Am I mentally ill or am I just being dramatic?

[gca1919]

So... I don't know what's wrong with me.

Nothing is explicitly wrong with my life. I have friends, I have a family and uni is fine. Yet I feel "sad"? Like my life is full of conflicting feelings. I sometimes feel like I'm really pretty and the next day I can hate everything I see in the mirror. I can love my friends when hanging out with them but the next day I feel like nobody understands me and that I am a fraud.

The thing is, I don't know if I actually feel "emotions." Like I laugh and I cry but most of the time I feel kind of empty. Like I don't feel like I'm feeling any emotions or having any thoughts if that makes sense? I feel kind of like a fake. I feel like every emotion and every action is forced to please others and fit in. I don't feel like myself. And then I start to feel like I'm just being dramatic and wanting attention.

I have friends but at the same time I feel like none of them understand me. That none of them know the real me. I feel like they just know the version of me that I am trying to portray. I feel like I fake it with everyone. I don't even feel like I know who the real me is.

I don't know. Am I just an attention seeker? Am I just making up issues for myself?

Like last year. I "gave" myself bulimia. But was I doing that because I actually have a mental problem or did I do it to just give myself a problem? Was I just trying to signal a cry for help or was I just trying to be dramatic?

Back in year 9 I tried to harm myself and sent my friends a message saying goodbye. I remember not actually wanting to die and I felt so comforted when they messaged back being all freaked out. Am I just a super dramatic girl who is trying to cause problems for herself or am I actually mentally ill?

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I'm currently on medication but what if this diagnosis is wrong. What if I am just a big fat liar who wanted to have depression and anxiety. What if I am just "faking" my problems.

I don't know.

What is wrong with me? Do I have munchausen's? Am I just a pathological liar? Am I just trying to get attention?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi gca1919,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing what's going on with you. I don't think you're being dramatic at all, and I don't think you're a liar or have Munchausens. If you were dramatic and being a liar, you wouldn't be here. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be here and say that you're struggling and share that you're feeling like you're a fake. If you had Munchusens, you probably wouldn't be here either - because part of having Munchausens is craving attention, not necessarily about low self esteem (hating what you see in the mirror).

A big part of depression can be what's called a 'flat effect', so even though everybody has emotions and thoughts, it's almost like it's been suppressed so it can feel like there's nothing there. Naturally you want something to be there, so you fake it. It is totally understandable.

I also don't think that you 'gave' yourself bulimia. It's not a gift! Maybe that was the way that you needed to cope at the time. Even if you were being dramatic and crying for help - that cry still deserves to be answered.

I hope this kind of answers your questions? If you can I encourage you to chat with whoever gave you the diagnosis. Even if you're not able to tell them what you told us, you can still ask lots of questions to better understand the diagnosis and the medication.

Hope this helps

[white knight]

Hi GCA, welcome

Apart from what RT suggested there is also an illness called Dysthymia.

Use google

Beyondblue topic dysthymia

If you feel you might have either of these then see your GP. I've had it all my life and once on a small amount of medication I've recovered well.

TonyWK

[Yelmel]

Hi GCA1919,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and worries about your diagnosis.
When depressed, it takes alot of energy to keep up a social, study, work and family life. I can relate to you when you say they just know the version of yourself you create, to make everyone think you're fine.
It's a strange feeling when someone comments on an aspect of my personality because It's like I can't identify with it being a real part of me.

I'm definately no doctor, but I don't think anyone could choose the thoughts, behaviors, habits or feelings associated with bulimia. Maybe you felt out of control and you got sick as some sort of method of coping. Yes, you do make choices and decisions when mentally ill, but judgement is clouded and not the same as when you have been mentally well. Developing this illness could just be your coping mechanism to cope with whatever stress and feelings you were going through.

I have asked myself the same questions about my diagnosis and questioned myself for the decisions I make when mentally ill. But mental illness is not a choice. It is complex, takes over and skews your perspective. I try to remind myself that professionals give a diagnosis when they recognise an illness or disorder in a patient.

Again, I'm only speaking from my own mental health experience. Whoever gave you your diagnosis will be able to best support you to find answers to your questions through regular treatment.

I hope this helps

[_ItsTheSecondAlex_]

Hey GCA.

I understand. Completely. Utterly. I have been questioning my mental health, whether I'm just lonely and looking for attention or not. I don't want to reach out and get support from people I know because I'm afraid they'll judge me and think I'm exaggerating. I like acting, and am known to be dramatic. All through my childhood I have been told by my parents to "Stop being so dramatic", and I think this has had a toll on my perception of my personality and health. Or it might not have had an impact...maybe I'm overreacting?

It has started going so out of hand that I post or reply on these forums then delete the message in case I am just overthinking everything.

I don't want to actively reach out to people in case they judge me, but I want to do something to catch their attention so I don't have to be so lonely and isolated. Honestly, I don't know anymore. I'm questioning whether I should even post this in case I get judged. I guess it's a combination of isolation, a seemingly outgoing and dramatic personality and intense social anxiety. Does anyone here even want to read this post? I'm not offering advice so I don't know if it's appropriate and will help you.

Oh no, it's become a rant. Let me step back a notch and just say that I completely understand how you feel, and am so thankful you shared your feelings so that I could identify with you.

Alex.

[SSmith767]

Hi, Alex!

I know that I'm probably a few years late to this conversation, but I was reading your reply to GCA's situation and I wanted to reassure you as well that you are not alone in how you feel and I very much relate. I've been suffering from some sort of mental blockage for the past year-ish now, and I had a lot of trouble my first year of uni. Several times, I've thought about reaching out to speak to a counselor about how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid that it will cement that there's something wrong with me, when my whole life I've been a very happy person with nothing clinically diagnosed or anything like that (generally I guess I've been a mentally healthy person? I dunno, but I'm grateful for it). I also feel guilty, because I don't hate my life; the opposite, to be honest. I'm very fortunate to have what I have, and I feel grateful for it every day, too. But I feel like if I say something, everything will change. Not the physical aspects and benefits of my life, and I know in the long term asking for help is the right thing to do, but it's terrifying nonetheless. My family has also dubbed me as 'the dramatic one,' and while it's a blessing because nobody takes me seriously when I do something kind of weird (I'm just generally an awkward person), it's also a curse because nobody takes me seriously when I do have something going on. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing, because maybe there really is nothing wrong, and my 'denial' of my situation is really not denial but the truth, but I can't help but wonder. I'm not sure if I'm one to give any advice when I can't even get my own life straightened around, but I hope that you're doing well since you've posted.

--Sierra