I call it the churn.
Helplessness, inability to break the cycle, always finding the same rut again. Like it's inevitable.
I'm a male in my 40s, feeling like I've missed a stack of opportunities, and ruined relationships with plenty of good women. I'm well educated, never really made anything of myself though. Started and didn't finish every uni degree or certificate I attempted. Rest of my family are massively successful, loved me to bits, and I disappeared in my stubbornness and inability to grow the f up. I've missed the bus on starting a family. I haven't honoured my Dad who passed when I was young. I found success in music and threw it away with drug use and lack of commitment. I floated through life while I was given the golden ticket, now it's passed me by. I don't have the respect if my peers. I'm a decent person, that never achieved much.
And now I'm writing this here. Feeling like I'm still acting without purpose. Embarrassed. A failure. Wondering who would bother reaching out to someone that had it all, and fucked it up. I don't even have the balls to be suicidal.
To anyone reading this going through your own version of hell, I hope this place helps you find some peace.
