The curse i carry

[Nicebuthated]

Gday all

This is a first for me to reach out but not expecting a reply to be honest. A quick intro i am a kind soul person who try's to help when i can and doing so i have lived a life of getting put down, hated, bulling and on a lot of occasions death threats against me. I had what i thought where mates but learnt after they got everything they needed and wanted out of me i was tossed aside, I have endured this for over 30 years just taking it and smiling it off while burning on the inside. I have asked 100's of women out just to be shot down instantly cause I'm not 6ft and built like a body builder, so i just gave up asking. Even with my work being a meter reader i put up daily with people in my face trying to push my buttons but i don't have a aggressive bone in my body so it just angers them more when i don't react or mouth back. When i was in a dark place years ago know one cared or would help tried to tell people and got ignored, family included it took all my strength to pull a knife away from my throat but i pulled through just to endure the cycle of the hate against me all over again. This is my curse and its starting to really put a lot of weight on me now all i want is someone to understand is all.

If you got this far thanks for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Nicebuthated, 

Thank you for coming to the forums and welcome to this open, understanding and caring community. It sounds like you are having an incredbily difficult time at the moment and we are really sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. We want to say how brave we think it is that you have been able to share your story with us today - it is an incredible step towards feeling better. Thank you for your courage. 

We think it could be useful for you to chat to one of the wonderful people on our phoneline by calling 1300 22 4636. They are great at giving practical advice on how we can feel better in ourselves and where else we might be able to get support. If you prefer you can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 - our friends at Lifeline are wonderful and caring too!

We think it could be helpful for you to have a look around our forums to find the many other conversations being had that might resonate with you. We understand how you are feeling and while your experience is your own we think you might find some that are similiar here on the site. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome.

It sounds you have a lot going on your plate at the moment. A job where people will shout at you or worse, little support from family etc., social issues. All of these things build up and you feel worse about yourself.

And the comments you must constantly get make you feel worse about yourself. I would see myself (or my soul?) being surrounded by a shield. The shield gets hit. And the body repairs the shield. But it is not quite as strong as it once was. Over time and with repeated hits, the shield gets weaker until one time, when abused, it goes through and mentally really hurts you. Many of the people here have a lived experience and can understand where you are coming from. We will travel with you on this journey and reply with support and compassion.

I want to know that I think your thoughts are real, that you have these thoughts. But they are also just thoughts and there are ways to manage and deal the stuff you mentioned in your post.

Can I ask whether you have considered any professional help? Perhaps chatting with your GP about mental health?

If you want to talk more about what is going on for you, please write back. The people here are very supportive and non-judgemental.