Depression, anxiety, regret, life falling apart

[Musicboy727]

Hello everyone,

Im 15 and this is whats going on. So 2 years ago i had some massive fights on social media with my friends from school, im not going to say what i said but alot of what i said was really bad, same goes with what they said to me. It was both mine and their fault, i called one of my friends a backstabber then she made a group chat on Instagram with a lot of my other friends and they all came at me. I tried leaving the group chat 3 times but they kept adding me back in, by the third time i got really mad and exploded. It went on for 3 days and then stopped. I apologised and they forgave me. Somehow the whole school knew what i said and everyone hated me (and alot of people still do, even people I don’t know, know what ive done). I also tried to play the victim in the beginning which just made things worse. At the time i loved attention so I would just start random fights afterwards until around the end of last year. I see them occasionally at the train station after school and they just stare at me and ive heard once one of them talking about me. I had heaps of friends in between 2 years ago until now that i treated like crap and they eventually stopped being my friend. I also really liked this guy and i did all these bad things to him which i really regret and i still have feelings for him and all the time i see him in my dreams which stops me from sleeping sometimes and stuff. Ever since the first fight and what happened with the guy i liked ive became really depressed and suicidal. I haven’t gone to school in 2 years (ive changed schools 4 times within 3 years of being in high school), i hardly get out of my bedroom and all i do is listen to music all day because it helps me get through everyday, Im also transgender and my mum doesn’t support me which makes things worse for me and there are some family issues going on. I really regret what ive done and ive recently apologised to everyone and they forgave me and wished me the best but I can’t seem to move on. I don’t know what to do. Someone help please!

[Doolhof]

Hi musicboy,

It certainly does sound like you have had a few negative episodes with social media. Sorry to read you have had such a tough time and you are struggling at present.

Is it possible for you to ask your Mum to take you to a Dr so you can ask about receiving some assistance with how you are feeling? You may be able to see a counsellor or a psychologist to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

It is important you learn ways to deal with your depression and thoughts of suicide. Would you call the beyondblue support line and ask for help? They may be able to help you find support groups relating to being transgender in your region.

Are you able to consider doing a Tafe course or some other type of study if you are not returning to school? Maybe some volunteer work to get you out of the house.

Hope you manage to find a way to move forward. Seeing a Dr and make a few phone calls might be helpful.

Cheers from Dools

[therising]

Hi Musicboy727

What a tough thing to do, apologise to everyone. You are to be deeply commended for such a brave and thoughtful act.

Forgiving our self is definitely a hard thing to do at times, depending on the circumstances. Moving forward by giving our self release from who we used to be is a process which eventually takes us out of the state of self-chastisement.

Reinventing who we are (recreating our identity) comes down to how we identify our self through new behaviors, how we relate to our environment and the people in it in new ways. When this happens, we and the people around us see us as reformed. I know this sounds very simple but, yes, it can be a seriously challenging process although not impossible. Our brain will only accept us as being reformed when we undertake acts that prove this. So, give thought to new undertakings in your life such as with your routine, the way you dress (only if that's something you actually want to do), perhaps the way you great people (complimenting them), the goals you set and so on and so on.

I should add, the path of personal evolution is a path of self-love. When many of the paths we've traveled in life are paved with moments of conditional acceptance, recognising the path of self-love can be hard. I shall give you a clue as to what it looks like - it begins with conscious reformation and self-acceptance.

Take care of yourself Musicboy, on your quest of reformation/reinvention