Turning and turning in the widening gyre

[LarkAscending]

Hi everyone. I'm glad to have found an active forum where people are able to support each other! I look forward to sharing your journeys.

A bit about me - I'm a man in my early 40s. I had low mood and a lot of shyness as a teenager/adolescent but I never realised it was something that could be changed - I thought it was just how things were, and my job was to 'grin and bear it'. Things really fell apart emotionally in my mid 20s, which led me to my GP, 15 years of psychoanalysis (yes, it cost a bomb!) and most of the anti-depressants out there.

I guess it all had an impact because I had half a dozen pretty good years socially (women finally noticing me and so on!) and career-wise. In fact, I found myself in a high-powered job at a very fast-growing company. It was my big break and I was determined not to waste it. I worked six days a week for a couple of years and thoroughly broke myself. I ended up not being able to think straight, be productive, or really enjoy much at all. At one point, I remember googling 'what is it like to be jaded?' I ended up being demoted but stuck around for another couple of years trying to recover the situation. I'm not good at recognising when I should cut my losses and walk away.. I put up with a lot of suffering because I think it's going to get better in the future.

I left the company after eight years and took six months to travel the world and try to fix some physical health problems I had. Couldn't work out what to do after that, so I went back to uni part time. I'm currently in the process of failing my subjects because I can't concentrate properly, or stay motivated. (It's not like this is what I've always wanted to do, or anything like that)

I've got no partner or kids, although I want both. I've ended every relationship I've had after a year or two because I didn't have a sense that 'this was the person for me'. Leaves me kind of isolated though - my friends are all married with kids, or single and bad influences.

I've got a new therapist and a psychiatrist, and have been working through every common and not-so-common depression and anxiety drug out there. Trying to construct a life that's worth living instead of just going through the motions!

So, that's me. I'm glad to be here.

[White_Rose]

Hello

Love the name but it's a bit long for casual use here, uses too many characters. Can we have a short name no matter if it is yours or not. A warm welcome to the forum.

I am sad that you wore yourself out for a company that does not appear to appreciate your skills. It's very hard to take especially to be demoted. A six month trip sounds like the perfect antidote.

I had a huge problem taking SSRI antidepressants. Like you I went from pill to pill all with horrible side effects. That's not fun. My current AD is from the tricyclic antidepressants, one of the first meds for depression. It can also be used for pain management. It works very well for me.

Do you talk to your therapist about your relationships? It may be useful to explore why they end after two years together.

I'm so pleased to greet you here. I'm certain you will have lots to offer.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TheGettingOfWisdom~

I'd like to join Mary in welcoming you here and agree that name is a bit of a mouthful. I guess it is something that appeals to you , maybe Eastern religions do too as you chose the Om Aum as your avatar.

Reading about your life it looks like you have a great deal of strength and determination when you think it important, your efforts in that company show that. Also you have in you an ability to recover which you successfully did in your 20's.

In a way it seems a pity you chose uni as it does not sound as if it is working, and that might come down to the fact either you do not enjoy it or don't find it important/relevant to you at the moment. I went down the same path in my late teens and wasted my time attending uni when I was not ready for it, like you no motivation. Many years later it was a totally different story and I did well.

Failing at anything has it's own effect on a person, and I suspect your current study experiences are not doing you any good. Have you considered at least temporarily cutting your losses and looking for anything you would either enjoy or feel worth-while enough to try hard at?

You do sound very capable and as Mary says could offer a lot in the right situation.

Like Mary and yourself I've been trialed on a great many medications over the years and have finally found a regime that suits me, is effective and does not seem to have side effects. I guess perseverance can work.

I've no real idea about relationships ending as I've been very fortunate, may I ask if this is an instinct for you , or a more reasoned opinion, that things are not going to work?

Croix

[LarkAscending]

Hi Mary,

thanks for your thoughtful response!

Do you mean TheGettingOfWisdom? I don't know if they'll let me change that.. I could re-register under a different name though.

I was lucky enough to respond really well to SSRI/SNRIs in my 20s - they were life-changing, in fact. But they did come with nasty side effects. They also don't seem to be doing much this time around. My psych has a mental flowchart he works through - I'm sure I'll get to the TCAs eventually! (well, I hope I don't need to, but you know what I mean). I'm also getting curious about transcranial magnetic stimulation - it's sort of become supported by science without ever becoming mainstream for some reason.

I do talk about my relationships ad nauseum :-). That, and work, when I had it. (I probably didn't mention that.. no clear career options right now.) There's a Rumi line that knocked me flat when I saw it, because I think it describes my issue well. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” If I don't feel safe/ok within myself, adding a partner isn't going to fix it. I think that's where I've gotten stuck for the last 10 years.

[LarkAscending]

Hey Croix,

thanks for your thoughtful response. Uni was definitely a hail mary kind of option when I didn't know what else to do. The company I was part of starting is now very successful and I don't know how to follow that up. (I'm lucky not to have financial problems because of that, but the mind is its own place). I've started transcranial magnetic stimulation this week, which I'm very excited about. It seems to align with the neuroscience of the MBSR course I've done - that we can learn to downregulate our limbic system when it gets out of control and lead more stable lives. You kind of have to give up on free will to buy into that hope, but I'm ok with that trade off. There's a peace and acceptance that comes along with that.

I have been extremely productive and can be charismatic in the right situations. When I believe in what I'm doing, the whole world wants to jump on board. I have what I call my 'messiah complex' - I have to save the world. When I'm on task, I'm unstoppable and people are drawn to it. But when I'm lost, it's a different story.

Uni is actually pretty interesting when it's presented by the right people. I want to understand how the world works so I can change it for the better. It's just that, in the light of human mortality, and not having a partner to share with or kids to raise, studying economics or accounting doesn't really measure up. I don't have the top couple of items on my bucket list and nothing else can make up for that.

[therising]

Hi LarkAscending

Wow, you sound like a super-in-touch person (the Rumi quote, alternative therapy, longing to change the world, etc). I imagine you to be a bit of a fellow philosopher. I offer a few points to ponder:

1. I'm currently being held spellbound by an easy to read magnificent book called 'Becoming supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza (I love his work). The book combines the body/mind/energy concept beautifully, covering things like neuroplasticity and epigenetics which I think you'd find interesting on your quest. Epigenetics is a truly fascinating topic when it comes to getting to know yourself. We're basically super powerful people without an instruction manual. 'Becoming Supernatural' is a great manual in my opinion.
2. I once heard a quote which I love (in regard to career choice) - 'Don't ask 'What do I want to do? Instead ask 'Who do I want to be?'' To give you an idea as to what I mean, my daughter who's in year 10 recently mentioned she had no idea what career path/subjects to choose, for next year. I mentioned the quote to her and reminded her that she has always been a caring natural born leader of sorts. I asked what she would love to invest her natural born leadership qualities into. Politics, teaching (leading children), life coach, etc? She has decided she wants to lead people into a healthy state of mental well-being. Now all her chosen subjects revolve around psychology. So LA, who do you want to be? Do you literally want to be a world changer? Do you want to work for World Vision, Amnesty International or something along those lines? Look into something that inspires you to be yourself - something that fuels your passion. If you're a finance wiz who's looking for the humanitarian angle, throwing yourself into the accounting side of an Aid establishment such as those mentioned is like having the best of both worlds. Imagine being surrounded by like-minded people day after day.
3. Relationships...hmmm. I have found that people who inspire each other's EVOLution are mutually in LOVE. Yes, in evolution love is found. Investing in your own evolution is about loving yourself. Partners who evolve together are ones who regularly add ventures to their relationship. So the question becomes not so much about the length of time people are together, it's about the adventure and growth. Adding kids means sharing the adventures even more.

LA, you sound like you've got all the pieces of the puzzle, you're just looking for a way to put it all together.

[Croix]

Dear LarkAscending~

Not a bad change of name, either Meredith or Williams would seem appropriate I guess:)

Having a mission and getting others to follow is in some ways easy, provided you have that inborn seed of charisma inside then it may just all flow along and seem the most imortant work possible, confirmed by so many taking it on as a result of your efforts.

It may well be important, however I doubt anyone lives at that level all their life and trying to adjust to the rest can be hard. There may be no sense of mission, and no confirmation from others, plus the boost of such success in absent.

Building for those more ordinary times does take skill and luck, plus trial and error. While I've no way to know perhaps the sense of having to further a goal has stopped you from seeing the worth in prospective partners as they might not share it. Alternatively if they did succumb to your 'messiah complex' then you might see them in a lesser light. Dunno if any of that either make sense or is appropriate.

Those times without purpose do need to be nurtured and I think one most important way is to do things simply because you enjoy them, not because they are part of a master plan to get somewhere, world-altering or not. If economics or accounting at this stage seems dry and relies upon the abilities of the presenter to bring it to life would something else be better - English literature, or the history of music spring to mind from your username.

Relationships (plus kids) do happen, and someone enjoying life is a magnet.

I've waffled on, anything strike a bell?

Croix