Tired.

[Bellybell]

I'm a single mom of 5 who left a violent relationship of 18 years a few months ago while pregnant with my youngest. It has been a rough ride for all of us. I have no family and friends due to the isolation my ex partner created for me. I suffer from anxiety and depression and still don't really feel good enough. I find it hard to form friendships as when I talk to people the cruel words he had said to me run through my mind and I just feel stupid and unworthy.

I know that it will be a long road to recovery and to feel normal again, but I do struggle with confidence issues a lot and worry how this will affect my children a lot. I also worry about the impact the relationship has had on my children.

Seeing a councilor for myself is hard because I have to take the children with me, so I just haven't bothered to go. Sometimes I feel quite lost, stressed and feel that my life has no purpose. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids and the thought that I'm not the only one and somewhere out there someone else is struggling more than me.

SSometimes I feel selfish for feeling depressed, that I just need to toughen up and get on with it.

[therising]

Hi Bellybell

You are one seriously brave warrior, to have found the courage to leave your husband and to be fighting against depression in order to regain the truth in regard to who you really are. By the way, depression appears selfish because it's an internal thing. Depression is full of illusions. Also, if all the world 'toughened up' there would be no gentle souls left. It's all about skill development, as opposed to toughening up. Embrace a gentle skillful life.

Is it possible to reconnect with at least one family member? Is there one who will welcome you with compassion (even if it's just a little bit)? With the abuse causing isolation, coming out of isolation and reconnecting may prove to be one of the greatest steps you take on your path to recovering your true self.

Regarding counseling, are there any local play groups that could take the kids for periods of time? I ask this because in my area we have a community centre where play group, community learning and activities and counselling all happen under one roof. Worth checking out your local community centre for some helpful advice. Primary schools can also offer forms of family support and resources to access.

As a survivor of trauma, it can be important to find significant people to relate to. As you're well aware, our identity can be fashioned to some degree by the people we relate to; your ex gradually had you relating to your self as weak and worthless (a lie of course). Supportive relationships are key to personal growth. Personally, I was part of a post natal depression group many years back. We came to relate to our selves as 'normal' and strong. There was actually a lot of laughter within our meetings, with a whole different sense of self.

Bellybell, there are 6 of you going through this transitional period, each with their own perspective to various degrees. You speak of being worried about the impact the relationship has had on your kids yet if you begin to focus on the impact you now have (free of the violence and fear), you have the power to shape perspective. Creating a home of freedom is the greatest gift you can offer your kids, a home where you invite them to talk freely about their fears and their challenges, a home where encouragement, inspiration and unconditional love reside. Your kids will relate to you as 'liberating and loving'.

Take care Bellybell and remember that our children can be our greatest teachers, offering many lessons containing both challenge and love.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bellybell

You have just written about my life except that I stayed until my children grew up. I think I was not as isolated as you and I went to work which meant talking to others. However, when I finally left I fell into the biggest depression pit and it took a long time to recover.

You are to be congratulated for leaving now with your children. Please get all the help you can. If you have been offered counselling ask if there is a place for your children to be cared for. Are all your children at home or do some of them go to school? If so you can arrange appointments for when you have fewer children to be cared for.

I do agree with Therising about making contact with your family. Has no one tried to reach you during the time you were still with your partner? I hope your family will respond to your call for reconciliation with the family and will give you some help and support. It's hard enough to bring up five children (I had four) with a loving dad, but with your experiences and now being on your own, it is a mountainous task. You are one brave lady.

I wont repeat what Therising has said. It's great information and suggestions. One suggestion I will give you is to register with a local GP, if you have not already done so, and book a long appointment (3/4 of an hour) with him/her. Perhaps you can find a woman GP which may be more comfortable for you. Ask for help. GP are a fantastic group and have lots of local knowledge about services.The doctor will be able to find a good counsellor and may know about childcare that you can access.

I am presuming you are renting your own home and have an income from CentreLink. These are the basics. I have nothing to add to Therising's comments at the moment. Please keep posting here and we will help you as much as we can and always support you.

Mary