Separated from narcassistic partner

[Julie_jules]

Hello my name is Jules. I am 9 months separated from a toxic relationship from a narcassistic partner and have just begun dating again which is bringing up a lot of emotions and feeling a little overwhelmed. Thought I had dealt with my feelings from previous relationship but now I’m not sure I have then. Not sure what to do. Maybe I just need to find a way to deal with my thoughts. Talk to someone maybe. Or maybe just see how things go in the new relationship and not get ahead of myself. At 51 would have thought I’d have had my life sorted out by now.

[Birdy77]

Dear Jules,

Congratulations on leaving your relationship and beginning the journey of reclaiming yourself and your life ❤

9 months is still very fresh out of the toxicity, so give yourself time to adjust, especially as you jave started dating again, and that will stir up a lot of stuff.

When i started a relationship after a narcissistic situation, i reckin it took me a good 18 months to lose a lot of the shackles i was bound in, and that was after being single for a year prior to dating. So give yourself plenty of space and time and gentleness. I needed to talk to someone as well, it saved my life.

Do you have some supports around you? I found some online support really helpful, resources i found on narc relationship recovery online were awesome too.

Don't worry, 51 is the new 31, so you're doing great.

You are so welcome to share any of your thoughts, worries and concerns here, you are safe.

I hope you stick around, you are amongst friends.

🌻birdy

[Mel2334]

Hey ladies I know what it is like being in two toxic relationships you are doing well yes getting support and going to a support group is great and knowing your not alone

[paddyanne]

Hi Julie, congrats for finding the strength to leave the relationship. I left my ex just over a year ago, he too was narcissistic, however his was subtle, never direct. He would put me down to his family but he would make a joke of it. Took me a long time to 'wake up'. When I first left, he was extremely supportive, even helped me move. He would come to help me, but joke that I couldn't stand on my own. My first independent strike (if you like) was to move my microwave from where he had placed it. That move took me 7 months, I was worried that he would visit and comment. We are now better friends because I no longer let him control me. I developed a subtle way of ignoring his remarks. Instead of allowing him to belittle me I started thanking him for each suggestion (thanking, but not following). He has no idea that I have grown from a scared mouse to a determined woman who has a mind. We are not divorced, probably never will, however he now accepts I have a right to be who I am instead of being his wife. I'm not looking for a relationship as I am scared to commit. I take my hat off to you for having the courage to try again. We all wear hats (masks) when we're in public. Maybe keep this new relationship casual, see how things work. He's possibly as concerned as you, you're new to him too. Take each day as it comes. If you're not sure, don't commit to something that might not right for you or him.

[Emma_Smith_8]

Hello Jules,

I’m sorry to hear and I hope you find the help you need. On another note, I hope you don’t mind me deviating and asking you this:

I’m only 34 but am afraid that I myself am a narcissist. I’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids. Would you mind telling me what kind of things your partner did to make you think he was narcissistic?

Thank you

[Julie_jules]

Hello Birdy77,

I have only just logged back in after quite some time of seeking advice back then. I had forgotten i had reached out during this craziness in my life & have now just read this & wanted to say how appreciative of what you wrote. Means a lot & I took time for myself to reflect & heal. Sometimes i have triggers even now. But have since moved on & have a loving & supportive new partner. Just wanted to thank you once again, means alot.

[Julie_jules]

Hello Paddyanne,

Thank you for your response. Means alot even after reading from so long ago when i was in a really dark place. Have just logged in for another reason & found some responses to my comment which i had forgotten i had reached out back then. Thank you and sounds like you had a difficult time of it too. You are very strong like myself to take back the control of your life & feelings & emotions. Good for you that is strength in itself. Moving forward. Hope you are too.

[Julie_jules]

Hello Emma Smith 8,

Sorry to here of your situation and sincerely hope it has improved. I have only just checked in again to this forum after self reflecting & time away to heal. I hope you have healed for yourself and your children. Just read this and to answer your question i read alot of things towards the end of the relationship, that rang alarm bells for me. What i was reading was who i was living with.

Some of the things were;

jokingly ridiculing,

switching moods quickly, Nice one minute & flies off the handle the next

making me feel bad for mentioning things when i had a certain expectation of home rules & he didn't agree (so making me feel like i was making a mountain out of a mole hill)

He or things he did were of more importance

Sense of entitlement (money)

Exploiting of others without any guilt

Bullying, intimidation, belittling

Selfish & patronizing