Difficulty Connecting with people

[Lonely_Tree]

Hi friends,

Just though I'd share my current dilemma for those who are going through the same thing to realise that they aren't alone.

I'm 19 and I have no close friends. I'm talking about the type of friends who you know you can count on and they feel

the same way. I'm highly academic and into my team sports. But, in both aspects of my life I've watched as my peers

formed strong relationships while I remained an acquaintance. I did try my best to introduce myself and start conversation

but in the end I felt like the person who no body wants to be friends with. In a team full of people I feel like the one who

has no place on it. If anyone has a similar experience and would like to share or give advice please do. I would greatly appreciate

a good insight.

[kanga_brumby]

Lonely i my case I often tried too hard to make friends. In trying I would inadvertently pushed the very people I wanted as friends away. I don't know if this rings any bells with you.

Kanga

[Danni554]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear your going through this. Just want to say first of all never feel like there's no place for you, especially when your doing something you love whether its sports or studying. I'm also going through something similar at work and have gone through difficult similar situations when I was studying. I was very academic as well and my advice is don't let study become your life, its good that your keeping to your love of sports and getting involved in more than study, but its very unfortunate that your feeling left out and unwanted.

I just started my first full time job and I feel like everyone would be happy if I was replaced. What I can say/offer is every day I say good morning to as many as I can, even knowing some don't want to talk to me but its just a small gesture. Those who I know don't want to have any conversation with me I smile and wave. I've been doing this everyday for weeks and I have noticed some improvement with some of them. I'd recommend when your playing sports and meeting up with your team just say hello to everyone even if it doesn't get passed that. For me there are some who don't notice if I miss saying hello to them (sometimes I do it on purpose to see if they will say anything and they don't), but there are others who will now smile first knowing that I'm about to say hello to them and at the start of my job they didn't even acknowledge me, wouldn't of even noticed if I showed up or not. You can try something simple like that for a while, just do it every day and some people will notice the effort (unfortunately not all). My partner does the same thing at his work and he did it at uni, all he does is say hello to everyone when he sees them and it grew on some of them. When you notice improvement then follow up with "how was your weekend/week/night" or "how are you going?", and be consistent with that.

I do hope that things get better for you. All the best! 🙂

[Chloe_M]

Hello Lonely Tree,

I get it. Feeling like you're not wanted? I spent an ENTIRE 7 YEARS in primary school feeling unwanted and unappreciated. I had no close friends, and I spent a lot of time in the library shelving books because no one wanted to play/hang out with me. When I started high school, however, I found that a fresh start to everything gave me a new outlook on life. Looking back, in primary school, I tried to be someone that other people wanted me to be, which wasn't who I am. I remember reading in a folder I use to keep track of the happenings and experiences of my school life that on my Year 7 page, under the heading Exciting Things that Happened this Year, I wrote 'lots of friends'. This seemed kind of sad to me, and I realised that the reason I have a couple of close friends that I can trust with my life, and many others that I can chat to comfortably, is because I started high school knowing no one, and I went into it as myself.

I think that the most attractive thing about anyone is themselves- their personality, interests, habits, appearance, intelligence, their values and beliefs, and everything else rolled into one. This is why people make friendships and why people fall in love. The best thing you can do is be yourself- then one day you may find yourself forming some strong relationships.

I hope this helps you in some way, shape or form. Good luck, Lonely Tree x

Chloe_M

[Miss_Marigold904]

Hey there,

Just wanted you to know you are not the only one. I feel like this a lot too, especially since I've always been pretty quiet and shy. I'm involved with a lot of theatre productions, and they're usually full of bubbly, loud, confident people, and I tend to feel like I just fade into the background. Some things I have found can help are:

1. Remember that YOU ARE WORTH KNOWING. You are an important member of the team, and even on a day when you feel lonely and uninteresting, you have many amazing qualities and you bring something unique that no one else has. Somehow, for me, just reminding myself that I am worth knowing helps me to feel less helpless. As cheesy as it sounds, be your own best friend first. It makes it a lot easier to find new friends, because you know that you're rooting for yourself.

2. Also remember that sometimes friendships can take time to build. It can be discouraging when it looks so easy for some people, but you will get there in your own time. It might be a slow burn, but if you keep doing what you love, you will gradually form closer bonds with people whose paths cross with yours. Just take the pressure off of yourself, and take baby steps.

3. Form opportunities to get to know people better. If you have trouble in crowds, you could try to plan ways to spend time with people in small groups. Maybe invite a few friendly acquaintances to hang out and see a movie or go bowling, or grab lunch? Or even if you just run into someone you know, regularly make an effort to smile and say hi, or even start a conversation. It can be scary, but the more you do it, the less scary it becomes. (From the sounds of things, you're already doing that, so just persevere and don't give up!)

4. Assume the best. Don't let your mind start overthinking things. (I know it's hard to do). Choose to believe that you're not as much of an outsider as it seems. You might be having trouble forming close friendships, but stay positive and tell yourself that you're going to get there. Notice the small things, like when someone gives you a compliment, or passes you the ball (or whatever happens in sports, I don't know!), or greets you with a friendly smile. Try to reciprocate often.

Hope this was remotely helpful! Hang in there, things will get better. 🙂

[Chloe_M]

Heya Lonely Tree, just checking that you are okay. How are things going for you?

Miss Marigold you gave wonderful advice. Really helpful!

Cheers

Chloe

[quirkywords]

Lonely Tree,

Welcome to the forum. As you can we by the caring responses you have received that this is a supportive and friendly place. Feel free to let us know what you thought of the suggestions you were given,

Miss Marigold, welcome to the forum. What a very helpful first post you wrote. I found them very clear and helpful.

Quirky

Qu