Always feeling like there is no point to life.

M_A_D_ · ‎12-10-2014

Hi everyone, I'm not really sure how to write exactly how I'm feeling right not, but I'll do my best.

I have always been an anxious person, even as a child, and recently I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression by my counselor. I have been seeing her for a while, and we talk about lots of things, and for a while I feel like I can get better and life can be good. But eventually I end up in the same rut. I feel like I am worthless and that life isn't worth living. I feel like the people in my life would be much better off without me, and I often wish that I could fall asleep and not wake up.

I am at university doing a degree that I find very difficult, and it just seems like all of the goals I have set myself never get achieved. I feel like I am just wasting mine and everyone else's time by being at uni and studying to only get mediocre results, despite the amount of effort I put in.

My boyfriend of two years also has a chronic illness which impacts on the interactions we have. Although I love him very much, I feel like my anxiety just makes everything worse and when I get upset or offended by something that is essentially harmless, he loses a little love for me. I am scared to lose him, because I think that before either of us 'changed' we were perfect for each other. We understood each other and we were both happy. Now, we are both very unhappy, tired, frustrated and don't do the things we used to. I feel like I am ruining this relationship and that he would just be better off without me.

I really don' t know what to do anymore, and feel like I am beyond help.

M.A.D.

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Jacko777 · ‎12-10-2014

Well I am glad you are talking about this M.A.D. You will find people on this site that will have advice, support and love.

No one is 'beyond help'. I think you could set some smaller goals that you can achieve, a university degree is a massive undertaking, well done for taking it on at all I say. I wonder what things your counselor suggests that makes you feel like 'life can be good', you need to keep these things up mate, make it a daily goal to do what it takes. I try and practice gratitude for my life every day, my health, family, home, friends, nature, etc, etc, all things that are gifted to me and bring some love to my heart.

What are you passionate about, what gets you going? This is where you need to spend your mental energy, in the things you really care about, make some long term goals related to your greatest passions then bring it back to a small doable goal for tomorrow.

I bet the people in your life want you around. Hang in there mate, things can get better. x

BenD · ‎13-10-2014

Hi M.A.D.

If you can manage university at all whilst dealing with anxiety then you deserve a big pat on the back. Having been in a similar situation with university quite often where it all feels too much, it does get better once you've handed in your work and you can look back at what you've achieved.

I think Jacko is right on the money when saying focus on the small things first. Same applies for your boyfriend. It sounds a bit self-centred but help yourself before you help each other, given the good relationship you write about it sounds like he will to understand. If he wishes - there is a forum here on BB where people with chronic illness can share their stories and look for support. I've used it a few times and found it quite helpful.

All the best,

BenD

depressed · ‎13-10-2014

Hi M.A.D

I know exactly how you feel. I too am studying, but during my degree I was failing despite all the effort. It is worth the effort, when you go for the job all they want to know is you have your degree, they don't ask what marks you got!!. But from experience the more you worry about the marks the harder it will be to get the good ones. I use to get exam phobia. I would do a 2hour exam in 30 minutes due to anxiety and then fail. I can tell you things have improved, there are still things that guarentee to set my anxiety off but I know what they are and deal with them the best can. I am about to start a new job that will be a challenge but I know I can do it, just like you can.

As far as your boyfriend I don't know the illness but maybe a chat would help, maybe with a councellor or even online like here.

Don't give up your dreams due to anxiety, don't let it win.

De

M_A_D_ · ‎13-10-2014

Dear Jacko777, BenD and De, thank you all so very much for your messages. I really appreciate your help and advice.

Jacko777, I definitely think I need to look at the smaller goals I can manage and achieve. My counsellor has suggested that I make a list of all of the ways that my boyfriend shows that he cares, because I often read too much into his behaviours and pick things to pieces, looking for some sinister meaning behind them (and also because I love lists). This has worked for a little while, but when I get very anxious, I feel like I just convince myself that things are not good, or that he doesn't want to be with me. Once I confront him about this, I realise how wrong it was for me to think that way, and then the guilt, rumination and depression sets in. My counsellor has also suggested regular meditation and I have been taking medication for a few months now as well. I will definitely try practicing gratitude. I do have passions and hobbies that I did before uni, but my degree does take up most, if not all, of my time.

M_A_D_ · ‎13-10-2014

BenD, thank you for suggesting the online forum for my boyfriend. I have also tried several times, at the beginning stage of his illness, to get him to speak to a professional about what he is going through, but he really doesn't want to, as he thinks there is ‘no use’. Hopefully being online may help him not feel so uncomfortable about expressing himself. Although I now understand that I have been a very anxious person my whole life, I do feel like the stress and heartache of seeing him go through this suffering has brought out the worst of my anxiety and depression, because I am usually the only person he talks to about his illness.

M_A_D_ · ‎13-10-2014

De, firstly congratulations on the new job! I am actually going to be graduating from my degree at the end of this year, and the thought of applying for jobs and doing interviews has my stomach churning. Thoughts like ‘I won’t be good enough’ or ‘they will all think I am a freak’ cross my mind regularly. Like you, I also know what sets off my anxieties, and at times I feel like I can actually acknowledge what they are and not let them get to me, but when I feel particularly low, the anxiety takes over. It feels like I am a completely different person, and when I finally realise that my thoughts were wrong, I feel deeply ashamed for having thought that way or saying/doing what I said/did. My dream for a very long time was to become a doctor. I love the idea of working out a problem piece by piece and I want to help others and make them feel comfortable in seeking help, no matter what their problem/s may be. My experience with my boyfriend’s illness (which is chronic prostatitis and isn’t curable), has made me realise just how little is known about this illness (and potentially many more) and my opinion of medicine has definitely changed. I know that for many illnesses, they do not have the answers, and rather than admit that they do not know how to help you, they will sometimes treat you like an experiment and put you on all sorts of drugs and then pass you onto the next health professional. I definitely want to change this. However, I feel like if I stay at university any longer, my anxiety will worsen. This is actually my second degree, so by the end of this year, I’ll have spent six years at uni. I have also sat the medicine entry exam four times and have not been offered an interview or place. Part of me feels very disappointed in myself for not getting past the first hurdle and that I should just keep trying (or just give up), but another part of me feels like maybe this wasn’t meant to be. It is hard to know what to believe and what direction to take, because I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

Jacko777 · ‎13-10-2014

Thanks for sharing M.A.D.

Perhaps you could start a list of all the career opportunities that you could qualify for...you obviously have a deep passion for the medical profession, think outside the box, where can it take you? Better to make a wrong decision than no decision, success is just a series of failures. You can still be Doctor M.A.D.

I heard another good quote that I like...'All unhappiness is caused by a chord that sounded long ago or a chord that is yet to happen.' We get so worked up about something that happened ages ago or something that might never happen! It takes the realisation that we are wasting our energy in something we cannot control. We need to live in the moment and meditation will help you heaps to train your brain to focus. It is the practice of meditation that will bring you results, not just the perfection of it. I know it is hard to justify meditation when you are busy but that is when it is most important!

I guess you spoke to your counselor about 'picking things to pieces'. I imagine that this is due to a life event or mind conditioning, or in other words, this is not the real you, but how you were brought up and what examples were set for you. You can change this, it will take practice but you can make it better. Have compassion for your self, practice keeping love in your heart.

This rollercoaster that you are on can be worked on. You need some new lists! The good things about your life, your boyfriend, your future career...make it a goal to go over your lists each day, might only take a few minutes, make some new pathways in your mind, strictly of love, peace and happiness. And I understand that you have little or no time for your hobbies, but they might be just the thing that gives you the energy to get through, more eggs in your basket.

Love to you.

Flex · ‎14-10-2014

Did you know there is medication available through you doctor for Anxiety? Which would help dramatically. Also try setting some smaller goals which are achievable in the short term to help you feel better about yourself, and life line are great to talk to on the phone about anything your going through. Otherwise some bulk billed face to face counselling would be very beneficial and private. Maybe a little time apart to give each other some time & space to work on the self help but I think its wonderful you've nurtured the relationship this far don't give up before having a look what sort of helps out there first. Hope this helps..

Kind regards,

Flex

BenD · ‎15-10-2014

Hi again M.A.D.

I understand why your boyfriend may think there is 'no use' seeking professional help. It must be very hard for both him and you to deal with. The truth is that while the pscyh/counsellor/doctor won't understand exactly what he is going through, they can show him that there is actually light at the end of the tunnel, and even show him the pathway to get there.

I also read that you've spent 6 years at uni? Wow, solid effort! And finished a degree already? What an achievement. I'm coming up to year 5 (having tried a bunch of things) and still don't know what to do. I like Jacko's quote "success is just a series of failures".

In the mean time, here's a video I stumbled upon today which might illustrate how helpful mindfulness can be:

All the best,

Ben