Brief history : An experience with childhood abuse, drugs, alcohol, homelessness, DV relationships, a couple car accidents, sex work, Now. im 44, still in that industry and, still take drugs (in maintenance phase for the last 20 years, dont binge or go without) and at 35 my suicidal ideation finally settled.
my current issue is the end of my 7.5 year relationship.
im not coping. i cry, all day. its been 8 months. i miss him so much. it was good. he was good. and bad. we were good, and it was the best thing ive ever had. i worked my ass off, literally, to live in one state with him and fly to spend a week each month with my kids living 2000kms away. for 7 years.
while i was with him my 2nd ex husband died unexpectedly, which i didnt find out for 8 months after, and im still processing that. he was a good guy and i still hold a lot of love for him. i think im grieving this loss extra because of the finality.
its like a death. ive never had any trouble moving on from a relationship, ever. ive never cried this much over someone who is alive. i honestly cant imagine my life without him in it snd i dont want to either. im done with picking myself up and starting again. i wake up already crying and i pass out exhausted from crying. the only time i dont cry is around other people. its exhausting being around other people, holding it all in.
how can he not love me anymore? i know i gave him a LOT of things he'll never find in someone else. He gave me ALL the things i value in a partner, with a few dodgy traits thrown in. ill never find someone with even 2 of the traits he had in abundance. hes my best friend, and i was his only friend. i just dont even want to heal from this. im done. 8 of the best years of my life, the only good ones really. thats where im at.
