Can't trust anyone/let people inyo my life due to past trauma and periods of homelessness

[iameviljosh]

Where to start? Well I'm looking for general advice on how to feel like I can trust people around me. I'll give a little context first:

I'm 22 years old, and sort of managed to find myself homeless in Oz (I'm from the UK) after my own family that I was staying with in Australia kicked me out about 18 months ago. I had a bit of a messed up adolescence due to a couple of traumatic experiences and being in and out of a psych unit due to depression, anxiety, and self harm. For the most part I've since recovered. Since being kicked out there has been periods of time where I've either had to 'rough it' or squat to keep a roof over my head and had to go without food on several occasions. This could also involve living alone without any friends for weeks/months at a time. I've also got an incredibly addictive personality and regularly engage substance abuse to try and cope, including hard drugs. I won't go into specifics but let's just say there is no one I can call for help, be it financial or emotional support any more.

It probably wouldn't surprise you to hear that I have self-esteem issues and find it really hard to trust anyone, along with occasional bouts of crippling depression, though these are usually short-lived; I haven't self harmed in nearly 5 years.

Now, with all this being said, I do sort of have a life together for the moment; I have a job and a room in a shared house currently. I would even say I have a loosely defined group of friends for the moment who I see fairly regularly.

My real question is this: How can I learn to trust people again? I have a real fear of intimacy, to the point where I don't feel comfortable sharing personal feelings or letting people into my life properly. I always feel like I need to be 'ready' in case things all fall apart again. Another weird thing I've noticed is I don't like people physically touching me any more. I want to be able to trust people again, and have the confidence to share my thoughts and feelings with people, especially now that I'm no longer in 'survival mode'.

Anyone have any similar experiences or advice on how to be able to make meaningful connections and build up trust in people?

[SubduedBlues]

Hi iameviljosh

Welcome to BB

Trusting people is always difficult when we have had that trust compromised by others. But it can be rebuilt, it just takes time and baby steps.

I mean you wouldn't give someone you barely know $1000 and trust that they'll pay you back next week. No, more likely you'd start with $1 and if they pay that back on time, you might increase it to $2 and after a few ontime repayments you'd feel okay to loan them $5 then $10 ... $20 ... $50 and so on.

Whether we are talking money or personal feelings, the trust issue is the same. I might tell you a small secret and if you can keep that confidence and possibly share some of yours too, I'll start to share more of myself. I learn to trust you as you earn trust from me.

SB

[159357]

If you really want to trust people with things, go with SubduedBlues' response. I have had previous things happen in the past which have lead me to not trust people either. Which means anons like people in this community are people i trust most, and i don't know any of them. It's also important to find out what you don't trust people with. Money, secrets or friendship? If you can identify them I hope it can help you. Msg me for clarification.

[Zeal]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

Thanks for introducing yourself. At 22, you have had so much to contend with already. I am a 23 year old female
by the way, and I have had OCD for 10 years. I've had fears and anxieties since I was a child, despite having a sheltered family life. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you to cope after being left to fend for yourself, without a place to stay. Your resilience is an asset, but one that can be worn down with overuse. I am so glad you have found a form of stability for yourself, by living with roommates and having a paid
job. Seeing a doctor (GP) for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist is a good idea. The GP can create a mental healthcare plan for you, which reduces the cost of appointments. I have used one a bit this year. Printing out the
text of your post to bring to the doctor appointment is an option. This way, if you don't know where to start, you can use what you've written as a guide.

It's great to hear that you haven't self-harmed in almost 5 years. It sounds as though depression is the biggest issue you face with your mental health at the moment. It is understandable that you are wary of trusting others. Past trauma and being neglected by family is rough. Talking through these issues with a professional, while unpleasant, is essential. Traumas that are not dealt with will continue to cause emotional turmoil. While our
situations and fears are different, I can relate to being uncomfortable with physical intimacy. As a child and adolescent, I didn't like hugging or kissing.

I only became comfortable with being physically close in a relationship-sense last year. It took someone I completely trusted to make this possible. I haven't had trouble expressing my emotions, so this was an advantage, and allowed me to get emotionally close to my then-friend (who is now my boyfriend). You may find that you start feeling more comfortable with disclosing your thoughts and emotions first, and that this will lead to being more accepting of physical closeness. Being able to give friends a quick hug (or man hug, as I witness among my male friends) is a good start. Some men do prefer to shake hands though. It’s perfectly fine to not be as physically affectionate as some of your friends, for instance. It’s about what is right for you, and what feels comfortable.

Seeing a professional is important, so I hope you can book an appointment soon.


Best wishes,

Zeal

[pipsy]

Hey iameviljosh. Putting trust in people can be difficult when you've been 'kicked in the teeth'. You are obviously aware substance abuse is not the answer so we won't 'go there' either. You seem determined to try to turn your life around so where and how to begin. Trusting yourself is the first part of recovery. To do this means you have to be willing to ask for and work with the help that's available. If possible try to get a referral for a Dr for a therapist who will listen and help you with your low esteem. Having a low esteem makes you build a protective shield so you become suspicious of anyone who appears to be trying to knock that shield down. I am similar, in that long term relationships, to me are, 'off limits'. Low self esteem comes from too many knock-backs and living the nomadic lifestyle you have. May I inquire if you have an income, be it C'link Newstart or an actual job? If you do have any sort of ready available financial assistance, I would look at using it in a way that would enable you to get some professional guidance. A Tafe course, for instance, where you would meet other people who, like you are trying to establish themselves. That way, people who connect with you are on the same page and would not be trying to undermine you. Otherwise Newstart would give you the same independence to enable you to get the guidance necessary. I think though your first call is a Dr who would help you with C'link. Depending on how long you have been here, C'link will advice you on where you stand with financial assistance.

Lynda

[geoff]

hello Josh, how can we trust people, well is it because we find them friendly, helpful or being able to talk to, or is it because of what I have just said that you feel as though they are trustworthy.
I remember back when I was in the hotel business, people would ask me for a loan of $10 or $20 and the next day they gave the money back to me, so they then asked for $50 and being a young foolish man I leant it to them thinking that I could trust them, well I never saw this chap again so they conned me into believing that the money would be paid back, and from that time on I didn't lend anymore money.
To be able to trust someone shouldn't have anything to do with money or any material gifts, and this can happen with a family member or a person who you considered to be a close friend, because 9/10 you won't be paid back, but it's different when you go and see a professional person, like your doctor or psychologist you expect that they are trustworthy as long as they are qualified.
Life has been very tough for you and for that I'm so sorry and to have an addictive personality which I seem to have because of my OCD as my doctor often remarks on, but what it means is that I can only have medication which is non-addictive or if I do need to take some medicine then my doctor gives it to me for only a certain amount of time.
There has to be a strong feeling for you not to self-harm, which is terrific but it requires a lot of dedication by yourself, plus you feel as though you needed to 'get a life', sorry no harm intended, to get a job and try a different wayof life.
Well done to you, and with regards to your fear of intimacy, well this goes back a long way, where you were kicked out and needed hard drugs to be able to try and cope, whether you still need them is up for another discussion, but what I'm saying is there hasn't been any closeness to anybody for a long time, so you have to take it slowly, bit by bit, person by person and each time you will begin to learn who you can trust, who you want to have a relationship with.
When this does happen as your confidence can grow, and in this relationship just take it day by day and only do what you feel comfortable with. Geoff.