Difficulty thinking positively, lack of friends, etc.

[Kiseki]

Recently, my parents have noticed that I have a tendency to take everything negatively, from the smallest criticism to the slightest mistake. Everything I don't do 100% correct is a waste of time, a redundant effort, a stupid move on my part. My parents try to give my advice, but my brain interprets that as a personal attack against me, and I get really defensive. I tried to talk to my dad about it yesterday, and he listened, but he doesn't really get it.

I find that's a problem with almost everyone I open up to: they don't understand how my mind works. I don't want to see everything as a negative, but I also don't want to be lost in a fantasy world of happiness and ignore everything else. I see all of these articles saying 'love yourself' or 'be yourself', but I don't know how to do those things, and the instructions just repeat the same thing over and over again.

On another note, at school, I have 2 people who I'd consider friends, but I don't see them all too often. There are other people I hang out with, but only within school-hours. I tried to join a group that already had about 8 people in it, and I kept on getting drowned out, so I stopped meeting with them. I want to make more friends, but groups have already been established, and I feel that if I try to wedge my way into these groups, I'll just be seen as a nuisance.

There's hardly anyone else who shares my interests, either, so I just sit by myself in breaks. I'm also going to be in year 12 soon, so I'm cautious and wary about making friends, since university is just over one year away, and that means the any friends I make could be lost by then. I don't make friends too easily, but I also can't remember how I became friends with the 2 I have now. It's like it just happened. I also don't like to just approach people, because I feel that I'm intruding and unwanted.

The school holidays also end this Tuesday, but because current year 12 students are sitting their final exams, there will only be this year's year 11 students at school this term.

I know that these are really minor problems, but I express myself through writing/typing better than I do with words. 

[Zeal]

Hi Kiseki,

I was in a similar situation to you when I was your age. I'm now 22, and I have managed to mostly overcome my harsh self-criticism, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and shyness. I've always had perfectionistic tendencies, and it sounds as though you do too. Perfectionism in small doses can be beneficial. However, when perfectionists become too hard on themselves and expect perfect results all the time, they become exhausted, negative, and disillusioned.

When I was in Year 11, I also had a small number of friends. In my teen years, I struggled to go up and initiate conversations and have interactions with new people. I seriously lacked confidence and felt socially awkward. Good friends you meet at school can be kept during the university years. I only have one friend I am close to now that I met at high school though. The group of people I now spend lots of time with I didn't meet at university. I was brought into the group by my best friend, who I met at primary school when I was 6! Even though we have always been quite different personality-wise, we have always really enjoyed each other's company and valued our friendship.

You'll be amazed by how you'll meet new people in the future. At university it's quite easy to get talking with people in tutorials and seminars. The few friends I have from uni I met in these classes. In the first week of tute classes, the tutor usually asks people to introduce themselves. Small group discussions are really encouraged. Often they will ask you to talk about something specific in small groups. This was great for me, because it meant I needed to introduce myself to a few people in these classes and get genuine conversations going.

If you are a kind person (which you seem to be from your post) and you are sincere, then I very much doubt that people will think of you as intrusive 🙂 Often we are our own worst enemies, and are much harder on ourselves than others would ever be. Try this: when you start having self-critical thoughts, try to imagine that these thoughts are directed towards a close friend. You wouldn't tell your friend, for instance, that they are a failure because they didn't get an A for an assignment. This way, you might restructure your self-talk.

I recommend talking to someone about how you feel, such as a counsellor, your GP, or even a teacher you know well. Some teachers are happy to talk to students about their personal welfare.

Best wishes,

SM

[Kiseki]

Thanks for suggesting what you said about thinking positively. I thought about it and I really do think it will help reduce negativity. Also, I'm glad to know that people other than me have had difficulty with friends and finding them. Thank you.