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[July79]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to introduce myself - my name is Julia and I'm 29. I've joined the forums because my long term partner has severe depression and anxiety (and will not get professional help) and I have myself fallen into a depression or crisis over the past year as well (and am putting off getting help because I know my partner is uncomfortable with it - he is convinced they will tell me to leave him). I love him but I am starting to hit mental walls with our relationship and am not sure how to navigate my life and future anymore.

I don't have anyone in real life to talk to about this. My own parents are abroad and I don't want to worry them - his parents are wonderful but of course their first priority is their son's happiness, I get that. I have one close friend and I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want to pit her against him if I end up staying with him in the future. I had one friend at work I used to talk to about this and he moved abroad last year so I feel really alone in my thoughts.

I used to be so content and life and the future used to be such a clear, exciting thing to me. Now I feel like my mind is split in half... one half wants to stay with the love of my life and find back the contentness I used to feel with him - the other half wants to run and not look back and be an adventurer again on my own. These two halves are equally strong and after over a year of letting them 'have at it' in my head I have gotten no further whatsoever. I'm hoping here through talking to others - about their situations and mine - I can learn more about what's really going on with me.

Thank you for being here. This is truly the only place I feel I can safely go.

Julia

[Summer Rose]

Hi Julia

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that your boyfriend is unwell and that you are struggling as a consequence.

I have cared for a loved one with a mental health condition for several years. I understand and empathise with the challenges you face.

I don’t know if it’s right for you to stay or go, but I do know for certain that you must look after yourself right now. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help him.

I want to encourage you to make a double appointment with your GP, so you have plenty of time to discuss how you are feeling. Your GP will advise you of recommended next steps, which may include preparation of a mental health care plan and a referral to an appropriate mental health practitioner.

Getting help for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you have to leave the relationship. But it will hopefully put you in a better position to make your decision.

Perhaps don’t think too far ahead right now, just one step at a time. Looking after your health would be a great first step.

Kind thoughts to you

[July79]

Thank you for your reply Summer Rose.

In 2019 I almost left him (things were quite bad - I worked 12 hours, would get home and he would just ask me what I was making for dinner, basically, after doing nothing all day; I felt like a parent not a partner) - at that point I went to the GP to get help (and he knew it) but not long after I was hospitalized for something else and by the time I got out, lockdown started down here in VIC. I ended up not getting help. Now I'm too scared to bring it up with him. Afraid it will upset him. I was raised in a home where dead silence was preferred over argument. I don't know how to cope with friction in the home. I don't trust myself to.

I did go back to the GP 2 weeks ago without my partner knowing. Unfortunately I haven't been able to find a GP I feel truly comfortable with, but she did refer me for counselling. Now I'm too scared to call for a follow-up appointment.

It's so bizarre to say out loud that I'm "scared". It's not like he frightens me, or threatens me (though he has on occasion through our 8 years said that me needing him has kept him hurting himself... which haunts me) - he's just so fragile and I'm so scared to tip him over any edges.

This is part of the problem. He's hit so many such deep rock bottoms that at the end of these 8 years, I can't even honestly tell myself anymore whether I WANT to be here, or whether I'm still here because he needs me. The latter is inevitably true. If he was okay on his own - if he was fine if I left... would I be gone already?

[Guest_4643]

Hey July79, welcome to the forums, or welcome back, either one haha.

I don't know anything about relationships unfortunately because I've never had one, but I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and feel you have no one to talk to. We're all here for you, myself included, you're in a safe, caring, non judgemental place.

I'm sorry I can't help much, but i'll try my best, I do care and I'm here for you.

[Angel_Joy]

Umm, hello. I am new here. I don't really know what to do.

[geoff]

Hello Julia, a warm welcome.

You can't run your life around what he wants, and what would happen if he just got up and left, then everything you've been trying to do hasn't worked, simply because he can go anytime he wants to, that's why you need to look after yourself, you come first, and working 12 hours a day shouldn't allow you to have to cook dinner for him and whether or not it's what he wants to eat.

If your doctor has given a referral for counselling, ask this doctor or another one about the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions, your partner doesn't need to know, if he doesn't agree, it's not his decision to make, you can't live your life around everything he believes in, especially if you disagree, that's not how you will achieve any help.

I can't say what you should be doing but can suggest if you feel you're hemmed in, in this relationship and he won't seek any help, then is this causing you extra stress, and from what you've told us it seems that way.

You are number one, you are not responsible for his own actions, you won't begin to improve until you make a decision.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Julia

I’m really pleased to learn that you have talked to your GP and obtained a referral to counselling. Well done.

Now I very much want to encourage you to take the next step and call for an appointment. This is because the situation you are in now is unhealthy and unsustainable.

Nobody can live happily with a major battle raging in their in head that doesn’t get resolved. You can’t live your life waking up every day wondering if you should be somewhere else. My concern is that if you don’t deal with the issue you will become even more unwell with depression.

I understand your fear of not wanting to “tip him over any edges”, as I have felt that way many times when caring for my daughter. I understand that you don’t want to cause him any harm.

I sought professional MH help for myself when I was caring for my daughter and dealing with these types of issues.

I learned first and foremost that I had to look after myself and protect and nurture my own mental health despite my caring obligations or I risked falling apart. Have you considered what will happen if you become seriously unwell? Who will look after you?

I also learned new strategies to help my daughter recover from her illness and had support to put them to work. Ask yourself, is what your currently doing actually helping your partner? Or is the relationship perhaps enabling him to avoid dealing with his MH issues? He’s hit rock bottom so many times but not sought help, why?

There’s no pressure to answer here but I encourage you to so some critical thinking.

Kind thoughts to you

[quirkywords]

hello julia and everyone

I am glad you are getting helpful suggestions and support.

Hello Angel joy

welcome to the forum.

well done for taking the first step and posting.
it can seem daunting at first .

you may just like to read some other threads, and think about what you want to do. It is up to. You may want to talk a bit about yourself when you are ready .

You may like to start your own thread.

If you want to start a new thread

go to all posts
the go to the forum you think is applicable to your post
press the new thread red button on top right hand of page.

feel free to ask any questions .

[July79]

Thank you all so much for your advice.

I will pursue counselling thanks to all your encouragement. I'm going to talk to my employer about taking strategic leave to accommodate for it (i.e. work half days so I can go to counseling without my partner knowing). I know it's better to be honest with him, but I think if I put up that threshold for myself ("if I get help, I have to have that difficult conversation with him first") I may put it off forever.

I've been trying to have small conversations with him (rather than putting everything off along with that big talk of "stay or go" where it will probably eventually escalate to) and I'm just really discouraged by his answers so far. He seems to be really "happy" with our life as it is - and 'feels judged' when I suggest he leaves the house a little more or gets his own life going a little bit. It appears that I see this as a conflict of my expectations versus his illness (his depression has some very legitimate causes, lots of trauma) but he has started fully identifying with his depression and is seeing it as "just who he is" now. Which worries me in terms of our prospects... and worries me in terms of how ugly it would get if I were to leave (it's more difficult to tell someone who they are isn't enough, in my opinion, as opposed to telling them their circumstances are too difficult).

A huge guilt factor for me is well is that I have been extremely attracted to other men for the past year. I have never acted on it, but it loads a huge amount of guilt on top of my other sense of failing (letting things go on this long without telling him I had a problem) and is incredibly frustrating. I know these other men are just symptoms and most likely I wouldn't be happier with any of them, because my unhappiness stems from my own inability to communicate boundaries because of how I was raised. It is hard to learn that without an example and in my first ever relationship after not hitting the brake at all for nearly a decade first.

Thank you all for letting me vent. Even just this is helping a lot.