Feeling kind of alone and depressed.

[Luciana]

Hi everyone,

I'm Luchia and I actually have paid a few visits to this site before. Right now I'm 24 years old and most days I feel quite down, and as if I'm not up to par with everyone else. So a bit of background info, I used to be my mother's carer from the age of 17 to 23, she actually had her leg amputated and has a muscle disorder. In between that space of time I also worked (retail, cleaner, nanny) and studied, I re-completed my year 12 and completed two education assistant courses which have landed me in the jobs I am in now, a special needs education assistant and also a childcare assistant.

Working as an education assistant has made me realize how passionate I am about education and also reignited my passion for learning. I decided to apply for university when I was 22 and I had two choices, either a bachelor of Primary Education (four years), or a double major of Japanese and Asian Studies (three years). Ever since I was younger I've adored the Japanese culture and language and I pick up the language quite easily, the lowest so far that I've scored in a test is 92%. Once I complete this degree I would also like to complete a diploma or masters of Education, thus I would be studying for four years anyway, or five depending on which university I attend for my postgraduate degree. I would love to be able to teach in Japan and there seem to be quite a lot of opportunities to teach English there. One of my lecturers actually has done what I plan to do, studying the language first and then education, so I've felt pretty good about my chosen pathway.

However it's also quite a lonely pathway, most of my peers actually seem to be younger or much older than myself. There isn't much time for socializing during semester, but it would be nice to talk to someone outside of class occasionally. I used to go to a church and made some friends there, however two of the girls there became quite pushy with enforcing their beliefs on me, which has made it quite awkward to attend the youth catch-ups.

Last year I actually met my now boyfriend though and I thought things were looking up on the social side of life, but since I've gotten to known him more, I've actually found myself becoming less attracted to him, which is weird because I made the first move and I was so happy when I was first talking to him. My parents are saying give it more time, but I kind of see myself ending it.

So...yes I'm feeling really alone and I don't see and end in sight to this.

[Luciana]

As I couldn't quite fit everything in with my first post, this is just a continuation.

I felt some more explanation was needed for my relationship. We do get on really well, I enjoy talking to him, we can talk about pretty much anything and he studies Japanese as well, so he understands my love for the language. Initially I started to pull back, and then more so when I found out he quit his job only because he found it boring, since then he hasn't seemed interested in finding a new one and is living off his savings. I understand he is a student, but I suppose due to my own background, I've had to be pro-active...so quitting a job just because it was boring would never be an option for me. We both live at home, (although the only reason I am, is because I help mum out with money since she can't, what I give her makes it so that life is just a bit more bearable. So rent on top of that is kind of out of the question, it's just not possible.) I help out even though we now have a carer for a few hours as well, yet he always complains to me that he has to do housework or cook, and he's not even paying board. My two close friends have suggested I just give him more time and maybe try to motivate him more, I have tried but at the same time I feel like at his age he should be doing it by himself.

I haven't had the best love life experience either, he's my first boyfriend in four years, my last and first boyfriend actually cheated on me and it made it awkward to go to the community we both went to. So I was pretty much ostracized from that community and still can't go back.

I just feel like I'm always struggling with loneliness and I hope one day I won't feel this way, but I kind of don't see this happening for a long time, mostly because it took me so long to find someone and others just as friends, only for it to disappear shortly after.

[Quiettall]

Hi Luciana

In reading your post, there were a couple of things that occurred to me. I am amazed and admire you for your insight and drive for the education work. I also like your passion for the Japanese language and culture. My older sister sounds just like you. When she was your age, she did her education/teaching qualification, but instead of learning Japanese, she did a TESOL (teaching English as a second language) course. This was a short course which is available in lots of places and online. Once you do it, the world opens up to anywhere you want to go to teach English. My sister went to Japan, and met her husband there. They both now live in Melbourne, she has fluent Japanese, lots of Japanese friends and has moved on from a teacher role to work within the university sector. She was not a bright student as I suspect you are from what you have written.

As for your boyfriend. Yes, you can give him time. Maybe you could suggest he come over and do a few chores to help you look after your Mum? At least that gives you both something to work on together, to see how genuine he is in caring for you vs being totally self seeking.

You are only 24 so dont write off your love life yet. There are plenty of others out there that would give their right arm to meet a lovely young lady like you, who has passion, care, and vision

[james1]

Hi Luciana,

I'm 25 so very similar age and I just wanted to second what Quiettal said about being amazed about your passion for education and the Japanese culture. Also about having to be a carer for your mother at such a young age. That shows a lot of maturity.

I can see why you would be frustrated with your boyfriend, and that frustration can also lead to him being less attractive. I had a similar situation where my now ex was a bit immature in certain aspects which I probably didn't react to in the best way. But it did also lead me to seriously question whether or not we should've been together. It's hard to know when we're still in our mid-20s but in hindsight, the qualities I thought were dealbreakers only became so huge because I forgot to think about the good qualities as well.

So, possibly, he may not be the right one. But I'd just be careful of letting this one thing obstruct all the other small things that could be good (or bad!). Still, like Quiettall said, there are many people out there!

James

[BballJ]

Hi Luciana,

Firstly, welcome back to the forums.

Well done on the studies and everything you have done... the true definition of hard work pays off so well done for you for living out your dream and I hope it all comes true and even more.

The biggest concern I took out of your post is you are struggling with friends and trying to make new ones in general or do you specifically want friends with the same interest in the Japanese stuff you do?

Regarding your boyfriend, from what I read, the positives still outweigh the negative stuff, you seem to have a lot in common and it isn't unusual for people to lose motivation or not like what they do... sometimes the down time which he seems to be having is good for now but it becomes quite stale. Has it been a while since he started living on his savings and not working? I understand your situation with your mum and being a carer.. part of it is you shouldn't hold it against him if his household is different. You are doing a heck of a job and I understand you don't understand how he can complain when he doesn't have to do the stuff you do but at the same time, he hasn't lived in those shoes and not many people have.. partly because a lot of people can't do what you do... my biggest question is if you were to end the relationship... would you miss him way to much... i understand not holding on if there is no love there but at the same time if there is still love between you then don't let this patch change your life.

Have you tried talking to him about all of this and how you are feeling?

My best for you,

Jay

[Luciana]

Hi Quiettall,

Thank you for your reply. I actually found it quite amazing myself that there is someone else out there who has achieved what I aspire to do eventually. I will definitely take that into consideration, however along with teaching English I would also like the chance to teach in Australian schools, and if given the chance (though I know it's definitely harder to find) teach Japanese in our schools. Depending on how I feel after I finish this degree, I may just opt to complete the short course and begin working straight away. Thank you for the last comment, although I really only pick up languages well, my essay writing is nothing much to be desired. ^.^'

I will definitely ask him to come over and do a few chores with me, I hadn't really thought of that myself and at least then I can gauge how willing he is to contribute in a household.

(I'm just replying to everyone in the one message by the way...I don't know if that's what people do, but I figure it's easier.)

Hi James1

Thank you to both you and Quiettall for those comments and for the suggestions.

Yes the frustration I've had towards him has made him somewhat less desirable in my eyes. I think it's definitely harder to remember the good qualities in the heat of the moment or when the bad qualities are the ones that keep popping up. ​It has also been suggested to me that I make up a list of his good points and bad points to see what really outweighs the other and what could be worked on through some discussions.

[james1]

Hey Luchia,

I think that sounds like a great idea.

It might also be worthwhile thinking about some hobbies you can pick up and look around for groups of similar minded people. For a while, I really liked writing and I looked on the Meetup.com website for writing groups. It was a nice way just to meet people and even though I didn't make any lasting friends while there, it was still fun to just chat to people and connect in that way to strangers.

I've found romantic interests can become quite overwhelming in terms of how much of your social life they take up and it's important to make sure you don't hold on because you're afraid of being lonely. Finding your own friends even when in a relationship is super important as you probably know well.

James

[Luciana]

Hi Jay,

Yes I'm just struggling to make friends in general, and no they don't specifically have to like Japanese stuff. It would be nice if they did, and I originally thought I might meet friends in my classes, but the ones I have had conversations with don't seem interested in speaking outside of class. I kind of just get the brush off. Originally I was in a big community but since most of them were my ex's friends I no longer attend this community. So someone suggested I join a church youth group at one of the more modern churches, I'm not actually Christian myself but I do believe in something other than ourselves and I'm very respectful of different beliefs. That was nice for a while until I had a disagreement with two girls and now every time I've attempted to go back to these community outings, but they won't leave me alone and they're a bit more fanatical and overbearing than the others. So I feel quite stuck in the friend's department. I do have two very close friends but due to our differing timetables, we very rarely get to see each other.

It's been about five months, originally he said he just wouldn't work for one month so he could have a break, but then when that month passed, it became another month until it was just that he wanted to only study apparently for this semester. I do understand people need downtime, I'm just worried that he may have no intentions of working for a long time and if we wanted to down the road, travel or put a deposit on a home, it won't be possible. I've also known of people who just study and have no plans of working...or working very little.

I think I would definitely miss him, we do have a lot in common and that's quite rare considering not many people I know have a big interest in the Japanese culture and language. We also talk every day, even if it's just through messenger.

Before writing this post, I hadn't let him know it was bothering me, I didn't want to be the pushy nagging girlfriend, however, I did ask him questions like, "when do you think you'll go back to work?", "Don't you get bored at home without a bit of structure?'', etc. I have now however asked him to have a talk in person because I'm not feeling 100% certain about the relationship as I have some concerns that I just want to discuss.

So I'll see how that goes.

[BballJ]

Hi Luciana,

It is always toughest to make new friends as adults, these communities you are apart of, are there only so many you can join in your area? Is there anything else you can do other than the religious communities to meet people? I understand you tried to make friends and conversations with these people at uni but they may not of understood you were trying to be actual friends rather than just having a working (by working I mean school) friendship, it seems silly but people don't always pick up on it.

I think the key here is to fight for your boyfriend which I can tell you are doing, you obviously love him very much, I don't think it is that bad that he is having this down time, I understand the frustrations because the money dries up when you don't work full time... I'm glad you are bringing it up with him in person I think that's the best way to convey your message, please let us know how it goes.

My best,

Jay