I feel like life is kinda passing me by and I'm not sure who to turn to...

[grilledcheese]

Hey everyone... I've tossed up for a while whether to join a forum like this but figured I'd give it a shot, trouble is I couldn't decide which category to start with! I've had mild depression/anxiety since I was 15 (now 20) but I have also had some mild eating disorder issues and body image issues (since I was 10). I am also developing other mental health problems similar to rapid cycling cyclothymia but its intermittent and my doc is helping me work it out. Annywaaayy....

TLDR: Thats background but I think that just makes things trickier, its not the actual problem. Basically I feel like life is kinda passing me by... I know I'm only 20 but I don't feel like I'm having fun and enjoying myself, I'm just doing the day to day thing. I have never been in a relationship or even been hit on/had attention from guys so I feel I am missing out in that way too... And its not like I just like the idea of it, I just really want to experience the fun and have that connection with someone.

I am confident in who I am as a person and although I struggle with body image, I know I am worth knowing (something I have had to work hard to achieve but I finally think I accept myself at least internally if not physically).

My trouble is that I've reached a point where I'm not sure who to turn to... I am very self aware and its very easy for me to be mindful of how I am feeling (yes that sometimes causes a lot of overthinking) so basic tips tend to be things I've tried which kinda sucks. I get frustrated when I try things and I don't get anything out of it. I recently tried a psychologist but I felt she simplified things and I am yet to find another I want to try. I have a great relationship with my mum but I feel she simplifies the issue too and although well intentioned, she tries to say she experienced similar things when she was younger when I know for a fact that she isn't understanding the depth of the issues or quite the way I'm feeling.

I don't have solid friends that I trust to speak to, there are lovely people I like to hang out with but not people I really truly connect to on a deeper level. I am attending my 3rd year of uni and I try to participate in things but I feel like I've tried everything on those lists of 'things to do to make more friends' without success and I guess I'm frustrated and disappointed. Do I just stop putting in so much effort to try to have fun and experience things? I want to get more out of my life 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi grilledcheese,

Welcome to beyond blue. Love your name by the way. Firstly, you are not alone. Whether you have cyclothymia, depression, anxiety or whatever, the end result is similar. Yeah, I know that anxiety is different to depression (and I have both) but we are in deep emotional pain, and looking for ways to remove (?) the pain and thoughts. And it takes courage to write your story here for others to read.

Have you thought about talking to counsellors at the Uni you are attending? They might even know of someone (a psych) you could talk to needed.

On your friends... Is there anything that is stopping you from connecting on a deeper level? (It was only when I went really south (emotionally) and talked to others about myself, that enabled them to open up to me as well. Are we all afraid to be vulnerable?)

Would you be able to tell me how your psychologist simplified things? I have been seeing a psych for a while now, and in all my sessions I will do MOST of the talking, and I may get a exercise, or tip, which is something that I will have to practice at home. I guess in talking with her, and her questions, I work out the answers myself.

You also said...

I get frustrated when I try things and I don't get anything out of it.

Is this perfectionism? Or is this just as lack of pleasure or enjoyment. For me, it can be both. And both are things that I am addressing with my psych. Probably the difference between you and me is the age difference. I am double your age plus a bit. And changing the way our minds work can take time.

Finally, I also want you to know that you will be supported by other users in this space while you are here. Feel free to write what you need - writing down your thoughts can be healing in a way also. But please don't give up hope in finding help.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[grilledcheese]

Haha thanks! I haven't actually spoken to the counsellors although I have considered it. My mum has some connections as she works in conjunction with some great psychologists but I'm starting to wonder if I need to go outside my mum's 'sphere'.

I definitely find it hard to connect with just anybody, I tend to give too much to earn people's friendships and either end up ruining it (because I do stupid things in trying to be enjoyable to be around and slowly it ends to us drifting apart, or because once you've given a lot it tends to be a bit easier to get hurt). If I think someone is a good person I'll definitely let them in and I don't have trouble with that but I am a little bit cautious about who I let in since it has gone badly before.

In terms of the psychologist, I know it has to be a process and I get that it will be frustrating to start off because you kinda have to open a bunch of boxes but you can't address them all at once. At the same time I find it a little hard being told that your issues about finding your identity and exploring new things are normal and a part of being a young adult - I know this may be comforting to some but I guess I don't really care if things are normal or not, I just care about getting through them haha. Maybe it's just that I have already spent a lot of time googling things and trying to try new things already so when she says its about exploring who I am etc. I feel like I've already identified that and tried to start the process. I could just be overcomplicating things but I think I might speak to the uni counsellor as per your suggestion just to see where it goes.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head with it being a bit of both! I definitely struggle with not being able to achieve things I set out to do (perfectionist for sure) but also that I feel like I'm not truly having fun or enjoying things. I potter around the house or garden but this is 'chill time' and not actively enjoying myself. Especially at a time that theoretically is presenting a lot of opportunities to do so. Sometimes I feel like I skipped my teen years, in fact since I was about 12, my family and I have joked that I went straight from 10 to 30 so maybe we aren't that different in age haha!!

Thank you for your insight, sometimes just hearing it from a different perspective can be really comforting! I'll be hanging out on the forums for sure 🙂

[David Nobody]

Hi Grilled,

I find your words to be very mature.

If someone doesn’t “hit on” you because they judge you just on your looks, they probably wouldn’t be a keeper anyway. I have never “hit on” anyone in my whole life. So they may be admiring you, but are unable to express themselves, for whatever reason.

Don’t be in a hurry to “grow up”... and in the immortal words of Ferris “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

David.

[grilledcheese]

You're totally right David, it's so easy to get wrapped up in things that I forget that those people aren't even the people I really want to know - although sometimes the validation would be nice I guess.

I think perhaps I feel like I grew up too fast and missed some things, now I'm just trying to backtrack a little and I don't really know how. But I'll try regardless! I've been in a remarkably good place mentally as of late (perhaps due to a medication I have changed) and that certainly helps - my good mood is part of the reason I even posted to begin with. So I'm hoping to take a few steps to make sure that even if this doesn't last (which to be honest, it probably won't knowing me haha), I'll still have made progress and maybe even have some better strategies for when I have the next low.

[smallwolf]

Hey grilledcheese,

Thanks for coming back.

I can be impatient. I ticked all the boxes when it came to cognitive disorders. I want(ed) to find the cause of my issues and get out again in the quickest possible time. The reality is that it does not happen that way. I said to my psych in the last session that maybe by travelling down one of those dead ends that I will also find a piece of the puzzle needed for healing.

As for who you see, or talk to, only you know the answer to that. Whether you choose one of your mum's contacts or go it alone (so to speak), feel safe in the knowledge that whatever you say to them are in confidence, and whatever you say in that space, stays there. (There are occasions where confidentiality is broke, but they would cover all this stuff first.)

I have slowly let other people into my life with depression and the help I get in return is amazing. Unfortunately, that will only 5-10 min in a day, but it can turn a day from feeling like crap into something OK. I am not telling you to tell everyone your inner most thoughts. But if there is someone you know where you can be vulnerable, that person might also not drift away when you do "stupid things" (as you put it). Because, whatever it is, it is not being stupid, but rather how the other interprets your action, and how you think they might think. Give yourself to chance to be honest and free. There were people who reacts negatively, but now those people are not worth the time of day.

Probably rambled enough here, and hope you got something from it, but this journey will take time. And while you pay for the services of a psych, it is also a place where I have the opportunity to say what really feel to someone, without being worried about begin judged.

Peace,

Tim

[grilledcheese]

Thank you Tim 🙂 I had a break from the website purely because uni started to get intense and I forgot about it but it's really nice to come back 2 weeks later and have some kind words to turn to.

[smallwolf]

No problem. What are you studying?

And if you do want to chat..... well, you know where to find me.

Tim