Alone and afraid to ask for help

[BellaI]

I am afraid to ask for help and yet I've fallen accustomed to the black dog and letting him control my thoughts.

It feels like a heavy set of waves that keep rolling in, and you're the swimmer drowning wanting to catch a breath.

I have a steady job, I do what I love, and yet I still feel this way because I'm so alone and it feels easier to be gone than to continue this drowning feeling

[Croix]

Dear BellaI~

Welcome here to the Forum. You are right about one thing, depression takes over. I genuinely thought I was a failure, that all was hopeless, there was no possibility of things getting better. Not worth bothering with. And so exhausted nothing left - a bit like your drowning feeling perhaps.

Well, I was completely wrong. I found that those thoughts were not really mine, but depression skewing my thinking until it was all the wrong way round. To start with I did not even realize depression could do that.

I was afraid of asking for help as it might mean I lost my job. So I hung on, which was a bad move. I kept going until I was no longer able to function, then lost my job anyway and had a very much harder time of it than if I had been getting treatment from when I should.

So please don't make my mistake. You have a job, and you love what you do. In your shoes I'd see my GP and set it all out, it can be the start of a better life. Without therapy and Meds I would never have improved.

I was lucky in one way, my partner was there for me, and while she did not actually understand what was in my head, she cared and helped as well as she could (which was a lot), it made a big difference.

You may think it easier to be gone, in fact just getting it out in the open with a doctor or a loved one makes a big difference, a huge weight shared.

Would you like to say some more about yourself? How long you have felt this way, if anything is making things worse at the moment, if you have family, someone you trust. When talking to someone it does help to know about them, makes for a more sensible conversation, a starting point.

You did say it can seem to be easier to be gone, which is something I have felt too. May I suggest that when you feel overwhelmed or frightened of what you might do that you contact someone. The sound of a caring competent human voice makes a difference. You can use our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) which I particularly recommend.

I hope you feel confident enough to come back and talk some more

Croix

[jc2000]

Hi Bellal,

I know what you mean when youre talking about the waves and feeling like your drowning but seeing no logical explanation for that feeling. I've been there quite a few times and i also know the fear of reaching out. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety on my own, locked away in my room for 3 years and only just recently reached out for help, and i will admit i was petrified for thousands of reasons.

I don't know if my advice, or my words will help that much considering I'm a tad inexperienced being only 17, but what I've found that helps is telling myself that whatever sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, any negative feeling I have, any horrible thoughts, urges, beliefs; they are all temporary.
these feelings aren't going to last forever, and I think that's something that you have to remember, even if it feels like you've felt like that for so long.
see, I view my depressive phases sort of like I'm throwing myself in a pit, and it's real crap down there, it's a pit that makes me feel like i can't escape. but all i have to remember is that it's just a pit, and that the pit is temporary, the pain is temporary, and i just need to be strong enough to hold on till i'm out of it.

I know it's something that can be hard to remember, especially when I'm at my worst, but it is something that you need to remember.

these waves that you feel, that wash over you; it's just one wave and it'll be gone soon enough and one day the waters will calm and you'll be alright, you just got to keep fighting until then.

I really do encourage you to reach out for some help. do you have a close friend or family member that you can talk to? Could you go talk to a GP and get a referral for a psychologist or something like that? I know it seems scary, and it is at first, but it should help you in the long run.

I hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

[monkey_magic]

Hi Bellal,

Id like to welcome you to beyond blue and thankyou for your description of depression because that's exactly how it feels. You are definitely not alone because Croix, jc2000 and I have all experienced that as well. Croix and jc2000 have written excellent responses and solutions that I hope you'll think about and take on board, I know it's helped me.

It doesn't last though does it. I mean we have that "drowning"feeling but it passes and that is the great thing it actually passes. I find that my head is " above water again" until the next "drowning" feeling. One day I said to myself you still have good moments, and I live for those. Depression definitely skews the thinking but we don't have to listen because just like the weather it changes.

Sometimes we need medication, to implement change, change our environment, or give it time.

Thankyou again for sharing and I wish u a lot of luck in hanging in there and riding those waves. So far there are three others and many many more that have ridden/are still riding those waves so you aren't alone. Please write some more we understand.