Coping with Difficult Roomates

[LostonaForum]

I currently live with 4 other roommates and have been living here about a week and already there has been difficulties with those I live with. Two of my roommates although very quiet are nice but the other two are really troubling. I've tried to talk with them and I've been very nice and considerate but out of nowhere I heard them saying some fairly nasty things about me, it caught me so off guard as I haven't done anything to them. We're all in university and mostly first years so I could be living with them for a while. I understand that it's best to ignore it but I live with these people we share a wall it's hard to ignore it when I can easily hear it and now know how they feel. I'm upset because I'm not a mean person I try so hard to be nice to everyone so I actually don't tend to make enemies with people so this caught me so off guard.

[geoff]

Hello LostonaForum, can I welcome you to the forums.

Sometimes living with these two people may become awkward because if they have said it once then it's probably going to happen again, so perhaps you could approach one of them and say 'hey, the other day I heard you all say something about me, and I found it quite hurtful and would appreciate it if you didn't mention it again.

The other option which would be helpful is to know if you are the only person who signed the lease.

This would help us in responding back to you.

Geoff.

[LostonaForum]

With the lease, each room in the apartment has a separate lease.

[therising]

Hi LostonaForum

What these people say is no reflection on you, it's more about the sort of people they are. Often people will back-stab because 1) they are poor communicators regarding resolution and/or 2)they want to feel in control, reinforcing their own self-importance. Regarding the 2 nice and quiet ones, befriending them would be a good move, if you haven't done this already. Positive interaction with the thoughtful people you live with will help reinforce the idea that the challenging roommates are in a league of their own.

If you desire, you can mention to the 2 who are saying negative things, 'I'm not sure you realise how thin the walls are. I'm more than happy to resolve any issues you have with me so that we can move on and get along with each other.' If they don't respond thoughtfully to such a mature approach, well, what can you say other than at least one of you is mature and willing to get along.

By the way, would be interesting to know whether the nice 2 keep to themselves because the challenging ones are not worth getting involved with. Maybe they've already worked that out for themselves.

Back-stabbing is a habit, so chances are these people have had this habit in their lives for years; you're now simply witness to it. Before you become seriously effected by their behaviour, have a course of action in mind (so you feel in control of your life). You may consider 1)Speaking with these roommates, 2)Spending more time outside than inside the house if you decide to become more of a social butterfly and/or 3)Be super happy around these people just to irritate them (don't know whether that's a good or a bad suggestion, lol). The most extreme course of action may be to eventually move out. Could be wrong but I think you have to continue paying a lease until the landlord finds someone else to move in (check your contract if need be). There are a myriad of ways regarding how the situation can be managed. Don't be left feeling helpless.

Keep in mind LostonaForum, you are in control of your own life. Considering 'control' is defined as 'effective management', have a management plan in place and don't let these roommates be the ones who manage your emotions.

Take care

[LavenderTea]

Hey Lostonaforum,

That sounds really tricky. Have you talked to them or the other two housemates about what has happened? If they've got a problem with something you all can sort out (i.e. living arrangements, cleaning, noise levels etc.) then it might be something you can work on.

It can be good to stick it out for a few more weeks to suss it out. Being straight out of highschool, the environments can be super gossipy, so, as the rising suggested, it can be something the other housemates are going to do endlessly, but having a fair idea about the type of people they might be, it's quite possible that they'll move on to gossiping about someone else in a weeks time.

If it does become a bigger problem for you, and it's not something that can be civilly sorted out, it's then a good thing that the leases are all individual. I don't know how long your lease is for but you could considering finding another place. Generally I would recommend "interviews" with housemates so that you can suss them out and vice versa to see if you'd be a good fit. If you can't get out of your lease, what you might also be able to do is have someone else live in the room while the lease is under your name. It's a little tricky, so you might need to talk to your landlord about it but it might be an option.

Generally, if you're having trouble with housemates, communication is key. It can be quite difficult when there are two "against" one, so maybe chat to the two quiet people about the situation, and then have a house meeting perhaps? It might make the other two more likely to listen. It's also good in these situations not to get straight onto the defensive side, or to be blaming, because people tend to react negatively to that.

Hopefully this is helpful.

LT.