Anxious about future and relationships.

[Luchia]

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty new and I wasn't quite sure where this belonged.

I've been feeling really anxious for a long time now about being single. I'm 22 going on 23 at the end of the year, and I haven't had a relationship since I was 19 when I was with my first and last partner. We were together for seven months, but his high school sweet heart came back from teaching in France...so I was no longer needed. I was hurt over it for quite a while, understandably. For the past two weeks, I've been more anxious than I have ever been before, to the point where I'm finding it hard to concentrate or even enjoy my day without constantly worrying about finding someone.

 This came about because I found out that my ex is now engaged to the girl he cheated on me with. I can say that I have no feelings for him in that way anymore, but I still have that tinge of hurt and I'm actually more upset that he's obviously had this wonderful relationship and has taken the next step, while I have struggled to meet someone, and have had a bit of a rough time. I've been on dates, either I like them, they don't like me, or vice versa. I just haven't felt that click, and it doesn't help when I have friends and family who tell me to get a move on, that the clock is ticking, and comments like, ''the last one seemed like a nice guy, what was wrong with him?'' and ''you're too picky''.

 I don't think I am too picky, I just want someone that I like and don't see a point in settling.I've also noticed that pretty much all my friends are in relationships, and some of them are also getting engaged...and they're my age! I feel like I can't keep up. I realize it's not a race, but I would really love to meet someone nice and have a long term relationship.

I feel like I've achieved a lot in these past three years, I'm ambitious, I work hard...heck I even worked hard at finding a job! (That was a real struggle back in 2013 because I didn't have much experience). I went back to study, redid my year 12, studied art, Education Support and next year I'll be at Uni, I'm friendly, I'm nice, I'm not a model, but I would say I'm attractive, I don't understand why it hasn't happened for me yet. I have tried. I have Tafe friends, go out places with them and a church community. Yet nothing.

I suppose what I'm asking is, has anyone else been through this, or going through this? For those who have someone in their lives, how did you meet them? Did it just happen one day or did you somehow make it happen?

[Greenworld]

My advice is to not rush into a relationship with the wrong person, the right person is out there for you, you won't see them if your stuck in a relationship with someone you kind of like. Have you tried online social networks? Perhaps that will help you feel less lonely atleast till you find someone in real life. Having high standards is not being picky, I know exactly what you are going through haha

[pockets4health]

Hey Luchia,

Thanks for reaching out. I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm sorry that you had a bad break up/experience with your ex but those sorts of experience are the ones that allows us to grow, to think about what it is we truly want and to demand more for ourselves.

I used to have a running joke that I would be that old lady with a house full of dogs and no man, but I think i just said it to mask the fact that I was really lonely and wanted a companion. The truth is, when we're young we are sort of painted a picture of what life is going to be like when we're 22/23. Like we should have it all worked out by then, with the guy and the career path. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you're alone and everyone else is in relationships but I've come to realise that it all starts and ends with you. If your happiness is entirely dependent on whether someone is in your life or not then you'll never be truly happy.

'We accept the love we think we deserve' - So start loving yourself girl!! Focus on yourself, eat well, exercise, treat yo'self, be compassionate and kind, surround yourself with positive people. The guy will come. The moment you stop looking, you'll find the right person for you. You have to believe that, because when you don't believe in yourself, when you don't love yourself, other people can feel that - it invades all parts of your life. The 'click' isn't necessarily meeting Mr. Right but know who you are, what you bring to the table, what you're willing to compromise on and what you need to be supported. All of that comes from accepting yourself for everything that you are.

Best of luck

V

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey there,

Honestly I have to say I'm a little surprised seeing this come from a female, but then that may just be my personal experience with the people I've been surrounded by.

However... I myself have been through what your going through now. I had a serious relationship with one girl not once but twice, once in high school then again after school and both times she hurt and left me with little explanation.

I'm afraid to say this left me in limbo for quite a few years.. But then, I was in such a state I had lost hope in women and relationships (Sorry to say ladies, but yes its that's easy for us nice guys...)

I am 26 now, and struggling with a current relationship I've been in and out of for around 12 months now.

Meeting the right people is by no means an easy task, you need confidence around strangers, you need to be able to read body language and subtle hints. Unless of course your doing it online. We are in a generation of overwhelming internet presence, and real world isolation...

There is no easy answer to finding 'The right one'

However there is an easy answer to not ruling them out... You must not rush yourself! And don't add pressure of 'time' to finding someone either...

Go make a bunch of new acquaintances, if their nice people, keep them as friends... THAT is where you start.

Most long term relationships arise between friends not strangers and dates..

Thinking you'll know their the right one after going on a date or 2, that just isn't going to work I'm afraid... That nearly always leads to short term relationships because as you both get settled your true personality and habits come out in front of each other. That's going to be a problem 99% of the time if you don't already know someone and what their like.

Also there are a lot of people out there in those relationships, having settled for 'somebody' rather than someone they are actually interested in.. The right person for you may be taken at the moment, or you may not have met them.

Of course you always have the option of accepting a short term relationship (or friends with benefits), that you could back out of later or may end up lasting, but either way, it could add a spring to your step, some extra confidence and extra little smile you need to keep moving on & up.

If you have some flirty male friends, let them in a little, have a little fun chatting and flirting, just don't lead someone on, let them know your looking but not settling.

[morgs29]

Hey Luchia,

I'm sorry to hear you were hurt by your past relationship. Also, YES! what you are experiencing is normal! I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 18 years old, and let me tell you, I was told MANY things, like "Why is it taking so long for you?" "You scare boys off" "You're too picky". . . I heard it all! But in reality, it was because I hadn't met someone who I felt for. Looking back now, I realised how okay that was and wished I didn't put so much pressure on myself when I was younger for having a partner when I wasn't ready. He ended up leaving me after 3 months by ignoring me, and it was just awful and heart-breaking.

You sound like such an amazing person. You've done so much, you actively work on your personal development and you have ambition! Good on you! Trust me when I say, you are right in saying you want to find the right person. Try not to have unreasonable expectations of what you want your future partner to look like, but also know that you are worthy of respect, integrity, care and love. It sounds to me like you know this already 🙂

I know how hard it can be at your age when you don't have a partner when all your other friends do, but let me tell you something, life is right there for living. So, live it! Live it passionately and work on understanding who you are first. Shine bright and I promise you, you will find someone (or they will find you). Don't settle for second best and try not to compare your situation with that of your friends.

You are young. You are driven. It's just the beginning. Get out there and learn who you are. Discover yourself every day and learn to love you for your uniqueness, your quirks. Then, you will know exactly how you want to be treated by someone else.

Take care,

Morgan