Alone

[peppa-p]

Hi. I need someone's help who understands. I'm a 20 year old girl and I have never felt more alone. All of my friends are in serious relationships and I have been left alone. My sister who used to be my best friend is now in a relationship and had no time for me. My two other close friends are in relationships and have no time for me at all either. My dad is always at work and my mum is off doing her own thing. I try to talk to my mum about how to be positive and what not and she says I'm either being dramatic or she's sick of hearing me complain. I hate myself so much. I hate my body, how I look, the fact that I don't have many friends that have time for me  and just every single thing about myself. I am so grateful for having a loving family that provide me with love and support but it just seems like  no one understands or cares.  My friends are always talking about how lucky they are and how they woulds not know what to do without their boyfriends. I hate where I work, it's a dead end bar job, I hate going to work, I hate the sleezy old customers that talk down on me and I just hate waking up every single morning. I have started with a personal trainer to try and feel better about myself but all it does is makes me feel worse because I'm so unfit. I try to do things by myself but it makes me realise how alone I am. I can not go on like this anymore. I honestly feel like I have no purpose in life and everyone else is just leaving me behind to do their own thing. I've had one boyfriend two years ago now who was horrible to me hence why I broke it off and ever since then I haven't been able to find anyone that enjoys my company. I just don't know what to do. How do you be positive in order to make changes? How to you accept the way things are and get on with it without thinking so much about negative things? I honestly feel like I would end my life if it wasn't for what I would out my family through. I feel like I'm not meant to be here. I have no purpose. 

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[AGrace]

Hi peppa-p,

I dont think ive seen or responded to a post of yours, so firstly welcome to the BB community.

Plenty of us started out posting on this forum because we felt the same or at least similar to you. By saying this I hope you feel a little less alone. 

Sharing your feelings is by no means being dramatic or complaining. If you feel like no one is listening at home then feel free to share with us. No doubt there will be heaps of people willing to listen and provide you with support.

The fact that your sister and your friends dont make time for you, have you had an opportunity to speak to them about this? I'd definitely try to communicate this with them, they may not realise how its impacting you.

Your job... are you working at this bar whilst studying? Are you currently seeking other jobs? If you resigned before finding another job would your parents help you financially for a while? Perhaps working elsewhere would give you the chance to create new friendships. I also wonder if your work is interfering with your quality of sleep? 

Half the population probably fits into the unfit category, myself included, so I understand how you feel about the personal trainer. If your intent is to feel better about yourself its probably more useful just to spend some time doing things that you enjoy that you are good at. Walking, yoga, doing a zumba class at the gym? (Group classes can also give you a chance to meet new people).

Its completely understandable why you broke up with your last boyfriend,  and having him treat you poorly probably didn't help your self esteem much. You're still young,  you have plenty of time to find a boyfriend. It may not feel like it right now but being single gives you time to just spoil yourself without having to worry about another person.

In terms of how to get positive and stay that way, to not feel so worthless, or alone, or lonely I'm guessing that everyone on this forum would say you do this with help and support.  Have you considered the BB contactline or web chat, it may also be worthwhile making an appointment with your GP who can refer you to a specialist. Id strongly urge you to seek some additional help, especially if you're having suicidal or other unhelpful thoughts. Dont go through this alone when there are plenty of people who can help you. 

I hope you will reach out to us again, and I have no doubt that others on this site will want to offer you guidance because we all care about you.

AGrace

[Struggler]

Hi peppa-p 

   

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for trusting us enough to share your feelings.   I can relate to some of your experience.  I also worked in a bar when I was 20 and I fully understand what you mean about the sleazy customers.  I used to get asked out all the time.  Instead of feeling flattered, I found it very demeaning and degrading.  I also had to witness punch ups in front of my very eyes when customers got drunk.  Bouncers beat up the drunken customers was not a healthy sight for a young 20 year old.   

I can see you are a young woman of backbone and courage and you really try to better your life.  You ended the relationship with your ex-boyfriend because he treated you badly.  Now, that shows confidence and self esteem.  Believe me, many people rather stay in an abusive relationship than being alone.  Perhaps no one has told you how brave you were when you ended this relationship.  You ought to be congratulated for such courage and I really admire you for that.   

Another positive you started for yourself is physical training.  That is just another example that you are not just a bum and a whinger.   Do you do that in a gym?  It is a good place.  Try and find a gym that young people your age frequent.  You might make some friends of both genders.       

Struggler 

To be continued

[Struggler]

Hi peppa-p

Now, I want to talk about your job.  Bar work is not a career and you’ve already known that.  You have to do it for some money for the time being.  Actually you can find work in another industry if you want.   What I am getting at is this:  Plan for a career.  Examine what you like and good at.  For example if you like caring for people, maybe nursing?  I believe you can do enrolled nursing in TAFE or registered nurse in uni.  This is just an example.  You have to find out what you want.  

Once you have decided in consultation with your family and career counselor, then set the plan in motion.  You will be so occupied and purposeful that you won’t have time to bother with other people.   

Your girlfriends have boyfriends but one day they’ll break up with the boys and come crawling back to you with tails between their legs.  You’ll say to them, “Sorry, I have more important thing to do.  I am studying to be a big shot and I am nearly there.”   

Girl with a plan:  Do you know that a girl with a plan is very attractive to boys?  Yes it is.  You will meet nice boys along the way when you least expect it.   

Putting it in perspective, you have a loving family and living at home.  Therefore there should not be too much trouble if you take up study.  You family will be so pleased and they will support you because they love you.  You are in the driver's seat.  Love to read your next post and take care.  

Struggler

[LouiseAz]

You are so not alone, trust me! I really understand what you're feeling, things with me started off so similar except my friends were still available and so gel I just felt alone I with them in the sense that they 'didn't get why I was sad, what do I have to be sad about, people have it so much worse' so I did feel pretty alienated from them in terms of that. And a bad verbally abusive boyfriend at the time who just constantly brought me down, so I understand definetly. 

The job part can change so much, I hated my job absolutely hated every minute and I do really believe that it contributed to my depression. Sitting there day in day out hating where you are will definetly do that, so even though changing jobs or starting study might not seem like a huge deal, I really think it helps. So what do you want to do? Are there any courses that you would want to study, think of these things and start researching it- if anything it will distract you a little at the least and sometimes a distraction can really help get you through a shitty moment. 

Would you see a counsellor? The biggest step I ever took was making myself go to a counsellor and honestly I don't know where I would be without her, it sounds like you really need someone to listen to you, and there are really great counsellors out there. I felt like mine became a friend when I felt like my others had left me(sounds cheesy but it's really true) 

[HelenM]

Hi Peppa p

I'm 54 now and I wouldn't be your age again for anything. And really for the reasons you mention. I was bored in my job. My best friends had boyfriends. I felt I'd never find love and that life was awful.

Things do change though. However you will need to make some changes. Struggler suggests looking towards a career and that makes sense. Another idea is to look at a group you could join, ie a hobby or study. The more you broaden your horizons the more openings to life you'll find.

I'm not suggesting it's easy. I left to do nursing (it was psychiatric nursing and I hated it). However I met my first husband there and went on to have two children and become a person who made friends easily. My depression - well that wasn't meant to happen. 

Probably your friends aren't as happy as they say. The older I get the more I realise that most people put on a face.

Take care, Helen