reading if you made it this far.

[Aaronsis]

Hi liltimmytim

I am so please that you have found your way here, and have shared your story and your feelings, it is not easy to post for the first time, let alone when you don't know what to expect, so well done for reaching out for some support and some comfort here.

You mention that you as you are younger your issues are not really valid, you could not be further from the truth. You are so valid and in fact if you can get some help and guidance and support while you are younger, boy it makes for a fuller life, you have managed the feelings and emotions when you were young and not let them develop into bigger uglier things in your adult life. I am really proud of you for seeking some support.

I am so very sorry that you have been feeling so very bad in the past that it lead you to self harm and to suicide ideation, the pain that you must be going through to feel the need to release it like that horrific. I am also saddened to hear that your family are abusive to you, has this improved since your hospital stay or is life back to "normal"? Don't feel you have to answer that, only if you feel comfortable but I just want to ensure you are not only safe from yourself, you said you are, but safe from your family too.

Being young these days is so much pressure and so different from my school days. There is pressure to know what you want to do, to do well in school, technology has changed everything from the way we connect, or lack there of and the way friendships are formed and maintained. I am so sorry you are struggling with making some real connections with friends and that you feel like you are on a rotation of people trying to find your "crew". Please don't lose the will to try though, it does take time to find our people and the thing is that school is tough and everyone, I believe is also struggling to fit in and be accepted, which leads to them not truly making connections either, or being true to themselves.

I feel like I am waffling here but I think you get my point. You will find your people, do not give up hope. It just may be outside of school or through a hobby or interest that you do. I think if you can focus on some things that make you feel good, give you joy and try to regain focus at school, make a happy version of you, you will find your people.

Hope to chat to you some more

Hugs

Sarah

[Emmen]

Dear liltimmytim,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. But I'm glad you've opened up on this forum.

I hope you've stopped self-harming and feeling suicidal. You've got a whole life ahead of you, and once you've learnt to manage your condition, it'll get easier.

We've all made decisions that we later regret, and your tattoo is no exception to that. Take that as a reminder of that period in your life that you don't want to repeat, and every time you feel the urge to do something, have a look at that tattoo.

Let's talk about your friends. From what you have said, it's clear that they care immensely about you. The hospital is not a place any of us want to be in, but getting you into the hospital for self harm and suicidal ideation is an act of concern. They don't want to see you harmed, and they acted in a way that would give you the best possible chance at healing. Even now, they tell you they're always there for you, and that's their way of reassuring you that you have them, always.

Now, you feel like they're only responding when they're bored and that they're tired of dealing with you. From what you said, it's more likely that they may need time to attend to their own things. As much as they care about you, they have so many other things in life to deal with - their own families, their school work, even their own hobbies etc. This does not mean that they're tired of you. It simply means that they're balancing the things they have in their own lives while caring about you.

Finding new friends is always a good idea, but it's never about dropping the friends you already have and moving on. You can never have too many friends. If you can, find an interest you have, something you're enthusiastic about. Try to connect with people with the same interests online or in person (after the covid lockdowns end). The idea here is for you to distract you from your troubles and put you in a better mental state to get your school work done, and for you reach for those dreams that you now feel are so far away.

Don't lose hope, liltimmytim.

Take care,
Emmen

[liltimmytim]

Thank you so much for the support and reassurance, I'm doing much better now. I stopped to take a break from the constant need to check if my friends have responded to me and I've preoccupied my mind and it really helped. I also go to therapy and my therapist is there for me to call. My 'abusive' family is a lot better now. I'm fine to talk about it because it's ok now. My parents grew up with their own abusive family and many deaths with that, because of this they don't understand that telling me that they've given up on me and that I'm a burden to them affects me harshly. I've stopped self-harming, and the scars are now more a reminder of my support group rather than my bad days.

Thanks again for all the support!

[Aaronsis]

Hello liltimmytim

What a wonderful post to read, I am so very happy for you that you are feeling better but mostly I feel so much joy and pride for you that you have said your need to harm yourself has stopped. I am so happy for you, this is huge and so very wonderful. Not only does it mean that you are in fact feeling better but you are thinking more clearly and also the pain is softening, which is fantastic.

Taking a break from your phone or email is a great idea too, the constant need to check and who is doing what and why have they not got back to me and all these thoughts do build up and cause panic when there is mostly a reason why they have not gotten back to you, simply, they are studying, they are working, they are sleeping or just busy doing an activity, and not about them not wanting to text you. Well done, this too is showing great signs that you are thinking more clearly.

I am glad you have your therapist and that they have extended the support to you in that you can call anytime, how wonderful, it is also really pleasing to hear that you can see that your parents have lived some trauma and this sometimes does come out as bad behaviour or even abusive, but it is very helpful to be able to understand that it mostly has nothing to do with you as a person and they too are struggling with things in their lives. I am glad you have the insight and empathy to see that they too are hurting, death is a hard thing to manage. I am sorry though that you have been told you are a burden, hopefully this was a bad choice of word in a time of stress as you are most certainly not a burden.

Great to chat to you some more liltimmytim and I am so pleased you are feeling better.

Hugs

Sarah