Hi,
I just found this frantically mid tears trying to find some help so forgive me if it's not 'normal'
So I had a really bad day at school today, and it was really just exemplifying how I've felt for the last three years at school, and I want to know if there actually is something wrong or if I'm just being a sook or something.
Firstly, since year nine I've always felt very alone, all my friends have boyfriends and they all sit in one big group (literally everyone is in relationships bare 3 extra boys) and since year nine I've always tried to tag along and fit in with them.
The problem is I never do, I love the girls and feel completely normal and comfortable around them, it's just the boys that I get so scared and nervous about. I'm constantly fretting and sweating and getting all red because i'm worried about what they're thinking of me and if they really hate me and don't want me there at all, so in the end I spend the whole time not speaking and waiting for the bell to go.
Anyway so it got to a point this year when I just couldn't go over there anymore, I started studying in the library everyday, before school,during recess and lunch and that's where I still am 4 months on, only it's not just them anymore now it's the entire school I feel sick at the thought of walking into the atrium (cafeteria) and having everyone even look at me for a second. I know you're probably thinking wow what a melodramatic teenager, and yes i'm sorry about that.
Today one of my girlfriends from that group sat with me and wants me to come back but the thought of that actually shakes me to tears, I can't even imagine how I would go down and face everyone.
Secondly, I've realised over the years that I avoid all public confrontation with anyone , this is as simple as a good morning to teachers or a wave to someone I know in public (I usually hide so they can't see me, or leave wherever I am immediately), I avoid everyone at all costs and don't even get me started on talking to strangers. I also never speak out in classes, and fret about social situations like a party for ageeees leading up to it.
So even if this isn't anxiety can anyone help me? I'm starting to become a little desperate and upset I just want to feel as confident as everyone else talking to people but the idea just sends shivers down my spine and makes my palms sweaty.
Again sorry for being a sook.
