Feeling like a failur

[Pysis]

I'm 18 and I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm really really lonley and I just feel empty most of the time. I didn't really get to have a normal childhood frowning up and as a result I've never really had many friends. About grade 6 I lost the feeling in my fingers and toes and as a result it became really hard for me to wright when I went to high school I found it particularly hard becuase we had to copy writing off the board. Half way through year 8 I ended up levying school and started distance education where my mum scribed for me. But in year 11 I was acussed of cheating and was told I wasn't allowed to finish high school as a result and I couldn't prove that I wasn't cheating so I just had to go with it. So half way through year 11 I left distance education and started a advanced certificate in zoo keeping. But the problem I, having now is I never got to have freinds my own age and I feel like a failur becuase I never finished high school. My father never finished school and I really don't want to end up like him he is very abusive and has cuased a lot of problems through out my life. As I said in a recent post there are a lot of other factors contributing to my depression but I don't know how to deal with any of them.

i just feel like a falular all the time and I feel like a burden on everybody I care about especially one particular friend. I really just want to get back to being me and doing things but no one seems to understand or even care.

[Valdaz]

Lets get one thing straight first. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You were in a very difficult place facing a difficult problem. I promise you are not a failure. You did not drop out, you were told you weren't allowed to finish and so you moved on you got a certificate in zoology. You didn't let that get you down and you shouldn't let the friends thing get you down. Not many people stay best friends after they finish school anyway because you make can so many more friends afterwards in different places. If you want to make new friends get out there and involved as scary as it may be. Join a local club or class whether it be knitting, cooking or drama make friends there, they don't have to be your own age. Often the people who come from different walks in life to you teach you so many things and end up being the best friends, you don't have to be the same age just have some common ground. Cut the toxic people out of your life. Be kind, be you and you will make friends. And remember you are not a failure.

[Pysis]

Wow thank you Valdaz.

I'm trying to get rid of the toxic people from my life but the main person who causes me the most grief is my father he was always very mentally abusive toward me and sometimes physicaly. I've only really got 2 freinds at the moment and for year I only had 1 freind she's 18 years older than me and I've known her since I was 12 and she's always been there but now she has a new job that takes literally all of her time and she can't be here for me when I need her the most. I'm in the CFA and I've volentered in lots of differnt organisations including riding for the disabled for 5 years but I have limited transport now and there isn't really much in my town there are only 600 people in the whole town and it's always been hard to make friends. My Intire life I haven't been accepted in this town becuase I'm not considered overly blokey and I haven't been able to play sports. I draw and I've had a few exhibitions but it's always seems no matter what I do it's never good enough for people. I've volunteered in a few zoos and I really enjoyed it I had to leave though becuase of reasons to do with the owner of the first zoo. It just feels like I'm constantly being dealt a bad hand, i try and help as many people as I can and I give a lot of my time to my comunity but I can never get the help I need when I need it. I had heaps of friends when I was at high school which was a missive shock for me becuase when I was at primary school I was really badly bullied I was strangled, kicked, spat on and made fun of. Right now I'm feeling more alone than I ever have becuase my friend isn't around anymore and I lost two of my horses to differnt health problems. I always feel stupid though becuase I know people have it so much harder than me but I just can't help feeling this way.

[Pysis]

Everything's just getting to much for me at the moment I'm so sick of being judged and told that I need to just suck it up. I'm trying my hardest to be me again and just get my life back on track but nothing's working anymore. My dads trying to be more involved in my life but the more he try's the angrier I get I don't want to be around him or even see him. I've spent most of my life in my room becuase every time I leave it I get yelled at by him it's really hard in winter becuase it's to cold to go outside most of the time in summer it's differnt becuase I live on a farm so I can get out and go for a drive around the paddocks or work in my shed or something but in winter I'm just trapped. No one seems to really understand becuase my dad is very two faced he acts like the perfect dad in public but at home he really abusive. Living in such a small town is hard becuase trying to get help is almost impossible there no one who cares here. I really do feel like a failur most of the time I just wish I had been able to live a normal life I've done a lot with my life but it always seems like somthing happens to destroy what I'm doing every time.

[Pysis]

It's days like today when I feel like a real failur when I have no one to talk to and when I see no one at all. I want to talk to my friend but she's sick of me at the moment and can't be there for me. I keep telling myself if I had of just finished school or tried a little harder I would still have more friends and I just wish things had of gone differntly. Im sacred that I'm going to find it really hard to find a job in the feild I want to go into becuase I didn't finish high school. I'm so so sick of feeling like this.