The roller coaster of separation

[Raneee]

Hi guys, I am introducing myself and I am looking forward to learning from those that have been/going through separation and ultimately a divorce. I just turned 44 a few days ago and have been with my husband for 22 years. We have two adult children and a 13 year old between us. We are still living under the same roof and as much as I would like to hang on to hopes and dreams- I cannot. Physical abuse was only intermittent and stopped years ago however the verbal, emotional, financial abuse ramped up. I am linked in with a number of Support services to help me through. I have joined this forum to learn and hear how to get through such an awful time. I am really hoping to hear the positive experiences from you all about how you went from “devestated to healed and moving forward”. Despite the F/V I still love my husband (I feel I do but I just wonder if it is because I have spent 22 years with him and have no idea what a “normal” relationship should be. Many thanks for hearing me out and looking forward to a better future.

[white knight]

Hi Raneee, welcome

Well it is pleasing at least that you are asking for ways forward. Usually we get members asking how to cope approaching separation.

There are several key elements to the grief associated with separation. You've been with your husband half you life, you know no other way of living so it is understandable that you are feeling you still love him- but, you need those other ingredients also and that includes a safe calm and happy environment.

I've had 4 long term relationships. All over 7 years but my first wife was 11 years and I was emotionally abused by her for that period, we had two children. When I finally left following a suicide attempt I pulled myself together. But the first 6 weeks was the main grief period which included grieving for my lost full time fatherhood.

Then it all changed- I saw a block of land. I pictured my new home that I would build from a kit. I made a financial arrangement with my still wife then began the plan. I worked hard- 3 jobs plus building the house. I then realized- I was distracted so much that I no longer had my wife and the abuse in my mind- I was free.

Oddly enough two guys following me had the same abusive issues from her. I eventually married again to my best friend and she is my soulmate. We married in 2011.

So distraction is the one key thing you can do that will help. Plans, don't be afraid of making a list of dreams you would like to carry out. Nor should you dress the way you want, socialize the way you want and feel free in your own company.

A normal relationship is hard to define. But I'd suggest it includes being yourself, being considerate, equal work ethic but can be separate chores, respect, communication and laughing- compatibility. I would also include that being in love doesn't have to die out. I worship the ground my wife walks on. Love her to bits.

Along with the above I'd include some education with positive motivation ideas. This can be sort by attending motivation lectures, joining groups that are proactive like Lions and Rotary and surrounding yourself with active people.

If it means you have to start out in a caravan park for a short time then so be it. I did after buying a 11 foot van for $1000. If your daughter lives with you you'll need a larger van though or you might be ok financially to rent a unit. I'm suggesting to move soon, not let it drag on.

By the way, just for activity- go on dates if asked. That will improve your confidence.

TonyWK