Self diagnosed

[Jc70]

Hi there.. not sure how to do this but here goes

I am a 46 year old with a lifetime of issues.

I fell pregnant at 16 and had two babies by 19. Both are adults with children of their own so i think i did ok there. Lived with their father for 24 years in an emotional and physical abusive relationship however i stuck it out for reasons i cant explain.. 7 years ago i decided enough was enough and left. I then met a wonderful guy who is my rock - however after 6 years i find myself arguing with him more and more - acusations i dealt with in my previous relationship. I feel that he will leave me so im pushing him first so it looks like its my decision so i dont get hurt again.. i know he loves me but i just cant stop myself - im homesick for my kids and dont have any friends here as we have recently moved town and i find it hard to make friends (social anxieties) and i also think i have hit perimenopause so everything is compounding.

Thanks for reading.. jc

[CGiblet]

hi Jc70,

i just wanted to say that i know you must feel frustrated, afraid or running out of hope, it must be so difficult, I'm so sorry. I can sympathize with trying to push the one you love away for fear of being hurt again. I try to talk to my partner about it and apologize every now and again, i dunno if it helps him but it helps me. Just know that you shouldn't blame yourself for the things a past partner has done to you, so by extension you shouldn't punish yourself either.

One positive aspect to this is that he's still there right now, he still loves you, so he obviously wants to work on this with you, maybe you aren't as alone as you think.

Anyway, i hope you have a nice rest of the day

C

[Lazykh]

Hi Jc,

Welcome to the beyondblue community and thanks so much for trusting us to share your story.

Firstly, well done for taking the courage to leave that abusive relationship, especially after so long. I know personally how hard it is to take that step. Also well done for having the courage to be in another relationship. Domestic abuse is a horrible experience and leaves us with all kinds of long term emotional scars and it's quite normal for anyone who has experienced it to feel things from that relationship coming up in a subsequent one. I now do counselling, and have worked with quite a few people who have experienced domestic abuse so I don't just speak from my own experience but that of many others too.

Have you told your current partner what you went through in your last relationship? It might help him to understand that sometimes you feel and think things that you don't want to. If you're feeling out of control, it might help you to talk to someone about it. 1800 RESPECT (that's that number) is a phone helpline specifically about domestic abuse, and even though you aren't in the abusive situation anymore, what you are experiencing is all part of the long term effects, so I would recommend talking with someone there. It is a 24/7 service so they are available any time you need or want to talk to someone. I also highly recommend the beyondblue service, which is not specific to domestic abuse but still very knowledgeable on the issue and supportive (1300 22 46 36). If you want a more personalised approach, you can also get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP who can refer you to a psychologist and you will receive 10 sessions free or at least very subsidised. You don't have to be mentally ill to see a psychologist, if you are concerned about your mental health and how you are coping, it might really help you and put your mind at ease.

It sounds very stressful being separated from your kids, and I'm sure you miss them terribly. Is there some way you can communicate with them more often, perhaps by Skype? As it's face to face it's almost like actually visiting with them, moreso than talking on the phone.

Please keep in touch and let us know if you have any questions or just want to blow off steam.

All the best,

Lazykh

PS. We all have lifetimes of issues, the only thing that varies is how long that lifetime has been. 🙂

[Jc70]

Thank you for the advice.. i will make a drs appointment tomorrow and talk to them.. i have never spoken to anyone about this before as i somehow felt that i caused it to happen - i know now that it was him and not me - but its still hard to change my thinking.. my partner does know some but not all of my issues as i dont want to burden him with my problems. - i think being just able to talk to someone else without being judged might help so thank you for the contacts. I will keep these in mind. Jc

[Jc70]

Thank you - it nice to know im not doing this alone. It feels like im always the one that has to apologize for my behaviour and acusations. As much as i know my partner is nothing like my ex, i seem to be waiting for him to change. - i just dont know how to stop the voices in my head from sabotaging this relationship. Im hoping counciling will help.. thanks again for the advice. Jc

[Lazykh]

Hi Jc,

That sounds like a good plan of action. Domestic abuse has really pervasive effects because it involves the abused being broken down psychologically over a long time. Because this is a slow, unconscious (to you) process, talk therapy is the best way to sort out the issues and reprogram the connections in your brain that have been covertly conditioned by the abuser. It's a slow process, but a journey well worth taking. Evidence shows that people who have been abused usually come away afterwards having developed more empathy, self control and capacity for introspection than they had before.

Let us know how you go.

Lazykh