Toxic relationship with ex

[Dynamic_Donna]

Hi There, I have borderline personality disorder and I went through a 16 year toxic/ narcissist relationship. Ended over a year ago. She has moved on & off course the most perfect relationship. For me. I am struggling to move on. Constant over thinking. New job and a new location. That I am not happy in. So a pretty bad year.

I think just to much to deal with & finding it a bit overwhelming. Wanting to attend Uni next year. It's like I have taken on to much but also wanting to change my life. Given I am 47. I felt like I needed to do something different. My ex moved on relatively quick.

So in a year I have had to go through alot of changes. My confidence has been rocked by everything. I know move on. I have lost 25 kilos. I think I just have a over whelming doubt in myself. Not to find someone. I am not ready for that. Even though people tell me - move on. I am. But I am so worried that I will attract another narcissist. I want to get myself in a better place first.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dynamic Donna,

I feel you’re clearly going through a very rough time. You sound lost and maybe you feel mentally “stuck.”

Breakups are generally painful. Also, I think a narcissistic partner can really erode a person’s sense of identity and self. Narcissists can cause a lot of damage, even long after the relationship has ended...

I wonder if maybe there’s a part of you that feels hurt and “left behind” that your ex was able to start a new relationship so soon after the breakup. But, considering she’s a narcissist, I wonder how truly capable she is of loving her new partner/another person....

In her case, I feel moving on might be less about moving on, but perhaps it’s more about her needing someone to tend to her needs and stroke her ego...I wonder if thinking along those lines might give you a fresh perspective. Just a gentle idea...

Sorry, I hope that’s okay for me to say. It’s just that I’ve known narcissists, and in my experience, it’s always about “them”’and their wants and needs...

I think it’s very brave that you relocated and got a new job. I understand neither quite worked out, but there’s something to be said for trying. Trying to make changes is very courageous in my eyes...

After all, you don’t know if something is for you till you try...and if it doesn’t work out, I think there’s something to be said for allowing ourselves to grieve, but then to get back up and try again...

I love how you’re trying to work on yourself. I think that’s very beautiful and inspiring.

I wonder if maybe you’re seeing a counsellor or psychologist at the moment....It’s just that I feel they could potentially help you work on your sense of self/identity, and other struggles. I feel rebuilding a stronger core will help you face daily life, and a stronger sense of self will help any future relationships that you may enter...

I’m not sure if any of my thoughts were helpful or not, but I still wanted to reach out to talk to you. I hope that’s okay...

I’m thinking of you and if you ever feel like writing more, this is a safe space for you. No pressure or obligation to write though. It’s only if you want to, in which case, we’ll be here 🙂

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper