Aaaannd… it happened again… :)

[Squirrellesque]

Yep, it's Sunday morning and I haven't slept since… well, Saturday morning. I tried to go to bed. But it's not even that I just can't sleep. I'm tired and I would sleep if I stopped actively trying to keep myself awake. No, I'm scared of sleeping. Most likely because I'm afraid of waking up

I've been suffering from some kind of depression/anxiety for a while now. School fell apart in grade 10 when I started failing assignments I was working hard on – after being a straight A student without even trying. But I gave up trying and started hiding from it. Like I'm hiding from… something now? I'm not sure what. I'm really good at dealing with anxiety but I can't get rid of it. I know how to survive. I know all my escape routes, and I know which song to loop when to keep my stress down. But I can't live like this. I've just started a full time job a week ago and I can't afford to be sleep-deprived. My boss is already a little unhappy with me (he jumps to conclusions and thinks I'm a genius and not at the same time) but I know I won't be able to cope long without enough sleep. I only just got through last week.

So, why Sunday morning is the worst? My family hosts a house church meeting in our home every Sunday morning. It's not many – our family alone more often than not makes up more than half of the group. There are only three regular others. But I can't rectify what anyone believes with what I see. Not my family, not our visitors, not anyone else in the world I know of. And because I'm terribly confused about so much I start asking questions that can't be answered. Existential questions, mainly, I just think like that. But they've been gnawing at me for so long and there's no one I can ask. I don't have many friends, and only one of them has similar beliefs. I can only talk with her through email, and that isn't enough. And she can't always answer my questions. There are people I can get in contact with, but I have so little spare time with this work that I'd have to have to lose a significant amount of sleep, most likely. The weekends are always busy.

But I guess I just need to be able to sleep. What if I can't tonight again, and I'm running two or more days of sleep lost when I show up for work? My brain will be mush. Why can't I just let myself sleep?

[stormcloudz]

Hi Squirrellesque

That's a really interesting post with lots in it.

Let me start with the existential questions. I was raised in a standard Christian family, but like you, I had a lot of questions. I have tried hard to believe but it doesn’t work for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff too. I think a lot of people do, you are definitely not alone with this. There is a whole field of study that explores the big questions of life, and perhaps when you get more time you would be interested in studying philosophy or comparative religion. (You can do subjects at uni, but there are also plenty of short courses in community colleges, or online).

In relation to the sleeplessness, I'm not sure what's going on for you. But it's not uncommon to have the occasional sleepless night. Try to take the pressure off yourself and remember it's OK if you miss some sleep. You'll feel crappy but a couple of days is OK. Take the pressure off at work as well - even if you don't perform at your peak, it's a time in your career where there is not too much expectation, right? It's OK not to be perfect. Just keep in mind that there are probably plenty of people your age who are staying out all night deliberately : ). If the sleeplessness is ongoing and continual, drop by your doctor to have it checked out. There are a couple of (treatable) reasons that people have trouble sleeping.

In relation to the anxiety and your grades at school, I think that's where I am particularly curious about what's going on. What is your theory on why you started to have trouble in year 10?

It's great that you have techniques for managing the anxiety, that's really important. Are you also interested in getting some support to understand why the anxiety arises in the first place?

Hope you are feeling OK and manage to get some rest : ) Please post whenever you feel like it : )

[quirkywords]

Squirellesque

Welcome to the forum. thanks for your post.

Stormcloudz has written a helpful reply.

There are some good threads on sleep you can write in the search box at the top of the page and look at these threads that have tips about sleep.

For me going on the computer in the middle of the night when one can’t sleep, is not a good idea as it wakes me up and does not help me sleep.

I also like thinking and asking difficult questions and listening to answers.

thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

[stormcloudz]

Hi Squirrellesque, how are you doing now?

[stormcloudz]

Hi Squirrellesque, how are you doing now? How is your sleep?

[Squirrellesque]

Hey stormcloudz,

Thanks for you reply, I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I opened the website a few times but then just couldn't continue on to the forums. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm sick of calling for help when I don't really want to do anything about where I am, I feel like a hypocrite when I do that, useless, why do I even try?

I can't remember what exact night I posted that. But… things happened. It only got worse. I tore a laptop in two and refused to show up to the job, because I no longer had the tool I needed to complete my work – the laptop. And then I've gone back and forth between sleeping and not sleeping. Motivation and no motivation. Getting a lot done and then nothing. I got baptised and then it's felt like I've been giving my life more and more to the devil – I've been deliberately using words to hurt others, I've been refusing to be a good person in general. Except I haven't. There are two different versions of me. Me when there are people around and me when there are no people around. The me when people are around is productive, positive, or at least he tries.

It's not that I can't sleep. Well, technically, maybe. But it's more that I won't let myself, I've realised. I don't know why. But I'm deliberately trying to keep myself awake. Almost as if I'm afraid of something, maybe, but no, it feels like I'm looking for something. I don't know what. It's not something I find in anything . I'd say that maybe having no laptop for a couple days let me reset. Maybe. But I lived on my phone and in bed those three days while my new laptop shipped. I'd only just started facing life again on the third day. And for a while I was productive. Then that died. again.

High-school, I don't know. The turning point, I remember, was a certain english assignment where I had to add a scene to a play, and justify its necessity. But I couldn't work out a scene that wouldn't make the play worse. I remember sitting in class as my classmates presented listing reasons why their justifications were wrong, in fact, were reasons against adding the scene. Eventually I did come up with something – on the night after I was supposed to present. I got a D for that assignment. Until then I'd aced everything (apart from psychology exams that I literally couldn't write fast enough in) without even trying. On this, I tried, and I failed. It kept happening. I gave up.

This is too long but… I fear that next time, it won't be my laptop - it'll be me.

~Squirrel

[Squirrellesque]

I don't know why I don't sleep. On good days I don't sleep. On bad days I don't. On mediocre days I don't. On all of them I might. Sometimes I don't try. Sometimes I try to not try. Mostly, if I'm sincerely wanting to sleep I will. There's rarely an exception. Most nights I get to sleep somewhere between midnight and three, if not before ten. Some nights it's as late as 5am. But it's getting worse. It's accompanied by doing things for instant gratification that I hate myself for doing. IN the grand scheme of things, they're not bad, but they are compared to who I used to be. Things like sneaking lollies from the cupboard (which I don't even like, actually), ragequitting in games, and even insulting people for little to no reason. I never do that, in fact I drive myself mad trying to avoid insulting people. I'm finding it harder and harder to speak to my best friend (who is also a pen-pal) because, well… could you keep up telling someone every day how you're a worse person than the previous and are not doing anything about it? And don't want to do anything about it? Or at least not want to do it?

Oh and I just realised tomorrow is Sunday, and that's even worse because I'm baptised now. This what I do: I have good days and I set a standard which I have to keep to. And which I can break.

I have to go. ~

[Squirrellesque]

Oh. That was the morning before I destroyed my laptop, that I sent the first post.

[Squirrellesque]

Actually I have a bit more time…

It's just that, I go on the computer to keep myself awake when there's nothing else to, and when I can get away with it. Not that I ever get away with it. There's always a cost.

Sometimes it's like I don't have a purpose. But I do. I've just given up. And then I haven't given up, and then I have. I've barely the will to try at the moment. Except I'm typing this so apparently I do??? This is what I don't get. I do want to, but somehow not enough to do anything about it. My room is a mess. My left leg is almost completley numb - I cna't move or feel my foot because of the way I've been sitting (plus I haven't drunk nearly enough water today).

On that, there were a few days a bit ago where I had a spotless room. But that's exactly what started this dive, I think. I was possibly on hte highest point I've been on in… years, maybe. I was going well out of my way to be helpful, and on top of everything I needed to be on top of. Life was under control. And then… I decided it wasn't worth it, and one by one I stopped doing things. At least it's better than wher eI was at school – doing absolutely nothing constantly. I used to toy with the idea that I had bipolar but it's never a thing that a psychologist would see. Unfortunately I've learned that psychologists don't like it when you say negative things, or that you've been having negative thoughts. So I just can't. It's like I'm a completely different person in the clinic/whateverit'scalled than I am outside. And I start to become like this with my friends, I learn that my negative thoughts are hard for them to cope with and so I just stop voicing them. It's not that I"m ashamed of them with my friends, at least I don't think so, it's more that I just don't want to burden it with them. I'm still trying to help them when I"m dying on the inside. Sometimes I reach out for help, when I can work out how to do it withuot being negative. But…

I don't know. I just… don't know.

~Squirrel

[Ggrand]

Hello Squirrellesque,

I was just browsing BB forums and came accross your thread,

I can relate some to not being able to sleep and at times not wanting to sleep..Do you meditate at night before bed? I do every night but I don't stop at that, after the meditation I will leave my earphones in and off course un plug the charger then I find an instrumental to listen to, then I select one instrument only and follow that instrument through the song, sometimes I'll fall asleep sometimes not, if not I'll start again, but something new on the thread called...."Sleep" has me trying that..counting backwards from 1000 x 3s, this has worked as well, but sometimes takes a while.....the idea Squirrell is you have to try to keep your mind away from negative thoughts, and really concentrate on what your selected Sleep aide and try to have 100% focus on it..if your mind wanders, gentle return to the instrumental,counting backwards or whatever you selected to use..

I struggle with BP1 Rapid cycling,Depression/Anxiety/C-PTSD...my mind and thoughts are usually not really good with the c ptsd..so I'm constantly trying to diverting my thoughts consciously 24/7..

I feel once you start to get into a regular sleeping routine you might start to feel a little better...my thought only..

Do you have any professional help, if not I'm wondering if you could talk to your gp and tell him/her how your fears and how your feeling..then your gp might give you meds and refer you to a psych......maybe you could give this a try..

I wish you only the best for you squirrell, and I hope today is a good day for you, with some light shining through for you..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy...