Helping someone who doesn't want help

[HelpingOutOthers]

Hi, 

My wife has depression. She's seen a councillor and the councillor made her discuss some confronting stuff and also wasn't really easy to understand so my wife refuses to seek further help. She still reluctantly takes her medication after I go get it for her.

I've called lifeline services and spoken to GP's but don't feel I am getting answers. There was a time when my mother in-law (wife's mother) and myself were suggesting things to help and it was too overwhelming and it caused her to go into a deeper depression. So between my mother in-law and me, we've decided that my mother in-law is just there for her and has general conversations and there to listen. I've agreed to tread lightly but be open to suggesting things in a gentle manner. 

We had a good week were we were able to get her to the GP and he suggested a book called Feeling Good by David Burns. I've downloaded it and started reading it. Yet my wife refuses to start the book because she thinks its going to be one of those american motivational speech books which I've assured her its not and explained its non-confrontational and so far the book has not asked me to think back into my past. It just explains depression and has ways to rethink or reassess the feelings you are having (CBT).

 I thought writing a post would be beneficial to get a range of ideas from people instead of just the help lines which I haven't had luck with so far.

So has anyone out there got any ideas of how to get someone to help themselves when they refuse? Deep down I think she wants me to help. I know we can fix this as a team but we're lost as to how to get her to help herself.

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[_NaturalTalent_]

Ok so first things first. Don't be pushy about ANYTHING..

A big trigger with depression is being overwhelmed. Things that seem trivial or helpful to you may be stacking up and weighing her down.

You must restrain from adding ANY pressure... Im referring to things as simple as trying to get an answer to a question... Being married im assuming you know her and her behavioural tendencies quite well..

For example... How often do you ask what she would like for dinner and have the response 'I don't know'? Its pretty common right? Now if she asked you and you said that, chances are she would be like 'well would you like this, this or this?' Right? Now you will go 'ooooh this sounds good'...

She doesn't right? She starts binding up, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact? Or gets angry? That's because your putting too much pressure on her, her mind is binding up.

When she says 'I don't know what I want for dinner', you need to say 'Ok let me know when you decide'. She WILL come to you with an answer eventually.

Now that's an example of a situation but I hope you understand what im trying to say. I know from experience... I do it, my partner does it, my mother does it, however my mother is also the one to be on the other side throwing out a hundred suggestions at once lol. It can be unbelievably overwhelming...

Don't push the book on her, people like us hate reading that self help stuff, half of the authors have no personal background experience anyway...

You've done the right thing letting her mother take over the conversational role, although you can be there for that too if your wife comes to you... If your going to suggest things, don't pile them on her, don't even suggest just one thing, every day... One or two suggestions a week at most I would recommend.. That may seem like nothing to you, but believe me they will stick in her head and she will consider things..

Pressure, time limits, and persistence really make some people retreat into shells. Egg shells... As in fragile...

If she is that unhappy about taking medication, it could be doing her more harm than good, the only way to truly seed that out is to detox, re learn who she truly is, then decide if medication needs to be looked at again.

The power of speaking to someone should never be underestimated though. No matter if its about her or the smell of the neighbours dogs turd, If she tries to talk to you, about anything, you must give her undivided attention. & Don't interrupt.

[HelpingOutOthers]

Thanks NT. You're reply is really valuable and appreciated.

I've had depression and anxiety a couple of times in my life so I can relate to what you are saying and what my wife is going through. I hope my personal experience helps guide my wife and I through this.

The day that mum in-law and I upset/overwhelmed her by trying to help too much, I was quick to realise it was us that caused things to get worse.

To also clarify, we both are just a shoulder for my wife. We are both here to listen to her and just be there. It's more a case, if she needs any guidance, instead of both mum in-law and me suggesting multiple things and having it become overwhelming again, just for me to slowly approach things.

My wife is very strong willed and once she makes a decision, she can set that decision in stone. So the challenge is, do we just sit back and wait (whilst being there for her) and just hope that she makes the decision herself to give it another go or is there other options?

It seems the only responses I've received from people is to have her speak with a GP, a helpline, a psychologist etc but in the scheme of things. Thats the task we have the challenge with. I need tips on how to start that journey without being overwhelming.

You have said to softly suggest things over time and not push. Thats pretty much the approach I feel I am taking but I don't think I have it worked out yet 😞

I definitely know what you're saying about the book too. I really don't like that type of stuff. I've started reading it to help my wife and talk about each chapter as we go through it and as skeptical as I was. If anyone is strong enough to read a book. This is really good. I can relate to so much in it from my own experiences and find it quite helpful for myself as well.

[_NaturalTalent_]

As weird as it sounds, you are extremely lucky to have had past experience as it will definitely help the situation because you know symptoms and can recognise signs of things.

This can also be a downfall however unless she not only knows but lets it sink in too.

Look at me playing councillor when my relationship might have just hit its final brick wall. My ex was very strong willed and stubborn as well. She has a comparative mentality, must always be right and worse off.

I would suggest that what you are currently doing is the best option, for her, as it relieves pressure just knowing people are there to lean on, but opening up or facing options of doing something can be actually damaging to some people. As you know we all deal with things differently.

Look starting with a GP is the base option, it can be very helpful if there is a good relationship there, if not I would suggest she needs to find a new GP that she feels comfortable with and can actually form a connection with.

I have seen a couple of psychs and again they can be very distant or misunderstanding, so I know the struggle you must be going through, but always remember her anxiety over it feels worse to her so it must not be pushed.

'You have said to softly suggest things over time and not push. That's pretty much the approach I feel I am taking but I don't think I have it worked out yet' Don't be too hard on yourself, unfortunately you may have to deal with this feeling for some time. Day to day gauge how she goes with the things you are saying, if it seems too much, back off a bit. Don't try facing it every day! Because then she has to face it every day... Good thing to try here may be picking a day, Saturday maybe as Sunday can then be used for recuperating, to ask if there's anything she WANTS to talk about?

A big problem with written material I've personally found, is that we don't like to hear people say how 'normal' what we are going through is.. It makes us feel even worse because its not 'normal' in our minds and feels like someone telling us to just get on with it, get to the next stage, you know? And like I said before, so many of them lack personal experience but were just good writers/researchers..

 I cant stress enough I don't expect you to take my answers as final answers, never give up trying mate! A lot of the time people in your situation get advice and the person giving it can make you feel like that should be the end answer, there is no end answer.