A wife and Mum of 3 needing help

[Tayellcia]

My husband had recently been diagnosed with OCD with secondary depression and his doctor has changed his meds.. so he is weaning off the old ones and he is going through withdrawals, I have no idea of what he is going through meantally and I don’t want to sound selfish but i am struggling with trying to be his rock and be there to support my three beautiful girls (9,5&3) who have no idea why daddy is so angry all the time. Why they are always in trouble, They see him get angry at me over little things or over nothing every day and we are only at week two. I try to hide it from them but he is a ticking time bomb at the moment and goes off when ever over what ever.

My husband always asks why the kids are scared of him and I don’t know what to tell him with out him getting angry and feeling worthless. I have tried to explain to the kids what’s happening with daddy and I find my self crying in the shower or going for a walk to cry it out as I don’t want him to see me crying as I don’t want to make him feel worse. I feel like I am loosing my husband and I don’t know how to support him I find I am always walking on egg shells, what do I do? How can I help him? How do I keep my family from falling apart? Please help!!

[geoff]

hello Tayellcia, thanks for posting your comment.

I feel very sorry for what's been happening, as I too have OCD, but I'm wondering whether your husband has OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) although I'm not qualified to say, only a professional can make that diagnosis.

People with OCPD can have enormous anxiety and they always want to be perfect and don't like to be wrong, especially being opposed to.

As he is being weaned off medication is always a hard time, not only for him but also to his family and perhaps you need to look after yourself as well and benefit from some counselling.

This can be done when your doctor offers to give you a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free counselling sessions per year.

Have a look at the definition of OCPD compared to OCD and I'd really like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[JessF]

Hello Tayellcia, you are sounding very helpless at the moment. It is not selfish at all to be wondering how you are supposed to cope with raising three young children in the presence of an emotionally volatile husband - illness or not, the effect is the same. The children are terrified of daddy, and it sounds that to an extent so are you.

While mental ill health can sometimes provide an explanation for poor behaviour, it does not excuse that poor behaviour. It is perfectly acceptable for you to draw boundaries around what you will and won't accept.

It may be that it will be difficult for your husband to hear that the children are frightened because he appears to be angry all the time. But avoiding this discussion will not make it go away. Facing the fact that, at the moment, he is unwell and has a reduced capacity for coping may help you set some new boundaries together and perhaps make him feel less of a burden. If he had a broken leg, then he wouldn't be expected to run a marathon. It is the same with a mental illness.

That said, I don't think it is helpful for you to be focusing too much on trying to diagnose your husband's illness. There are already doctors doing that. Perhaps the most important thing to realise is that keeping your family together shouldn't just be your responsibility. It is also your husband's. You can help him by helping yourself and getting extra support, seeing a doctor or a psychologist yourself, enlisting other family members or friends to help out with the children and giving you some respite. Some time alone together as a couple, but also some time alone just for yourself.

It's a difficult ride you're on, but taking care of yourself along the way will make sure you have the strength to get through.

[Doolhof]

Hi Tayellcia,

Welcome to the community here. The situation you are in does sound difficult. As someone who has needed to withdraw medication and change over, I know a little of what you and your husband are experiencing.

Is it possible for you to have a joint appointment with your Dr where you can discuss these withdrawal effects. The Dr may be able to prescribe your husband something to help calm him down during the transition period.

The Beyondblue web site has a lot of information, including how to support someone with depression. It may be beneficial to use the telephone help service 1300 22 4636 and enquire how you can help your husband, your children and yourself.

Please know you are more than welcome to share how you are feeling here. Hopefully you will find it beneficial to know other people have experienced similar and are willing to listen, to validate and acknowledge what you are experiencing.

Libraries have so many resources as well, you may like to ask if they have any books aimed at assisting children to help understand depression.

Walking on egg shells is not pleasant. Hope you find an opportunity to chat openly with your husband.

All the best, cheers from Dools