do i deserve to be happy?

ebee

for many years i used to be quite mentally ill, very full of constant self hatred and had anxiety, but one day it just….stopped. it felt like all the cynicism, defeatism, self flagellation, fear and anxiety just got up and left, that i finally felt like i was happy and felt like i wanted to live, that i could embrace challenge and failure and know i would be okay after it anyways

but now when i see my other friends who are struggling so much with their mental health issues, i feel a sense of guilt, like do i deserve to have this happiness? why was i allowed to be cured miraculously while the people who matter continue to suffer so much? when im enjoying myself while the people important to me are struggling, its as though im a rich person bathing in an oasis of water in front of someone dying of thirst

of course, i am trying to encourage my friends to seek help, but theres only so much i can do (since i obviously cant force anyone to do anything, and as always all things take time)

while i dont intend to be making other people’s issues about myself, that is kind of what im doing. i want to erase the part of myself that is selfish and self centred and become a selfless, kind and goodnatured person but no matter how hard i try, i always feel resentment and guilt even though i know its wrong

i dont really know how i should feel… its very tempting to go back to negative self talk patterns and make myself miserable on purpose as punishment, but i know its just a self-serving act that doesnt help anyone at all, so i wont, but im really not sure what ishould feel

bananatoast

Hey there, it must be hard dealing with conflicted emotions and thoughts. But hey, I just want you to know it is okay to feel however way you feel. I know you care very much about others around you, and that show me that you deserve to be happy too. From my experience, anyone's happiness should not be dependent on anyone else but themselves. Yes, in this life we still get emotionally and mentally affected when our love ones don't feel so great, but I want you to remember that you should not feel guilty for being okay. Because if you think about it, you being happy and staying strong for yourself could shred light onto those around you as well, right?

sbella02

Ebee,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this guilt. You absolutely deserve to be happy. If you think about it this way, others are just on different journeys with their own mental health. You're at a different stage of your journey. You have struggled in the past with this journey, and now you're at a better point.

To use your analogy, you may now be bathing in an oasis of water, but you are still able to identify when somebody in front of you is dying of thirst. Perhaps if you're feeling like there's more you could be doing, you could offer those friends a drink of water.

What did you find worked for you in your recovery? How do you care for your mental health now? Do you have any go-to self-care activities? If you have friends struggling with their mental health, these may be good suggestions to start with if they're open to hearing your advice, otherwise just being a shoulder to cry on can help. Don't be afraid to share some of your metaphorical water supply with them, if you have the capacity to do so.

All the best, SB