Stuck in unhappiness

[Sad_and_alone]

Hi to all, I am new to this and feel silly for being here. I feel like I have no reason to be so miserable but I just can't drag myself out of my dispair.

I feel stuck and alone and unhappy and don't know how to change anything for the better. All I want in life is love and happiness but I can never find them.

Ihave anxiety but I don't know if that is really my problem. It doesn't matter what I try I am never happy. I feel like no one will ever love me and I am so tired of having my heart broken over and over again.

I over think every detail of every conversation that I have with someone and even if they say something nice to me I either think they are lying or pick it apart until I am just focusing on what they didn't say.

Basically at the moment I work a job I hate that doesn't pay nearly enough so I am always struggling, I have no friends because I feel uncomfortable spending time with people, I am seeing a man that I am convinced is going to dump me any day now even tho he has no idea about the craziness that goes on in my mind. And I know I should just be happy and grateful that I am healthy and I have a job and a roof over my head but I'm not. I'm miserable unless I am with my man and as soon as I am not with him I pick apart every second we spent together because I worry I wasn't fun enough or good enough in bed or maybe I was too annoying. I guess I just don't ever feel like I am good enough. I always promise myself that next time I see him I will be better but then no matter what I do, when we are apart again I feel the same doubts and fears. I think the only way I would be less stressed about our relationship is if he told me every day that he likes me. Obviously he doesn't tell me that and I don't want to ask him if he likes me.

I don't know if anyone can help me here, there are people with real problems that need help but I just don't know where to turn and what to do.

How do people get happy? How can I find happiness? Where is it and how do I get there?

Thank you to anyone who may have taken the time to read this.

[Quercus]

Hi S&A and welcome to the forums,

There are a lot of people here who are just like you... Feeling that they should be content but not being able to feel happiness or contentment.

It is a hard thing to voice to a medical professional or even to others because it doesn't seem like a huge problem when you read other posts... But it IS a valid problem. I'm really glad you took a chance and reached out for help.

Have you looked at the K10 checklist?

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

It is a good place to begin. If the score indicates there might be an issue print it off and take it to your GP (a long appointment is a good plan).

Sometimes people need validation that yes something is not right before they feel like they have the right to see a doctor. I know I felt this way.

I'm not a doctor obviously 😊 but these feelings are all too familiar. Please be blunt about how you feel ok. Medical professionals will struggle to help if you make light of how you feel.

Anxiety and depression need to be managed especially when there are external issues such as financial problems or stress at work as these tend to make a mental illness worse.

I hope you feel able to keep writing. There are many threads here relating to managing anxiety please feel free to join in any conversations that interest you.

Nat

[Lici]

Hi S&A,

Welcome to the forums. I'm new here myself and it's a really great place so I hope you stick around!

Let me start by saying that there doesn't need to be a "reason" to feel the way you do. Your brain is an organ like any other and it can get sick sometimes.

I used to have similar feelings of being unlikable and unlovable etc. It wasn't until I started Cognitive behavior therapy that I really started to realise that it was my perception of myself and not the way others saw me. I think it's really important to realise that and while it sounds cliche, once you start loving and accepting yourself, it becomes less important to fill that need through other people.

I tend to overthink things myself. Be that conversations, relationships, my reactions to things etc. I know it can feel impossible at times, but try to remember that they're only your perceptions of situations. None of us are mind readers so we can never know what someone else is thinking.

As far as happiness goes, I'm always asking myself 'what exactly is happiness?' It's such a subjective term. What someone finds makes them happy I may not. There's such a huge deal about being happy etc all around us, in movies, tv shows, advertising etc. But what is it? What are we supposed to strive for exactly? It's such a construct that I've struggled with. I find that the way I got past this struggle somewhat is to stop having such high expectations for myself in terms of happiness. If I'm doing ok then that's awesome, if I'm not that's ok too!

I think Quercus' suggestion about the k10 checklist and seeing a GP is really strong advice. Depression and anxiety doesn't necessarily need a cause and you do have real problems for you and deserve help as much as the next person. Your feelings are valid and they matter.

I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly hope that you stick around and that you find the help you need.

Kind regards,

Lici

[Sad_and_alone]

Thank you for your words of kindness and care Nat. It is nice to know that someone is out there.

[Sad_and_alone]

Thank you Lici, you do raise some very good points. I just hope I can start to feel better soon and I will stay around to read other peoples thoughts and advice.

[Lici]

I hope you feel better soon too! Just remember that sometimes there's no 'quick fix' and sometimes it takes time and a lot of effort to feel well again but the journey is just as important as the end result.

I've been reading through a few threads in the different sections of the forums, maybe you'll find it helpful to read some of the depression and anxiety threads? Sometimes reading other people's experiences can be helpful as it can help us recognise symptoms in ourselves 🙂

I hope to see you around the forums 🙂 feel free to say hi if you do!

Kind regards,

Lici

[Sad_and_alone]

I know this is going to be a long and sometimes difficult road for me but I also realise I can't do it alone.

I have volunteered as a blue voices member, maybe by sharing what I am going through I can help others and maybe that will in turn help me.

I think at the heart of my issues I am yearning to feel useful and like I matter to someone, by being part of a group that is making a difference to others going through similar things to myself is a step in the right direction.

[Lici]

Hi S&A,

I'm so glad to hear about you becoming a blue voices member!

I think everyone wants and likes to feel useful and definitely wants to feel like they matter to someone. Humans are social animals so feeling like we're needed and matter is part of our DNA!

I'm sure your experiences, no I know your experiences will help people on here, everyone with mental health issues is on a different part of the journey and your story may be the inspiration someone needs to start on their own journey of getting well.

I look forward to reading your posts! I'll keep an eye out for a thread if you start one in another forum, or feel free to comment in here with the name of it so I can comment and keep it in the 'my threads ' tab!

I hope you have a good day!

Kind regards,

Lici

[Sad_and_alone]

Thank you Lici

This is a hard thing to live with and I wish I didn't have these issues but as I do, and they aren't going to change, the best thing I can do is try to help others.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sad & Alone

Welcome to the forum. It's great you have joined us and want to talk. We are always here to listen and offer a friendly word or suggestions to help you on your journey.

It is amazing how helping others can lift our own spirits. I think just about everyone who has posted to another person has found that to be true. Browse the forum and in particular the Depression and Anxiety forums. While we each have our own stories there are lots of common elements. Sharing thoughts on what works and what does not work to make you feel better is helpful as we do not have all the ideas ourselves.

I can understand you are lonely as I also live alone. It is hard when you see couples hold each other and you want someone to hold you in the same way. As Lici said, we are social animals and we do not do well on our own until we have learned how to manage. So this is what needs to change.

Starting by talking to others is great. You give and receive building a store of knowledge to help you along. You said, I think at the heart of my issues I am yearning to feel useful and like I matter to someone That's a great start. I see Lici has talked about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and how it has helped her. She found it was all about her perceptions of herself and that is a huge hurdle to get over.

How we see ourselves and how others see us are often two different matters. It doesn't take much to send us off into gloomy thoughts and despair of ever being 'good enough' to be loved. Sadly we all go through these thoughts. Have you ever written a list of all your good points? Why not try? Start with wanting to help others. No bad points, it's not a test to claim we have more bad points than good. Simply list all your good points.

Have a good look and see if you can add others. For example you like helping people, can you expand that to visiting one or two people in your local aged care home? Do you like animals and can you volunteer in you local animal pound? These are activities you can do at the weekend as I presume you are at work in the week. Have a look around and see what is on offer. Your local library often has information about where you can volunteer.

Would you like to have a dog? They are wonderful companions. Think it over. I suggest you concentrate on one of your threads in order to keep all the responses together. Much easier for you to read and also for people who are replying who may well miss information on another thread.

Mary